12 week old, overstimulation, what's normal?

[ChubbyScotsBurd]

I'm a total baby novice so forgive me if this is a daft question!

My wee lad is 12 weeks old and we spent the weekend with DP's family. LO tolerated this remarkably well I thought - he was passed between clucking relatives, squeaked at, poked, cooed over, bounced, jiggled and sung to repeatedly. DP and I were anxious about this because we can see within a few minutes of any sort of action that he's getting worked up - his legs start thrashing, he 'shouts' (which everyone takes to be enjoyment of course), his eyes go all wide and desperate, and he pants. So we simply whisk him away when we see the signs and put him down to sleep if possible, or calm him in the sling. If we don't do this he starts to cry inconsolably and it can take several hours of BFing and walking to calm him down.

The thing is, everyone thought we were being really uptight. We were advised that 'he has to get used to these situations', the inference being that he's been too sheltered. People were quietly grumbling that they didn't get to hold him much etc. Now I can tolerate all this - he's our baby, not theirs - but these people are more baby-experienced than I am and obviously expected him to be able to deal with much more activity than he can.

He isn't used to a particularly quiet ambience - through the day there's usually TV or radio, dogs barking, people visiting, we go out most days to the shops/baby massage/appointments etc. He's just never coped well with stimulation. Having said that everyone has always noted how alert and interested in his surroundings he is. He's been a whingey, windy, colicky, grumpy, wakeful sort though. 'Difficult', apparently, although I really feel that's a wild understatement!

An example is this morning - he woke at 7, bum change, chat with his dad for a few mins then he fed and went back to sleep at 8. He woke again at 8.45, sat on my knee at the PC for a bit, came downstairs and lay on his tummy on a mat, looked at a book then started getting jittery. So I fed him and he's been sleeping again since 10. He's had big sleep problems which are definitely improving, so I wonder if maybe he's just suffering from chronic tiredness and so can't cope with much before flaking out. But the family's reaction has made me wonder if his behaviour is normal ... or am I just being a paranoid first-timer?!

Some babies like being handed round - some don't. I had one of each. Dd was a party animal from day one -still is. Ds liked being home on a rug. Still does! And he's your baby, and you have an absolute right to decide how much you want him handles and by who. He doesn't have to get used to anything - he's only 12 weeks old! So go with your inctincts - they're fine.
One thing you said that I noticed - and tell me to shut up or ignore me - he's had big sleep problems" Do you mean he doesn't sleep, or he doesn't sleep at night? At this age they really are just little animals, so it would be very unusual if he was in any sort of routine.

I also have a 12 week old, dont take this the wrong way but i think you need to chill out. If people want to hold him then let them, it gives you a break for a few minutes. Most people who hold him will have also been through this before.

'Sleep problems' mean he really struggles to fall asleep - so napping has been an impossible dream, overtiredness has been a constant battle and I've spent countless hours just sitting online or on the sofa with a sleeping babe attached to my boob/over my shoulder, or walking endlessly pushing pram/wearing sling so he doesn't wake when I stop! Thankfully he's finding sleep more easily (thanks to age and cranial osteopath possibly, and definitely due to lots of lovely MNers advising me), but he does tend towards overtiredness and consequently howling for hours ... :sigh:

HotLove, if I DO 'chill out' and 'enjoy the break', within quarter of an hour I will have a baby who will scream until he's sick or fainting, over a period of 3-4 hours, and then eventually pass out with exhaustion. Makes it hard to really relax, you know?!

My first was like this, my second wasn't. I think if you are used to reasonably easy going babies its difficult to understand the problem. For example, ds1 was the only baby I knew who didn't just drop off in the car - he could scream for an entire 40 minute journey! I think a lot of people thought I was uptight too, because I spent a lot of my time creating the conditions he needed to be able to wind down and go to sleep, but in reality I was just responding to the needs of my baby. If he had been like ds2, capable of just dropping off anywhere, then I would have been able to just chill out!

So, try not to be too sensitive to what other people think - you are the expert on your baby. But also, they do grow out of these things (eventually!) so it is always worth keeping on trying to introduce more flexibility - you will find you can get away with a lot more as he gets older.

as i said dont take it the wrong way just offering some advice, i took all the help i could get.

Sorry HotLove, I didn't mean to be grumpy - your post is just totally reminiscent of what I've had all weekend and I only wish I could take the advice without suffering the repercussions!

CSB - you and DP know your baby better than DP's family, even though they may have more experience of babies in general. Therefore, go with your instincts. There's a lot of difference between having a noise background (which is familiar!) and being passed around lots of strangers who want to be in your DS face. Sorry, could put this more politely but need to go and rescue my 16 week old!

I think that you know your baby best, not relatives or friends however well meaning. They would certainly change their tune very quickly if they had to put up with the repercussions!

People do get very grumpy when they aren't allowed free access to babies and they will come up with any excuse. My family's favourite was that I would never be able to leave DS if I didn't start at 4 weeks Don't rely on their supposed greater experience and assume that they know better than you - they may not have had a baby like yours and also you forget very quickly just what it is like in the early months. I know I have and DS is only 13m.

My DS was very similar to yours and you just have to do what you can to geth through it. It does end! DS is now the happiest, most contented, least whingey baby of his age I know. I think giving them what they need in the early months and not trying to force them to be something they're not pays in the long run.

Stick to your guns and do what feels right for you and your DS.

It is tricky with relatives because you don't want to upset them

I always let them hold the baby until baby was SCREAMING and THEY handed her back

Sometimes she would put up with more than I would have thought

Babies are difficult at this age

ooh - this is a tricky one.
My DD got similarly overstimulated at that age. I think relatives forgot how tricky this age is - it's fairly easy to do so when you're not the one comforting an overtired baby for half the night.
We had a "curfew" of sorts. I agreed that DD could be chucked from clucking relative to clucking relative until 6pm, and would grin and bear it. This gave me licence to take her off at 6 for a very long, gentle 2 hour wind-down into bedtime, with bath, feed, and cuddling all being done away from the guests. I was pretty firm at saying 6 is bedtime, as i felt everyone had had sufficient baby time by that point.

At 2 1/2 months we took DS back home to Ireland for a visit to my parents.

What a nightmare. he was totally wired by the new surroundings and all these people who came to meet him. He screamed for hours and the only way he went to sleep was when DH took him into a dark room (it was 1am by this point!) and shut everything out.
it was just all too much for him.

Well, I'm really glad others have had similar problems. The way people were talking made me feel like he was abnormal if he couldn't handle all the fuss and noise and new surroundings and old aunties passing him round like a plate of biscuits! The thing is, the perception is that we're being selfish but to be honest it's not nice watching your poor little babe howling in panic because he's overwhelmed by things. So in future I will continue to be a stroppy overprotective cow and stuff them all.