Help! 18mth old separation anxiety due to death of pet...

[mummymagic]

How do I help reassure my 18mth dd that we are coming back when we say bye - even though her beloved cat has gone 'away' and is never going to come back?

She seemed fine with the explanation that he had gone away (this was over three weeks ago). But over the weekend at my mum's she started calling her cat by our cat's name and being more upset when left.

She was reading the Owl Babies book with us and completely fixated on the page where the children realise the mummy owl has gone, saying 'away' in a little heartbreaking voice . 'Who has gone away?' I said - 'Mummy'. Obviously we emphasised the bits where mummy came back but it seems to be so important to her. Then today, I left her with dh for a couple of hours and she was more concerned than usual - taking dh to where the cat had scratched the wall and saying the cat's name... hence the penny dropping that she is now realising he never came back.

So what now? She is only 18mths but she does understand a lot. Do I try to explain that he isn't coming back? How?

Any ideas gratefully received.

Gone away is such an ambiguous statement and no wonder she thinks you aren't coming back too. Needs to find a different way to explain about the cat and keep reassuring her you will come back.

I know! We have handled it all wrong and need to find another way to explain. We don't say we are going away - we are specific - so suppose I thought it would be sufficiently different. But you are right, was too ambigious.

But what can we say that an 18mth will understand? Maybe I need to say he is dead and he is not coming back. I have said he is not coming back though.

I know it is hard and I didn't mean to sound like I was telling you off.

Make sure you don't say gone to sleep, etc. It is easy to know what not to say. Maybe just say she died and you won't be seeing her again. Don't know what else to say really.

Sorry for your loss.

Give her lots of cuddles. That wll help her more than words.

The book where Mog dies (very sad) - hang on - Goodbye Mog is lovely. I really don't have any experience in this area, but this is a lovely book, and perhaps would help you all to talk about it. Michael Rosen's Sad Book is also lovely, but probably less useful than the Mog book in this case. I hope she feels better soon. I still miss my cat!

Thing is, she hasn't seemed upset at all. Which is why it's not been an issue til this weekend. She accepted 'gone away' (which as I said we don't use at all) and every now and again we would look at a picture or the scratches he did on the wall and 'remember' him and say 'bye'. But maybe this was confusing because obviously she says 'bye' to us! It's obviously been going round and round her head though.

Hmmm... Just chatted to dh and think we are going to introduce the word 'dead' as a concept to explain that he isn't coming back. We are both a bit unsentimental and think we worried we were being too brutal to say that to a toddler. But actually that's the truth, isn't it? And we can continue doing all the nice remembering stuff and being sad because we miss him stuff.

Thanks!

PS books look great, thanks!
(Love Meg, Mog and Owl)

sorry, got confused. looks good though!

I remember having pet deaths explained to me quite unsentimentally, and it worked.
It was like "she's dead, because cats don't live as long as humans"
you know - the cat's dead, but we'll/you'll live for a lot longer, so don't worry
i remember thinking it was great that humans had the longest lifespan - till i found out about giant tortoises
but i guess at 18 mo, this might be a bit too much to take in, but for future reference.........
sounds very sad for your dd - hope it passes

Hi. I lost my pony in June and my dd nearly 4 spent her whole lofe with her. She died quite suddenly although she was old and I told her bluntly she died and isnt coming back . She accepted it straight away and although she misses her (as do I) we talk about her daily in a very fond fashion. I,e that horse looks like 'uncle Rosie' (her nickname) . Do you remember when she did this etc. I know my dd is older but I always think the truth is easier to deal with , and to talk about the animal not just pretend it has dissapeard,especially if it was a big and important part of her life as my horse was. Hope that helps!