second baby on the way. How do I avoid insecurity in first child?

[Anabellesmumanddad]

Our first girl will be about 15 months old when her sister is due. I had just been assuming she was too young to get jealous, but yesterday I held a friends 11 week old and our daughter started crying. I am sure she will get used to it and I am not feeling paranoid, but I would be grateful for some tips on how to help her get used to the idea. We thought of getting a little baby doll and treating it like a baby so she could get used to seeing her parents holding a wee one....

Your friends daughter is not her sister so it will be different, make sure she is involved my eldest daughter use to help me just with small things it will make her feel important and part of it.I know it will be tiring but just make sure she is not left out. Best wishes with all.

Our dd1 was 14 months when dd2 arrived, and she was so clingy to me that I really worried about her reaction to the new baby. my mum bought her a baby doll, which she wasn't too interested in ( until the baby arrived, then she had to come every where with us). When she came to see us in hospital I made sure I wasn't holding dd2, she was in the crib. We also used the name we had chosen for a few weeks before the baby arrived, and I think then when she was with us , it was like she had always been around. D1 took to dd2 straight away, her first word was her sisters name, she cuddles up and holds her foot when she is crying, and hasn't seemed jealous ( but I say never say never!) even when she sees dd2 in bed with us. We did end up relying a bit on cbeebies in the early days, because the books always ended up in a pile on the floor! And, let dd1 help with dd2 (dd1 is great for getting wipes, putting nappies together etc). Also don't be too afraid of dd1 hurting dd2, keep an eye on her, but don't keep telling her not to touch ( as lots of 'helpful' people around me did ), its really lovely for both of them if she can stroke and cuddle her sister - good luck!

I'm in the same situation but I've got a boy and I'm expecting a girl. Not to be gender fixated, but should I buy him a baby doll? I was thinking about a small train set to arrive around the same time as DD1 does.

any suggestions?

YEs Loopsy, my DH does almost everything on the w'ends and first feed of the day - so that's a good point, I didn't think of it. Also I spoke to him last night and he thinks a baby doll is a really good idea. Thanks.

The younger the first child the quicker they get used to a new baby IME. 15 months is prime mummy-exclusivity time though so expect a bit of jealousy (as you've already seen Agree that you should have your hands free for cuddles when she sees you and baby for the first time.

Get her involved in whatever way you can.

The doll idea is ab great one.

When DS2 was born, DS1 wasn't quite 21 months. We had a box of toys that we brought out only when I was feeding DS2. There were his fave toys and a cpouple of books. That definitely softened the blow of some my time being taken up by another baby. When I finished feeding, I would distract DS1 and put them away or let him play with them til a convenient time, like lunchtime.

I agree with a previous comment about letting your DD touch the baby (Obv if she is poking the baby's eyes or pushing the fontanelle, DS1's fave tricks, then intervene) Your DD will be fascinated by the baby, so let her explore! Babies are v robust. Just emphasise they you need to be gentle with abaies because they are so little. Encouirage her to stroke the baby's hair etc etc etc

If shge regressews a bit (Like wanting you to spoon feed her etc) just ride it out. It will pass. DS1 has a pahase of wanting to be cradled like a baby about 2 or 3 months ago, I just let him carry on. I also used to find it helped a bit to emphasise all the things DS1 coyuld do that abaies coyuldn't like walking, feeding himself etyc etc, but don;t make too much of "you are a big girl" because she is still a baby herself! I think I expected too much of DS1 in terms aif behaviour etc after U hgad DS2 because he seemed so grown up all of a sufdden. I kept haing to remind myself that he was still very young!

Finally, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE EVERY DAY! Take your daugeter to the park and wear her out. Get a double buggy and go for 2 walks a day. I did this when DS2 was tiny, and it kept me sane.

It really isn't as bad as you think it's goingt to be, I promise. You will find your own way, and you DD will be a great big sister.

Thanks everyone, that was all really helpful. Especially the bit about not holding the baby the first time they meet. Also I agree with the comments of boys getting dolls. I think it helps them learn how to take care of things. (A friend of mine had older boy, younger sister and that was her experience)

Books are a good idea too
My ds loved 'Spot's Baby Sister' and 'A special something'

try not to make too much of a big issue over it . Buy a present from the baby for your ds, and show him that before the baby, and don't be holding the baby when he comes in.

I think it is important for him to feel that it is HIS baby too. ds1 was born on dd's 2nd birthday, so she was a little bit older. But she was so proud of him, jealousy was never an issue. She got to introduce and show off him to all the relatives who came to visit, so that she didn't feel left out. (Though we did have to have words when she appeared at the door, where I was talking to a visitor, holding him at just a few days old!)

They have stayed incredibly close, I think the closeness in age does help. She still mothers him a lot, even now, which I have to watch. It is sweet that they do get on so well though, even now they are 5 and 7.

I mean, try not to make too much of an issue before the baby is born. I didn't do the whole books and that thing before, because I think it can add apprehension. I answered her questions, and let her lead the conversations about what was going to happen when ds1 was born.

TBH I don't think that my dd1 would have understood too much so we didn't do the whole book thing. Just before we had her I always made sure that I talked about the baby in terms of "dd's baby sister", or even just "dd's baby", I think that at such a young age they can only really understand things in relation to themselves.