Help any ideas or suggestions please difficulties with 2yo at nursery

[helenhismadwife]

this is a probably a bit long so apologies in advance. DD who is 2 has recently been given a place at a nursery its only one day a week. she knows the place and staff quite well because they also have a toddler group run by the same people in the same building.

They have a gradual introduction system and she was going on a Monday and Friday and being left for increasing amounts of time. Initially she was quite happy to be left, and we left her for an hour, but the last four times we have been unable to leave her she has become completely distraught and couldnt be left. The staff asked DH to take her today because it seemed to be me that she wanted, so he took her this morning but she was exactly the same. He would settle her down and tell her he was leaving, and she would get absolutely distraught and run to the door saying she wants to come home I am finding it all really distressing and dont know what to do. I havent had this sort of situation before.

I am tempted to stop her going altogether but we live in France and here children generally start school at 3.

Any suggestions or ideas would be appreciated

This is very normal separation anxiety. If the carers at the nursery are experienced they will be used to it and should be able to help you work through it. Have you spoken to them about it? My son was the same at the same age. Have you tried leaving? My son would grab hold of my leg and ask me not to leave but settle as soon as I was out of vision. The nannies said he would stop crying when I shut the door sometimes. I'm sure he just did it to make me feel guilty!!!

we did try leaving on friday we went outside the door and after 10 minutes they bought her out they couldnt settle her she was beside herself

thank you again MM for replying I will try speaking to the carers again not easy though my french is not brilliant especially when I am upset. Does anyone else have any other suggestions

From my very limited experience, the children who simply get left at nursery with no option of mum or dad staying seem to get upset for a very short amount of time and then get into the swing of things. The ones whose parents stay, have a much harder time. If its an option, I would try saying goodbye to her and then leaving. Ring after 15 minutes and see if she has calmed down. If not, you can always go and get her.

Dd sometimes cries for us to stay and we feel awful not staying but when we sneak a look in the window, 2 minutes later she is absolutely fine and will always tell you that she has enjoyed herself.

I think she would be fine as well GL if they took her sat with her and did something but they just stand and watch me getting more stressed and distressed at trying to leave her and dont do anything to help. DD1 went there and loved it she was happy to be left. DH is taking her to the toddler group there this afternoon so she can get used to going again not sure if this is a good idea or not but Im prepared to try anthing

Ooh I so disagree with a lot of this. Sure if you leave her in the end she'll get it and if it really is just five minutes of tears and then she's fine well go for it. But kids aren't always trying it on and equally they're not horses to be broken are they?!
My son sounds just like your DD. Started at nursery at 2.5 and was hysterical when we tried to leave him. Staff said it happens occasionally. Some kids are fine after a few minutes of parents leaving, others not. Personally I couldn't put him through it and was lucky enough not to have to. All I'd say is stick with it if the nursery will let you. Work with them, get to know them, find one of them to bond with her and stick there until that relationship's strong enough and your daughter's enjoying herself again. Then withdraw very gradually again.
My son's now completely fine and hugs me goodbye. No tears and he's happy and very proud of himself for being so independent. It was hard work, but I think it was right for him. Only you know your lo. Don't put them through it if your gut says it's real distress. After all she's still only two.

thank you for replying Smee. I dont think she is putting it on, she is genuinely upset, so am I which Im sure doesnt help. I think we will persist but stay with her until she is ready or maybe stop and try again in a few months as you say she is only two and we have had a few stresses recently which possibly have unsettled her.

she is very little. I wouldn't force her to go personally, if she doesn't settle soon. But depends if you have another option.

Sounds sensible to me. I think I started DS at the wrong time for him. The woman who runs his nursery told me that she thinks children don't play with one another (just alongside) until they're somewhere between 2 and 3. When exactly depends on the child. Watching my son I think she was right. He wsa just over whelmed and couldn't cope. Now he's totally into other kids and playing. Good luck!

I am very lucky in that its more for the social side rather than necessity that she goes so I do have the time to wait until she is ready, just wondered what those who are going back to work do, I dont envy them I have to say
thank you for your support everyone its much appreciated

Nursery staff don't sound v. helpful, TBH. Could be it's a language problem, I suppose, but what they should be doing is suggesting other strategies - them meeting her at the door so that she leaves you and not the other way around, and them immediately engaging her in some favourite activity with another child she knows from toddler group spring to mind.

FWIW, parents who have no choice generally (IME) have no choice from a much earlier age, and 2 is probably the worst age in a lot of ways - DS had been at nursery from 4mths and still had some "don't want you to go" phases at 2.

They are not very helpful I dont think which makes me even more reluctant to leave dd there.

I hadnt thought about people who have to leave their dc having no choice from an earlier age