How to discipline a very sensitive 3.5 girl?

[Morgandetoi]

Hi,

I have a VERY sensitive 3.5 year old daughter. I have been very lucky up to now, as she has always listened to me.

She is an generally extremely well behaved, apart from normal toddler things. However, I have no idea how to handle discipline now she is getting older and finding her voice.

She has always been very sensitive and I have always been careful of how I talk to her, they same the same at her childminders. She is wise beyond her years and extremely kind. A knock to her confidence can upset her for days.

For instance, she got into my make up bag the other day when I was distracted with my 7 month old and put lipstick all over her face and hands, she knows not to go into my make up and never has. When I told her that was naughty,(normal voice not raised) she burst into tears and kept saying “I’m sorry mummy, I’m sorry, give me a hug, I’m sad” I hate seeing her sad so I just gave her hug and talked to her to let her know not to do it again.

The problem is she has started doing this for any behaviour deemed “naughty” or anytime I ask her to do anything, “sit down and eat your dinner” starts to cry, “please hold still while I get you changed” starts to cry.

I don’t want her to be upset but I feel like i am letting her get away with things because she crying. After asking her to eat her lunch she told her daddy today that’s “she was really upset, because mummy is upset with me and I’m not her angel anymore” I don’t feel like this is manipulative behaviour.

Any advice?

My DDs are now 16 and 12. The older was extremely sensitive like your DD....and here's the thing...I didn't discipline them. Never did the whole "If you do that again, then you can't go to the party" stuff at all.

They're incredibly well behaved and trustworthy. The eldest has a part time job, plenty of friends and studies well. The younger is popular, kind, thoughtful and generous.

At the school fair the other day (we're in Oz) she handed half of her money to a friend who had none at all.

I'm not saying my way suits all kids but I find explaining why something shouldn't be done is far better.

At 3 your DD didn't know what the lipstick would do or that it was hard to get off.

She was doing what children are designed to do...exploring.

She sees you use the lipstick and thought she'd have a go. Naturally, she has no skills and got carried away with the sensory effects of it.

Where did your DD get a phrase like "I'm not her angel anymore"? That's not something you've said to her surely?

If she's crying over simple instructions, just remain brisk and ignore it.

Don't reward it with attention. Change the subject. I always found that bursting into song or dance was a good way to take them from a path that wasn't sensible.

Oh goodness no. I would never ever say anything like that to her. I gentle parent as much as possible. Those were the kind of things my parents used to say to me, so I would never say it to my child.

It’s not her getting the lipstick as such, like you say toddlers explore I understand that, it’s more the fact she knows not to touch but did so anyway.

I think I needed to hear what you said about your kids. I worry she has no discipline but maybe she doesn’t need it. Thank you for your reply.

She might know not to touch but doesn't yet have any impulse control. That's learned...one thing that helps with that is board games or games with turn-taking.

Thank you for that tip. I didn’t think of working on impulse control. Now to work on her attention span to get to play board games! Honestly thank you.

No worries! There are other, more simple ways to work on turn taking....things like I spy (but with colours instead of letters) and even catch with a ball...plus, those little fishing games...you know the ones where there's a little pool with plastic fish and you both have a rod with a magnet on it? That's easy enough for a 3 year old but still needs patience whilst the other person has turn.

I'm sure she is very sensitive but it also sounds like she's discovered the perfect way of commanding your full attention. I doubt the fact that she now has to compete for your attention with a new sibling is coincidence either.

If that continues she will be in for a really rough ride when she starts school, where there will be no tolerance for high drama every time she is given a simple instruction. So for her sake I would - very gently- try and extinguish this behaviour.