Naughty toddler put me off having kids?

[1stDue2021]

Please
No judgment! I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant

So my partner and I have a friend (we're friends with him and his girlfriend)

They're both lovely and have an almost 3 year old boy. I'm pregnant myself and being around their toddler has honestly stressed me out about having a child. I don't know if he is behaved or is genuinely naughty? Not sure if I'm over reacting!

He constantly throws things over the house (constantly, scissors, sweets, his toys, anything he can grab. Doesn't just throw them - he throws them at us and his parents) his mum will tell him to stop and threaten to discipline him but will only put him on the naughty step "until he's calmed down and decides to come back in"

He will constantly swear. Constantly. Which is learnt behavior from his dad, and also hit. He's an adorable little boy with a lovely personality but being around him genuinely gives me anxiety because I'm having a baby myself and would be so annoyed if my son acted that way (please don't judge I'm so chilled and laid back. But for me I want a child that can say please and thank you, know what's right and wrong and is kind to people) as I said when he's behaving he's such a lovely boy.

Background info. His dads too laid back. Mum is pregnant with her second and works all day as well as the dad but whenever the little boy is doing something naughty the dads always shouts her to discipline him.

I know this sounds so rude and bitchy and I feel terrible, but I just wanted opinions? Is it wrong for me to want to raise a child with manners and kindness and invest all the time I can into them to make them a better person?

Or is this just toddlers for you?

I know this will be mixed comments but I haven't had kids myself yet so please no mean comments I am just asking for advice here!

Thanks x

My daughter is only 20 months old but one thing she has taught me is not to judge other people’s toddlers!

I always used to see toddlers misbehaving and thinking “Gosh, if that was my child... etc” but goodness it’s different when you have them (and I’m in the early days!)

My daughter is reasonably well behaved, says her pleases and thank yous, but also likes to throw cups and plates on the floor, do exactly what I’ve just told her not to do (eg stand up on something dangerous) and other fun things.

You’re not wrong to want to raise a polite, well-behaved child but you will probably soon learn that toddlers are toddlers and the “bad behaviour” is a phase that the majority (though not all!) goes through. Testing boundaries is all part of their growing up! Congrats on your pregnancy x

I feel like you're asking people not to judge you, but you spent most of the post judging your friend's parenting and their child.

I agree with the above post in that it is easy to judge when you are not a parent yourself. Or if you are one of the lucky ones who has a placid, well behaved toddler. Sometimes you have one who is just wild and, with the best will in the world, there is just no changing it. You don't really know what your friend has tried or not tried when you've not been there. You've just assumed you've seen the whole picture and that they must be doing something wrong.

At the end of the day, we all want well behaved, polite children. And just because they're a bit rowdy as toddlers, doesn't mean they won't grow into well rounded, sensible little people as they grow older.

I have two children. They have both been brought up in the exact same way. They could not be more different! Their individual personalities have a lot to do with it.

I wish you all the luck with your little one in the world. ❤️

Some things you can control, some things you might have to live through.

A toddler who never, ever hears swearing (except perhaps by some random passer-by in the street) is less likely to swear (at least until he gets to school and by then it's easier to control them). Things that must not be thrown can be put at a safe height.

On the other hand, the beautifully polite children who say "please" and "thank you" and make polite conversation over the dinner table are the product of several years of work and patience- you can't just look at a child undergoing that process and decide it's a failure any more than you can look at a small puppy and decide its owner has failed to train it because it's just done a puddle. Being socialised into the expectations of human society is very complex. It takes years, not only of training but of development before they get it. Before then, you need to keep repeating the mantra "child-rearing is work in progress".

The plus side of this drawn-out process is that it is actually enormously interesting!!! Toddlers are genuinely entertaining, and you get to live through the anthropological experience of seeing a human mind developing.

You just have to be a bit forgiving of yourself, work on minimising the inconvenience caused to other people, certainly, but also remind yourself that you are not a failure because a 3yo is not a fully developed adult.

My 3yo had to be watched like a hawk. No impulse control whatsoever. By the time she started school, all school reports stressed her good manners. She has grown into a genuinely pleasant adult. But there are times when I miss that 3yo- she was such fun!

@CP2701 not judging at all. More of the backstory is the dad goes out from Sunday - Monday on drugs and booze and the mum is left on her own to raise their child as well as being heavily pregnant. I don't think me wanting to be a better parent than this is judging?

OP, don't quite get your reasoning. You have observed a dysfunctional family and it's put you off toddlers? As if it was the toddler's fault that he is being raised by a useless father who was a poor role model.

If what you wanted was to judge this man- and who can blame you?- then why didn't you make the thread about him.

Having said this, you do need to be realistic about the ability of a young child to immediately respond to your perfect parenting and become the finished product. The reality is, work in progress. Years of it. And then at the end to accept that while certain basics can be inculcated, your child also has a personality of their own and will in the end make their own decisions about what they want to take from your parenting.

I was in the 'if that were my kid' brigade and I will agree with pp that it's a lot harder when it's your own kid....you do have to pick your battles and a rambunctious toddler isn't necessarily going to become a badly behaved child. That said I don't think I'd be accepting scissors being thrown around specially not in my own house WTF?! The child shouldn't be getting near such things especially if they're inclined to throw them. For what it's worth though the above is generally how we discipline our toddler. She is removed from the situation if needed and we don't have a naughty step but we go for a chat on the step. We stay there until she is calm then we explain why she was there and tell her what behaviour we expect. We also talk when she's calmer if we notice something we don't like and explain what we expect and what the consequence of not behaving this will be whilst she's calm and rational enough to process it. We will try and remind her of the consequence too and give her the choice to correct her behaviour before it escalates to consequence. Toddler years are hard though. They're not really old enough to fully process and modify their behaviour until they're quite old. Mine is only just starting to manage it I'd say and she's a clever 33MO with good understanding. Until then a I think all you really can do is love them, protect them and demonstrate the behaviour you expect and (ironically) ignore the judgemental people who think your kid is a brat Whether it's put you off or not you are having this baby. They might grow up like your friend's kid or they might grow up calmer but I promise you they will challenge you without a doubt. You will adapt and you will manage because you have to and you may look back on this post and realise how naive you were (as was I and most of us so don't take that as a n insult) On the flip side you're about to be blessed with a human being that you're going to love more than anything else on this planet so please just enjoy it. They really are an utter delight even when they're testing your last nerve x

To be fair, you didn't mention any of that, and also, I am pretty sure you don't be doing any of that with your child! They might still turn out a bit of a riot but as others have said, you live and learn!

You do toddler proof your house etc... So if they can't get hold of certain things then they obviously can't be throwing them etc. As they get older, you can explain things better to them and they listen better. But as toddlers are so impulsive, the best thing is to remove things at that stage.

There is no reason for their toddler (who I sympathise with completely) should put you off having your own. As someone else said, children are so funny. I can assure you that you will be tested but that you will thoroughly enjoy that time and even wish for it back in later years!

I agree with pp. I've read your posts more carefully and tbh I know they're your friends but I'm not sure I'd want these people anywhere near my child and I definitely wouldn't want to base my parenting on them.

@1stDue2021 yeah as people above said. Once you have your own, you will see things slightly differently. Not that being rude and hitting etc. is OK, but seeing a child on one day on one occasion does not provide full picture.

Having said that the family you describe do not seem to be the role models and I agree I'd not want them anywhere around my children. Kids learn what they see, good or bad. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having views and plans about how you will teach and educate your kids and it may work or not, but having high standards to start with is imo not a bad thing.