5 yr old massive regression - HELP

[dhw]

My 5 yr old son who is confident and sociable and funny and lovely and bright is experiencing what I can only describe as regression. I'm sure it's very common etc, but I just need some tips on how to handle it sensitively and correctly.

16 months ago I had 2 still births. Even though he was young, my son sort of understood what had happened and knew we were all sad. And we talked about it.

Last year I moved him to a private school which i felt would offer him a great start to his education. It is great, but quite pressurized I think.

7 months ago DH and I started up our own business and have been pretty focused on it for many many months now and probably haven't given DS the time and attention he has needed.

Yes, i'm feeling guilty about all of it!

From being dry at night, he started bed wetting and its got increasingly worse - up to 3 times a night. We are all exhausted.

He was always very clingy as a toddler and hated nursery etc and being away from me. But he got over this phase and was confident and fab. Recently he says he doesn't like school, doesn't want to go there any more (don't know if it's that school, or just school per se) and cries from time to time when I drop him there in the mornings. Real, big scared tears.

He's having bad dreams which are waking him up scared in the night.

I caught him sucking his thumb tonight (he NEVER has sucked his thumb!)

And today out of the blue he said to me - "We all worked so hard for you to have another baby, and you let it die"

Totally floored me.

I am so concerned about how to handle all of this.

Any thoughts or ideas?

Thanks so much
DHW

anyone....??

Oh crikey DHW. Wish I could help. Couldn't not respond, so just bumping really.

I do think that a lot of children have wobbles when they start big school. Regardless of the school (even with learning through play in reception) just the hours and the unfamiliar environment makes them so tired. Mentally tired I think rather than just physically.

But what he said about you having worked for another baby.
That's just so sad and otherworldly. Do you think he's heard something? Or just picked up on tension?

Maybe something at school has upset bothered or worried him, Kids can get so worried about the slightest things that to adults seem very silly. Perhaps you could have a word with the teacher.

have just had a parents evening and she said he seemed fine.

He is a sparky little thing and does come out with some amazing stuff at times.
There's been no talk of the babies we lost for a long time now.

Oh dhw...I really feel for you...
Our dc do remember this stuff that we go through...my own ds's only mentioned the other night, the twin boys I was pregnant with who were prem. stillborn. It is a shock, but it's not a bad thing I think. We talk over it...and then they forget for a little while, Please don't feel guilty about that...
By no means am I any sort of expert but I think the clue about your sons state of mind might be from your comment about school. Have you talked to his teacher? Has she mentioned any issues? How is he getting on with his peers? I feel the "worked hard" comment is interesting. Maybe he feels he is working hard at the moment. The bad dreams may be related but then again maybe not, they quite frequently have night terrors at this sort of age and my 6 year old still has some.
Please try not to feel guilty,..I know it is soo hard, particulary for working mums, but just keep reminding yourself you are trying to do the best for him. We are not perfect and there will be times when changes need to be made but that is life..
I'm sorry this is not much help, but I just wanted you to know I sending LOL

oh Ingles - thank you for your lovely words. I'm sorry you had to go through stillbirth

Hmmm... really appreciate your thoughts. Will speak again with his teacher.

How awful for you, you must be feeling ghastly - and exhausted.

I think you're right in that you have been v busy setting up your business, and very likely haven't given him the amount of time he wanted (but don't beat yourself up about it - life is about challenges and we don't all get everything perfect every time). Are you able to give him a bit more time now? That will certainly help.

I also think you should talk to his teachers and find out what's going on at school (bullying? friends?).

Bedwetting can be a sign of simple upset so don't jump straight into thinking there's something medically wrong. You probably do 'pot' him at night, but if you don't, it's worth a try, though it's going back a few steps. Nothing wrong with that, though.

Good luck.

oh gosh I don't really know what to say either but poor you and your ds! Have you tried sitting him down and having a chat with him and asking if there is anything bothering him?
Do you have a good relationship with your health visitor? Maybe she could help? Sorry I can't be any help to you but I hope things get better soon.

That's ok I hope it helps...
Looking back over you post again your ds sounds like my ds2,,,very sparky with a fantastic imagination. I think these are probably the children who suffer most from night Terrors..it's that over active imagination! DS2 imagines things that DS1 can't even dream of..IYKWIM.
DS2 has a glowing teddy with music..something like that might help to comfort him and no drinks after Tea

Sorry..dinner!

i do lift him every night at 10.30 when I go to bed - but doesn't make any difference. Nor does cutting down his fluids.

This week we have (after discussion with him) reverted back to sleep/pyjama pants - basically big pull ups) because not only were we exhausted but so was he.

Maybe he just needs to catch up on his sleep again and not feel worried about the bed wetting which i guess can be a vicous circle...

he's fine at school. No one particular friend, but then he never has had. He gets on with all the kids apparently.

I'm making a consicous effort as of today to spend more time with him after school, doing fun stuff.

The other thing I forgot to mention is the incredible clingyness to me at the moment. Terrified to let me out of his sight.

Wont' be left at drop off parties at the moment and won't go round to friends houses for tea with out me.

Bloody annoying as well as worrying!

That sounds like a good idea,...I'm sure after whatever (probably tiny) thing is worrying him the bed wetting will resolve itself.
Speak to the school, talk to him, give him some time and I'm sure this will sort itself out. Is the school he's at very academic? Is he? Or is he more into drama, singing, dancing,art?

By the way is he in reception or year 1?

he's in year 1. And I think it's a bit of a shock for all of the kids - compared to Reception! It is quite an academic school - although very very good all round. He's struggling with his reading and writing and numbers. Hates it. But guess he'd be like that where ever he was.

Hi dhw
I haven't got much direct experience but just wanted to say my ds1 who's also gone into year 1 this year is really struggling with the transition from reception to year 1 - seems very tough for them. He's also got much more clingy - won't go upstairs on his own at the moment for example. He used to be very shy, got much more confident in reception but seems to be going backwards at the moment. He's also absolutely shattered each day and although he isn't bed wetting, that might be because your ds is just too tired to wake himself up when he needs to go?

We haven't had your awful experiences re: still births but even without this it could be that your ds would have found the transition at the moment tricky. Hope things settle down soon for you all.

I really think he's probably finding school hard work...but as you say that's completely normal in the transition from reception to yr1..he's only 5 after all. Talk to his teacher when you get a chance and see what you can find.
I'm going to bed now, but I'll check tomorrow, let me know if you have a good night...

Hi dhw, I remember talking to you after you'd had your babies (was Calebsmummy at the time I think)

Has your little boy just started school? I ask because I know that whe they have just started their heads are so full of 'stuff' it can overwhelm them. They can bedwet, wake up at night a lot, become anxious, overly bad tempered - the list could go on and on, but I think these things settle after a while.

DS2 is nearly 5 and has just started school and his particular reaction seems to be waking at night a lot. He has slept so well up until starting school (well from the age of 2, before that he woke every night ) and I have only today been chatting to another mum whose little one is doing the same and occasionally bedwetting.

I don't really know what to suggest other than lots of love (which I am sure you give) and maybe a chat about his feelings.

As for the stillborn babies, well I'm not sure. My first baby was stillborn and so only my 13 yr old knows about him (the others at 2 and 4 are too young to explain it to yet) Does he know why you lost them? It must be quite a hard thing to get his head around. I know my eldest son found it hard and he was 12 when I told him. I don't think he (your DS) would fully understand how much his comment hurt, and that perhaps it was more an off the cuff comment. Was he cross at the time?

Anyway I must stop waffling. Take care dhw, and I hope all is better with your little boy soon x

He seems to be under an immense amount of pressure for a five year old, actually.

You and your husband working all the time, a pressurised school environment in which he is struggling, a bereavement, the shame of bedwetting, the exhaustion of nightmares ..

If he was mine (and I know he's not, he's yours, and you will do what you think is best) I would have him out of that school and into a pleasant local primary so fast his feet would not touch the floor. You wouldn't go to a job that does that to you, and I certainly would not send a child still young enough to be wetting the bed into that sort of environment. He is 5, not 15. The best start to his education would be happy and relaxed, not miserable and pressured.. A bright child will thrive anywhere.

just my 2p.

Late fours/early fives tends (in my experience) to be the age when children start to grasp the idea of death - or try to grasp it, by thinking about it & often getting quite anxious.

Do you think that that particular issue might be at the root of all this - what he said , the clinginess, maybe even the bedwetting (he might be having nightmares)?

It might be worth having a word with one of the charities which help with children's understanding of bereavement - they might have ideas about how to talk to him so that you can find out whether being anxious about death is behind this?

Hi dhw...how are you feeling today? Any better?

but colditz the teacher says he's fine at school ... not miserable. If he seems happy at the school then surely moving him to another school in year 1 with kids who've known each other for over a year and he knows no one, would be even more stressful for him? I've heard lots of children really struggle with the move to year 1. My dd has just started reception and she's started waking at night ... last night from a nightmare ...

Not sure about the baby comment ... my dd is a bit fixated on heaven and dying in general at the moment which freaks us out a bit as dh isn't well ... but I think they just try to process things best they can. Might be worth talking to him about the babies again and explain that it wasn't anyone's fault. I lost a baby when dd was 2.5, and I explained it very simply to her at the time. When pg with DD2 she would lecture me about how we needed to look after the baby and she would always say "and you must never ever lose it". I never used those words with her but always wondered if she'd overheard other people talking about it with me and wanted to make sure I woudln't do the same thing again.

DHW, I so feel for you....so many things to have happened all at once, it is understandable that your boy is reacting like that.But it is nobody's fault really, inevitable isn't it?
To add my 2p worth,I am contemplating moving my Dd to a private school from a state school,but I am tentative due to one of the many worries being--what if that causes tension which will transfer to Dd, e.g the new strain on finances meaning a need to work more and less time for the kid, also extra weight on the mind due to the dilemma-should I give more time to my kid or should I get more money so that kid has a good education? Also the strain of academics and homework in a pvt school is a far cry from state school.
The above financial worries may not apply to you, but do the academic ones apply to your son?I am only raising qs for you to think about. But the other way of looking at it is that
The grief about the babies has touched him too, bless him, but it will pass.
Can you take him to work with you this half term? See how he gets on during half-term, that will tell you whether school pressure is actually causig the bed-wetting.
How about inviting a couple of his class-mates over for the whole day, if he gets to know one or two children well, he might feel more assured at school.
Can you speak to his teacher re. any adjustments they need to make to his reading/writing work so he does not feel very pressured? If they cannot, the school is probably an academic hot-house which is only interested in its successes and not bothered with kid's motional needs.
Just throwing up a few qs, because I am thinking of exactly these pobelms in anticipation of my Dd's proposed move to indepndent school. Let me know if you feel it is not really the school that is an issue, just something else.

Sorry about typos. kid's emotional needs I meant

You have been through an awful lot recently DHW and I really feel for you. I think your post summarises the problem. Saint Tanya Byron always says that children are barometers for the emotional atmosphere at home. I think you have had a tough time (understandably) and he is picking up on this (which perhaps shows that he isn't so much regressing as having a perfectly healthy reaction?). I think it sounds as though you would like to spend more time with him, and this would make you both happier. Will the business allow you to take some time out and have some laid back, 'slow' time with your son?