advice/tips on how to manage a new (nearly 3 y o) big brother please.

[FlossALump]

I'm finding it all hard going with DS atm and my instinct is that he is finding his new role hard too. He is being very attention seeking - although this behaviour often thwarts the time i have to give him as it is spent trying to fend him off his new 4 week old sister who is trying to sleep/ feed etc. It seems to me that her sleep/feed cycle gets completely interrupted by DS on several occasions. We try to read stories /do puzzles while feeding. C beebies also helps somewhat although I'm trying to cut down on the time he spends watching it as I was rather slack in late pregnancy. I am trying to do more activities with him - more regular trips to the park, cake making etc. But he is very over active, over enthusiastic and over emotional. He seems to have completely stopped listening and refuses to do as he has been told. Today he ran off into the road, went and hid in boots, refused to get on the bus while the whole double decker was waiting etc.

There was also a recent episode at nursery where he ripped up a popular book.

He wants to be babified and has stopped getting dressed and undressed. I understand why he does this but does anyone have any suggestions for how to stop it? We do try and involve him and ask for his help with things which he does seem to enjoy. But everything feels very fraught. We do use the 'naughty step' which seems to have varying effects.

I'd like to start a reward chart but I really don't know what to put on it - 'DS does as he is told' seems over-general and not really something I expect a not quite 3 yr old to understand. But that is the main problem we are having with him!!

Basically I feel DS is hurting and I really want him to know that he is still a very much loved and wanted little boy - but that his behaviour at the moment isn't good. Is there anything I can do other than lots of cuddles and reassurance?

do you have anyone who can take the baby for a few hours to allow you and him to go and do something that you know he will love-just you and him?

oh, floss. it's only 4 weeks. my advice is:

• forget about cutting down on cbeebies until she's at least 3 months
• take it easy. you may think you're having extra quality time with him, but all these trips to the park and stuff are probably stressing you out and he may well pick up on that. "quality time" includes watching cbeebies with your child imo (as opposed to using it as a baby sitter).
• and finally, I wouldn't worry too much about the getting dressed thing yet either. he'll probably start doing it again of his own accord.

it does get better, but I am sure you know that. DS1 was just 3 when the twins arrived his poor little world was turned upside down as he couldn't even snuggle up with a book when I was feeding.

I have him fetching and carrying, opening the nappies, asking him to make 'dt1' laugh when she is upset (funny faces etc..) constant praise when he does something 'normal'. It was very hard and I felt that I pushed him out but now 6.5 mths on he is fantastic with them both and they love him to bits and give the biggest smile when he walks in the room

give it time it is only been 4 weeks and I still use cbeebies in the mornings to give me a chance to get all 4 of us fed, washed and dressed

ds1 regressed in toilet activities (rather than the dressing) and it was hard not to be cross.

Congratulations on your dd

Don't worry about C-Beebies. If it holds his concentration while you feed, that's all good. Try and keep his usual routines up to a point (playgroup, park etc.) But don't break your neck trying to 'fill the day', either. Get some 1:1 time each day with him (stories, lego, whatever). I used to get in the bath with DD1 when DP got home - that way he got cuddles with DD2 and I got time with DD1 alone.

I personally would forget star-charts etc ATM... too many recent changes for this to be effective. Let lots of naughty behaviour go, if you can (within reason). DD1 used to deliberately wee on the floor whenever I fed DD2 in the early days... or squeeze her hand just a little too hard... I found getting her involved with the care of DD2 helped, and comparing DD2 to her in a positive way worked ("She's gorgeous, just like you were...isn't she lucky to have a clever sister like you, blah blah)

It does get easier. Soon it seems like you've been a party of 4 forever

Have just gome thru this . What finally worked for us was emphasising the things he could do that babies couldn't.

We would say 'Big boys can ride bikes but babies can't' and 'Big boys can count, jump, walk' etc.

There was a time when he thought it was better to be a bay but seems to have come thru it now. And always praising the good.

Yes DS has had more accidents since DD was born. In the very early days lots of pooing of pants, which I quickly linked to him seeing DD have her nappy changed. There was a pooing in the bath incidence tonight too.

It is so hard not to get cross though! The sleep deprvation and general tiredness that two children creates makes me more short tempered than normal which I am sure doesn't help. On a purely selfish level, trips to the park give me a few minutes to myself!

I will scrap the star chart plan - other than with potty training I have never quite know what to put on!!

My SIL would probably love to have DD - however I'm not quite ready for that yet. DP works occaisional shifts atm - maybe when I stop bleeding I could take him swimming. Something to think on about!

Congratulations and as others asy i does get easier. DS1 is nearly three and DS2 is 3 m. At first DS1 was a littel sod - now he is less of a sod! He adores his little brother and can't get enough of him (too much - he's constantly slobbeing him in kisses and is very rough with his affection). I can't wait until his brother can fight back.

I also gave in to CBeebies and (to my eternal guilt) however I have just cracked down on it follwoing a tv-free holiday. Whetehr it is coincidence or whether the route I have found that since Cbeebies have been limited to after lunch and tea his behaviour has improved no end. It is earlydays and only week 1 of tv limitation. He asks for it a bit but the tantrums have died down and the tv is a reward for eating etc.

It is is harder for me to keep him occupied though and DS2 is probably suffering from neglect. I try to involve both boys in as many activities as possible

I actually have a book called 'babies can' which is showing things babies can and can't do - sounds similar to what you are saying Dinker. We will have to have a look at that one tomorrow!

FlossALump - the wetting did do my head in at times (esp with added sleep deprivation!) but I found ignoring it was the most effective approach. (Not that I managed this all the time). And it sorted itself out in the end.

So now this morning he has just tried to bite me when I was trying to get him off the buggy where he was trying to wake up his sister. his behaviour really is appalling atm.

So now this morning he has just tried to bite me when I was trying to get him off the buggy where he was trying to wake up his sister. his behaviour really is appalling. he is spitting too.

sorry for alomst double post - computer crashed as i tried to post.

Flossalump - Sorry it's ben a crap day. Honestly, it does get easier. I think it's just a massive shock to the system for the child. I once had it described to me as imagining your soul-mate walking into a room with a new lover on their arm, announcing they were here to stay... and that you'd just better get used to it! And said new lover comandeering all attention (and adoration).

I would try and ignore a lot of the bad behaviour for a bit longer, if you can. Difficult I know! I did use time-out for dd1 which I found to be quite effective at times, if she was particularly bad. I used her bedroom as the time-out area which enabled her to A) calm down, B) be removed from stressful situation C) get the message that she'd done something naughty. Used to help me calm down too

Good luck... as well as having a new sibling, he's also 3! V.challenging age!

DON'T WORRY ABOUT CBEEBIES. Let him watch it (Obv not all day) but that could be your special time togther on the sofa.

I know (God, do I know) how hard it is to keep a level head when they are kicking off, but just go with it. As for the baby behaviour, just let him carry on with it. I found this approach better than trying to stop DS1 doing it altogether. If he wanted to be spoonfed, I did it. He still occasionally has a little moment of wanting to be held like a baby etc etc, but it's very rarae now. It's a Roayl PITA, but they soon tire of it.

I alos found it helpful NOT to emphasise that DS1 was the big boy, because it is very easy to forget that the older child is still only small themselves. That said, don't let bad behaviour pass, and remain consistent!

I found tha5t having a box of special toys and books for DS1 really helped when I was feeding DS2 (As I told you about last week) and he would often at these time happily amuse himself while I sorted DS2 out. I also gave him particular jobs to do, that on;y he could do, like fetching a nappy for the baby etc etc etc, this helped too.

Remember it;s been 4 weeks, and all is still very new. It will settle down very soon, and you will all find your own rhythm. DS will settle down soon enough

Another thging I found helpful was to do things like say "Oh, DS2 loves it when you ....(Insert whatever)....... Why don;lt you show him how you do it"

And remeber I am on the end of the phone whenever you need me xxxxx

Hello! Thank you. Yesterday got a bit better - trip to the soft play and out in the car with daddy helped give us both some time and i found it much easier to engage with him again. This morning its been reasonably ok so far!! I need to try and organise a box like you said IGW - he'll have some nice new things to go in it soon too. The problem I have with DD as well is some days she will sleep for england beautifully and others she will stay awake fore England!

I have been thinking the same about the 'big boy' comments. They don't tend to go down well. But then again, nor do the 'DD likes you doing...' Because he just says no!!

I need to text you as well IGW - are you about much next week? I might brave the bus!!! xxx

big boy comments never went down well with my DS1 either, so I didn;t make them.

Has DP gone back to work now? That was a b9g upheaval for my DS, but he was ok after a couple of weeks.

Don;t put too much pressure on yourselves either, just go with the flow. If you don;t get out one day, then don;t feel bad about it. I used to get my bag ready the night gefore soi I could just go out when the boys were dressed without having to run around looking for arse wipes.

As for next week, all go9od apart from Friday, which is DP's birthday! Wednesday cpould be good. See how you feel, and if you want me to come to you then I can do that, if not brave the bus x

As for your DD when she is awake, what about popping her under a baby gym? taht would keep DS2 amused for a bit while I played with DS1. DS2 didn;t like it at first, but I perservered!

With dd when ds was born I used to roll my eyes at her when he cried and say something (good humouredly) like 'here we go again, crikey, you never cried quite this much!' and similar things, so she could see I didnt like the crying either, but its what babies do.

I also would make a big point of having to get up and deal with him, rather than just jump of the sofa leaving DD to her won device, I'd sit there pulling faces like and tell DD 'i'd better go and sort out that little monkey, brb, mummy loves you' and tickle her tummy or give her a kiss or something.

Most importantly I found was to acknowledge and allow DD to be frustrated by/annoyed with DS, theyre less likely to show it ion other ways if they are able to deal with it by laughing about it with mummy.

So my advice is dont emphasise what a big boy your Ds is, but how he was the same not too long agao, and that its normal to get fed up with baby, even you do sometimes, but it wont last forever. Humour and understanding go a long way

Good Luck.

Yes she will sit under her baby gym somedays and will sit in her bouncer, but she seems to have good days and not so good - sometimes she doesn't want to be put down! I've just brought a new sling though (shhh!) and I think that will make it easier. We have definately had a better day today - somehow, although we've still had some spats, he seems calmer IYKWIM? He pushed DD back and forward to get her back to sleep this morning, without any prompting I'd like to say! Loryan, your ideas are lovely!

IGW - weds should be good for us too - DS will be fne getting to you I have no doubt as he knows who is waiting at the top of the alleyway!! Getting home however, well I might try to remember to bring something lovely to eat on the way back to the bus!!!