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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

what is wrong with my 13 week old baby - he doesn't like me!

22 replies

bumbly · 21/10/2007 19:42

Just lost my rag big time with little one and left him in room for hubby to deal with

LO been having tantrum all eve and after a one hourly feed still unhappy with me....

def something not right - he rarely smiles at me and has never laughed at me..whereas with my hubby and mother in law he does both readily or at toys!

he never really follows me either if in a room - but does so with hubby

i spend ALL day with him trying to get best care for him, buying him all sorts of toys and objects for his well being, play with him, give him nappy free time...you name it...working through reflux, colic, projectile vomiting, him always wanting to be held, 1-2 hourly feeds even now, sleepless nights, feeding problems, head control problems, goign to stupid baby clubs with competitive mums...

and yet i feel completely unloved and really to be honest... am completely pissed off actually now at him

i shouldnt be angry but i guess it is more of an anger/worry feeling...and am starting to resewnt him ..which i wish i wasn't feeling

i guess what is really annoying me the most - ok he doesn't love me...but i need my five mins time and he never gives that to me and am going mad - never been a baby person but thought ok now after birth i like babies a bit...but this no time for me is totally draining me!

hence running away this min - he seems to be completely happy in chair with dad in kitchen - and here to mumsnet

he would NEVER sit in a chair like that with me in day - he would cry after a few mins....

grrr!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

wrinklytum · 21/10/2007 19:49

Poor you!

I remember feeling similar with dd.The screaming abdabs with her reflux etc.The problem is,being Mum, YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE!!!Then dad would come back and she would be all smiles,little monkey.Same with ds but minus the reflux.Boy is it tiring if they are colicky!!!!

Believe me it does get better

Soon he will be a right Mummys boy and interacting more.It honestly does improve.

yogimum · 21/10/2007 19:51

poor bumbly, this could have been writing this many times over. It may sound a bit cliche but it does get easier honestly. I still sometimes think ds prefers other people to me especially his daddy. Don't be so hard on yourself. Its really ok for you to have some time on your own.

Original poster

bumbly · 21/10/2007 19:53

thanks for messages!

just feel pretty low and angry

OP posts:

LIZS · 21/10/2007 19:53

I think you may find, as his mum and 24/7 carer, you are more in tune with his whines and screams but perhaps dh /mil are less quick to react and it may be that he simply needs space to calm himself sometimes plus they are a novelty. Of course he loves you but he has you all the time and as a baby takes it for granted that you are there as and when required. It isn't personal !

An occasional break does noone any harm though. Take advantage of it when it is available so that you don't come to resent him. Did you ever look into a pushchair fitness session in the park, might help relieve your stress a bit during the week, or something at the weekends/evenings just for you. When dh is around to take over. sounds like he could manage fine for a bit now.

Original poster

bumbly · 21/10/2007 19:55

hi liz

oh yes did look into pram thing but here none exist!!

i would love that as it is just my cup of tea - as am pretty outdoorsy orientated!!

thanks for always being there with advice!

OP posts:

Sushipaws · 21/10/2007 19:55

Oh doll, it does get better, he knows your there all the time, he doesn't feel he needs to try with you.

One day soon he'll snuggle into you and it'll all be worth it.

Either that or you could stick him on eBay

yogimum · 21/10/2007 20:03

I remember ringing the HV to tell her that she would have to come and take ds as I couldn't cope, thank god she didn't ring me straight back as changed my mind the next day. And I look after babies for a living. Its very emotionally draining when its your own.

LIZS · 21/10/2007 20:03

Shame about the exercise thing , are htere any other activities you could go to, swimming perhaps, to wear him out and give you a change ?

Elk · 21/10/2007 20:05

Hi,
You are tired and stressed, please give yourself a break. It is really difficult being responsible for a baby all day every day. I did a very similar thing when my dd1 was little and dh took over and gave me a break for a while. If you are stressed and upset it does a little one no harm to be in their cot while you calm down.

He may be more smily (sp) with your dh because he is picking up on your stress. dd1 knew that I had no clue and was really stressed and was always more relaxed with her father (was a daddy's girl for ages). dd2 however has always been a mummy's girl.

Don't worry about all this nappy free time/ tummy time etc and you will find something you can enjoy together.

kindersurprise · 21/10/2007 20:17

No, he does not hate you, he is picking up on your nerves. Your DH is more relaxed with him because he is out all day and his life has not changed so radically as yours has. It is such a huge change in your life, and it is such a huge responsibility that you now have, your DS relies on you for everything. I know that it is hard, but it will get better, honestly.

How are you doing with feeding, aside from the fact that you are feeding so often? I take it you are still breastfeeding? Would you consider expressing some milk so that your DH could do a night feed? You are exhausted from lack of sleep no doubt.

Even if there is no course in your area, taking him out in his pram once a day is a good idea. I went out every day with my DD, fresh air and a change of scenery always did me good.

And stay away from the pushy parents, "oh, is your DS not talking/walking/doing A-level physics..." >

Gursky · 21/10/2007 20:23

I have felt exactly the same way. It will get better. I think you need a proper break, out of the house (or in the house on your own) to do something just for you and in your own time.

MegBusset · 21/10/2007 20:34

Hi Bumbly, sorry you are feeling like this but if it's any consolation, around the same time I felt exactly the same with my DS. Just felt like he reacted much more to DH, all the smiles and laughs were for him, if we were all together he would watch DH and not me. I got really upset on a few occasions about the fact that I did so much for him and loved him so much but he seemed to prefer DH

What I had to accept is that he just had a different relationship with DH to me. DH is the funny bloke who turns up and twats about making him laugh for half an hour. I was the mum who did all the dull/hard stuff so was bound to see more of his less cheery side.

As time has gone on I have developed my own, incredibly strong relationship with DS which is more nurturing, caring etc -- if he hurts himself only a mummy cuddle will do to comfort him! I know how to make him laugh now if I want to, but I don't compete with DH on that front.

Also would really recommend reading What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadtlen which will reassure you that what you're going through is totally normal. She says that babies often cry more with their mum, it's because they trust her to respond to their need so they communicate it to her first!

Hope that helps, please believe me that this phase will pass very soon.

ib · 21/10/2007 20:36

I had this with ds at one point - with reflux etc was feeding about 20x per day (no exaggeration) and feeling totally drained - and ds always seemed unhappy with me.

TBH I think it was because he associated me=feeding=pain. Once we started weaning (dh gives him his solids) and got the reflux under control he became just as happy with me as with dh.

He's now 10 months old ans still has a little cry and goes slightly frantic when it's time to breastfeed. We still haven't managed to get rid of that habit completely, but am working on it!

Hekate · 21/10/2007 20:38

Bless you. he needs you. He might be sensing your stress and it's unsettling him, so try to take some time out and relax. You're doing nothing wrong with your baby, honestly. You are there all the time for him, you're a constant - it's a sad fact of life that poor old Always-Around (mum) gets overlooked! But it doesn't mean he's not bonded to you.

He's so very very new. Give him a break! And give yourself a break too.

serendippity · 21/10/2007 20:40

Yeah, i know exactly how you feel.
He does like, he does love you, he does need you...BUT you are mummy. You are always there. A baby this age can make the distinction between someone who is always there, and reliable and then get complacent. Others get special treatment, just cause they're a novilty.
It has nothing at all to do with you, or your parenting, just a baby who kind of sees you as part of the furniture.
Believe me dd (at 3) is the same. She can be a total monster for me all day, grumpy, moody, whiny...then dp will come home. Happy, smiley, gorgeous and cheerful angel will come out. At weekends, daddy has to do everything for her. Mummy doesn't get a look in. Mummy often mumbles "what the hell am i even here for?!"
Because, simply, daddy works all week and isn't always there.
BUT if she falls down, is scared by something or has a bad dream, she looks for me. Always.
Mummys are security blankets for ouy kids. It's a compliment, it simply shows how secure our kids feel with our love.
Keep with it, you will see how much he needs and adores you, it may take time, but proof happens every day.

Original poster

bumbly · 21/10/2007 20:47

ps FYI bottle feeding - Lo always been a 1-2 hour feeder even on bottle

and yes i think because am mummy he knows am there all the time

Sometimes i am in room and I know he knows i am there but he doesnt even bloody acknowledge me!!! very odd!!

I cant thank all of you for your posts - cheered me uo big time tonight

LO feeding with hubby again after 1 1/2 hours

and weird - after a break i almost feel need to feed LO myself as seems likes am forgetting feeling of being with him and yet i also feel i need my me time

the pull of being a mum ei!!

OP posts:

Gursky · 21/10/2007 20:53

Glad you are feeling a bit better. Time out is so valuable for everyone - especially when you are at the beck and call of a LO day and night.

Keep going - it will get better.

Original poster

bumbly · 21/10/2007 20:53

now i fell guilty for feeling the way i did and for acting the way i did

boy did i swear today!

OP posts:

Gursky · 21/10/2007 20:55

Don't you dare feel guilty! It is important to improve everyone's vocab

Original poster

bumbly · 21/10/2007 20:57

he he - like that!!

OP posts:

Gursky · 21/10/2007 21:00

Next time there will be prizes for originality, obscenity and aliteration.

woodstock3 · 21/10/2007 21:01

really sorry you're having such a tough time. my ds also had colic and sometimes it felt like he did nothing but scream at me then go magically quiet for my mum (or worse for my dad who doesnt even like babies!) i was angry at the endless, draining demands for food too.
what helped was dh/ inlaws/ whoever taking him out once a day for a walk while i got a breather plus working out that he needed winding constantly. he was often screaming for food because feeding soothed him, when he actually needed winding.
get your gp/hv to give him the onceover to rule out a physical cause of discomfort and also tell them how YOU feel (and make sure your dh knows too) - is it at all possible you have a touch of pnd? (dont mean to offend but it's really common with a difficult baby).
if there is something ds reliably enjoys (eg he's always happy in the bath) you do that bit of care while dh does his share of the non-fun stuff so that there is time you can relax and enjoy him. he clearly DOES love you - if as you say he wants to be picked up all the time he clearly gets comfort from you.
hang on in there - it gets better with age honest.

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