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Fibbing - normal phase? How to handle?

7 replies

Earlybird · 21/10/2007 05:01

DD is almost 7, very verbal and has a good imagination. Over the past few weeks she has started telling small and easily spotted fibs.

I mildly told her off tonight about something, and she immediately launched into a convincing story about children being mean to her at school. At first, I wondered if she was simply trying to distract me from telling her off. But her story was very elaborate and detailed. I was concerned, asked questions/made sympathetic noises/gave advice and encouragement. I also wondered if some of the low level bullying she experienced at the start of the school year was returning.

She ended with a separate story about a boy at school, which again was very detailed. I asked questions, told her how she should handle the situation should it arise again, and wondered aloud if I should have a word with the teacher and/or his parents. She asked me not to several times, as she 'didn't want him to feel bad'. She kept saying she didn't want the boy to 'get into trouble because it would make him sad' even though I kept reassuring her that she had done nothing wrong in the situation as she described it, and if he got into trouble, it was a logical consequence of the behaviour. She kept insisting that I not say anything to anyone.

Eventually something made me ask if she was telling the truth, and she admitted she wasn't. I gave her a talk about trust and the importance of telling the truth. I also calmly and seriously told her I was surprised at her fibs, and felt disapointed in her. We had a brief cuddle, and said goodnight. Ten minutes later, she was downstairs and asked me not to say anything to the teacher about the children being mean to her at school, as that story was a fabrication too (though this did happen at the start of the school year). I just said 'you must be truthful', and told her goodnight again.

Is this a normal phase? How should I have handled it? Do I say anything tomorrow? Eliminate some 'treats' as punishment, or threaten to if it happens again? Tonight's fibs were multi-layered (vivid imagination at play?), and not so easy to identify. It feels to me that this needs to be nipped in the bud. I honestly don't know how to handle, and would appreciate advice.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 21/10/2007 08:27

Wow your dd has a brilliant imagination! Don't be too hard on her, it is normal for them to make up stories and you sound like you handled it very well. The stories are all about school - is anything troubling her do you think?

Earlybird · 21/10/2007 13:57

Thanks for your thoughts cornsilk.

School has been tricky as we moved from London to America in July. Early on, some of the children were quite mean to the 'new and different' girl - 'your accent is weird', 'none of us has a fringe', etc, along with the normal 'new kid' stuff of having no one to play with at break time.

It seemed to me we had got past that stage, as other children have got to know her. However, I think atm there are some isolated comments (jealousy? envy? what?) as the other children realise she is pretty far ahead due to her UK education which is more advanced at this age than the American one (and she's clever too). She has definitely had a dose of the legendary cruelty of little girls which we had not really experienced previously.

DD claims this morning to have fibbed because she watched 'High School Musical' for the first time last night, and the 'bad girl' in the story told fibs. Any other thoughts on how/if I should address the situation today?

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cornsilk · 21/10/2007 14:00

That sounds hard early bird. If your dd isn't happy at school would it help to have a word with the teachers. It does seem from what you say that her anxieties are centred around that.

Earlybird · 21/10/2007 15:20

cornsilk - I have already spoken to the teacher at length, and she has been sympathetic and supportive.

TBH, I'm not sure all of this has to do with our new situation. Some of it is I think to do with learning to cope with all kinds of people - and learning how to choose friends/who to steer clear of.

Bottom line: I'm still upset about the elaborate fibbing, and wonder how/if I should address it today.

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jellybelly25 · 21/10/2007 21:51

dd1 just loves to make stuff up, exaggerate and elaborate. (She's nearly 8) We made a deal that it's ok to tell stories but that she must state beforehand that it is in fact, a story, and then we can all play along without feeling like we're being lied to. She doesn't always do this, but sometimes it helps. When I realise something sounds a bit far fetched or ego-indulgent I remind her...

It is difficult though. And I think a LOT of kids do it at this age. HTH

Earlybird · 22/10/2007 14:51

I still have a niggling thought that she might have been telling the truth (likely exaggerated, but essentially the truth), but backtracked rapidly when it became clear that I might speak to the teacher/parents. Was she caught out in a big imaginative fib, or covering up to protect children in school who might get 'in trouble'? I honestly don't know.

Could an almost 7 year old be that sophisticated?

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jellybelly25 · 22/10/2007 22:54

Yes I think so, I mean she is old enough to know that she gets varying degrees of attention depending on the severity of the incident, not meaning shes being manipulative just that she will have made it sound worse to ensure you sit up and take note. Then like you say she probably realised it had gone a bit far which is not necessarily a bad thing...

You could ask her to tell you the story again? And try to get her to miss out the fibby bits?

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