My 18 year son will not speak to me!!

[strewthy13]

Since my son was about 11 years old he changed, it was awful. He has got worse and not better with his ignorant behaviour. The only time he comes out of his room is to eat. When he speaks to us, his parents, it's so rude, abrupt and offensive. I'm thinking now that he really does hate us as he treats us like dirt. He never laughs or smiles with us and it appears he's almost completely cut us off. He laughs, giggles and jokes with his friends - something he has never done with us. When we ask him to come out with us he always makes up an excuse not to come but when his friends ask him he goes out with them. I'm at my wits end and have shed many tears over this, I feel, as a parent, I have completely failed. He tries to belittle us when he does talk, his 'thing' is to walk away when we're speaking to him. His school work is exemplary. I hate feeling like this every day. If my friends or family treated us they way he does I certainly wouldn't stand for it. Any suggestions/ideas very welcome..

We'll, he's an adult now, but it sounds like he's had no respect for you for years. Changing that is harder the longer the behaviour is entrenched. But your expectations seem odd - it's fairly normal for 18 year olds not to want to hang out with parents, and go out with friends instead. It's hard to know from your post whether you're an unreasonable over invested parent who's stifling their son on the cusp of autonomy, or if he's a rude little entitled brat who's never been pulled up on basic bad manners.. or maybe both. Or neither.

Have you explored therapy as a family?
What did you try when it got like this 7 years ago, and since?
What pattern is there, either timing (did anything change around age 11 in the family, moving, losing a grandparent, difficulty at school?)
Finally, have you talked to him? Properly, one on one, when it's quiet and no one's rushing to do something, and it's private mother/son conversation? When you explain that you want a better relationship with him and that you love him, and always will, and you have no expectation or demand on him,that your love is just there when he needs it... What does he say?

Have you ever really, genuinely, listened?

Because strangers here aren't going to be able to give you solutions here.

You need to introspect, read, consider. Maybe get professional help if you think it would help.

Sounds really difficult. The outside signs are good that his school work is going well, and he enjoys seeing friends so no indicators of underlying problems.

What sort of things have you tried to build your relationship with him?

What his plans after finishing school? Could you use this to hook into? I'm wondering whether an honest conversation with him with one of you.. that you don't like living like this and you'd like it to be better. Give him the space to say What he needs to say.