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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Have I given DD 7months a "mother complex"??? (bit long sorry)

21 replies

GogoTheSmall · 15/10/2007 09:58

Please help, DH and my mum have told me I've given DD (7 months) a "mother complex"!

DD seems to be quite clingy. She loves meeting people, but only if she is in my arms - quite rarely does she allow anyone else to hold her apart from me and DH. She doesn't like it when other people get too close - she prefers a few feet of distance between her and other people (apart from me and dh).

This means I can't leave her with anyone else for any length of time! Also she is bf and I've never had any luck trying to get her to take a bottle. On the few occasions I've left her with someone she has screamed constantly until I return (even DH at times, although sometimes she's happy to stay with him alone).

My mum lives in Greece and I took DD out to see her last month for the first time since her birth. I did warn mum that DD tends to be clingy. Anyway, she was still disappointed that she couldn't hold DD and blamed me for making DD too dependent on me!

Then DH said to me the other day, "The thing is, she's got a mother complex, and you enjoy it" He did then say that he was joking but I'm not sure he was really! His mother, my MIL, is also breathing down my neck desperate to babysit, so I think maybe her voice was in his head as he said it.

I know I do have PFB syndrome but did I really do this to DD? She is a lovely child and is very fond of other people but it has to be on her terms (i.e. with me there!) I do try to get her out and about a lot to M&T classes etc.

Do I need to do more though? Maybe I should be leaving her with other people for short bursts to make her get used to it, even if it upsets her?

Will she grow out of it?

Advice needed! Thank you!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Seona1973 · 15/10/2007 10:08

your lo is going through a very normal phase of seperation/stranger anxiety and yes they do grow out of it (eventually!!)

separation and independence

separation anxiety

Bumperlicious · 15/10/2007 10:22

no advice gogo but just wanted to sympathise. no-one around you seems to be considering the affect this is having on you and the possibilty that you might actually want a break!

Original poster

GogoTheSmall · 15/10/2007 10:39

oh Bumper, I wouldn't mind! TBH this has been an issue since day 1 with the breastfeeding. Everyone seems to think I haven't tried hard enough to get her on the bottle (well I haven't tried starving her but I won't do that)

I'm so relieved to hear that this is a normal stage though. I will print off and show everyone!

thanks Seona

OP posts:

Joppe · 15/10/2007 10:47

Of course she will grow out of it when she is ready. In the meanwhile, you are doing a fantastic job! There is lots of research which suggests that it is good for babies to be well-attached to their primary caregiver. 'Clingy' is such an unnecessarily negative word. She is only 7 months! Enjoy it while it lasts.

JoyS · 15/10/2007 10:49

Perfectly normal. When DD goes through a clingy patch, I pander to it, use the sling, let the housework slide etc and she seems to come out of it pretty quickly.

Some babies need more time to warm up to new people than others. Tell everyone to back off and let DD come to them. She will when she's ready.

lemonaid · 15/10/2007 10:50

Perfectly normal at this age; she doesn't have any kind of "complex". You are doing the right things in getting her used to other people while recognising her need to have you there. Eventually she will be running off happily and you'll have a trembling lip wondering where your "clingy" little baby went...

milkymill · 15/10/2007 13:29

No, you are doing nothing wrong. My ds is very much like this at the moment (not pfb). He was also breastfed and didn't have a bottle, not related at all IMO.
This is a normal, healthy developmental stage all babies go through, some more some less, than others. I am 100% sure that your dd will go to others when she's good and ready. Enjoy this wonderful time of being needed while it lasts, she'll soon be an independent minded, busy toddler and you'll look back fondly at the days when you and Daddy were her entire world.

chipkid · 15/10/2007 13:35

my dd is wary of people that she doesn't see really regularly-she is now three. I thought I would never be able to leave her but she started pre-school this term and she was ready to leave me and has settled with no problems.
Sometimes people fail to see things from the child's perspective-you and dh are everything to her-why should she be bothered about people who are not hugely familiar to her-she doesn't understand that these people may feel rejected neither does she care. You are her all-and so you should be at this age.

You are clearly doing a brilliant job as she is so attached to you. she will become more willing to let you go-some children take a little longer than others.

Enjoy this time because it will pass!

Original poster

GogoTheSmall · 15/10/2007 17:53

thanks for the reassurance everyone. TBH my instinct is to tell people who she finds intimidating to back off a bit, and that's what I've been doing in a gentle way, but it's coming across to ILs, parents etc as being overly protective. I was starting to doubt myself and was wondering if I should force DD to interact more even if she's not happy with the situation. So I'm glad my instincts seem to be right in your views!

Seems you can't win as a mum can you? Whatever approach you take there'll always be someone judging negatively!

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 15/10/2007 18:48

exactly gogo, a mother's place is in the wrong, so we find out!

I'm glad you've been reassured. It REALLY annoys me when people make mothers feel bad about this; as others have said, it's totally natural and healthy for your dd to want you, and it's a good sign of how well bonded she is with you.

Don't let people undermine you, don't make yourself leave her to 'get her used to it'; when she is ready, she will be left fine.

As i've discovered since I had ds five years ago, with kids it's ALL about readiness.

juuule · 15/10/2007 19:01

Normal - and not just for first-borns. She will grow out of it. As long as you and her are happy with it just carry on with what you are doing and she will gain in confidence. Until then everyone else will have to lump it and wait

juuule · 15/10/2007 19:04

Oh and I've never heard of 'mother complex'. Is this a recognised term or a made up one which is just something else to beat mothers round the head with.

helenhismadwife · 15/10/2007 19:20

Mother complex your dd is as others have said going through a normal development stage, she will grow out of it all to soon and become independent. Enjoy having her to yourselves while you can it doesnt last long enough

tibsy · 15/10/2007 19:38

perfectly normal i'd say. my dd is 14mths now and still prefers to be with me if she's got the chance, even if dp is the other option.
the two of you are just busy building a lovely relationship. dont worry that other's noses are put out of joint because your darling girl wants to be with her mama.
and dont think that she'll never leave your side, dd is now happy to spend time alone with her dada and grandparents

spookthief · 15/10/2007 19:43

gsMy friend has 2 dds.

Dd1 was happy to go to anyone, fine being passed around like a parcel, chatted up old ladies when they were out, easy to get babysitters etc.

Dd2 screamed blue murder when anyone but my friend held her from day 1 until she was moving independently and could decide herself who to go to. She was ok with her dad but was mainly her mummy's girl

Both were brought up in exactly the same way as far as that is possible, so it was down to personality not some pfb syndrome, or bf (both girls were ff).

It's not anything you've done. I'm sorry your relatives are thoughtless enough to try to lay this on you.

geekymummy · 17/10/2007 22:43

honoria - spot on. I'm fed up with people saying that my DD (also 7mo, firstborn) is "clungy" and "spoiled". Thank goodness for this thread, I was starting to doubt myself a bit

morocco · 17/10/2007 22:50

dd is my third so i must have ptb! dd1 is the same age and the same. my other 2 were the same and are now amazingly confident little boys who love staying over with the nana and granny so don't worry. it's just an age thing. keep meeting up with people, going out, socialising and she'll relax as she gets older
this is the great thing about mn, finding out 'the truth' rather than old wives tales

sarahsails · 18/10/2007 10:29

awhh She's only 7 months. It's normal to have a mother complex. The world is a big scary place and she is just beginning to learn about it. Thank goodness he can do it from the safety of your arms.

I have 2 and both grew out of it by the way

sarahsails · 18/10/2007 10:36

well ds1 did and he's 4. ds2 only 5 months, but know he will (have baby brain!!)

ib · 18/10/2007 10:48

When ds was that age he would bawl if anyone came close (gps included!)

We limited the initial contact for a little (ie. gps would come in, wave from a distance, go away for a few minutes, come back, wave from a little closer, etc). We let him set the pace and gradually increased the time he was held by them (initially I would hold his hand while his gm held him). He is now 10 mths and will happily stay with them.

I don't think the issue needs forcing, she'll grow fast enough!

jellybelly25 · 18/10/2007 13:26

my 5mo dd is also like this, shes second born, her big sis went to anyone, but dd2 likes to smile and coo at new people, until I hand her over and she yells at them. i just say 'dont take it personally she is a bit nervous with new people' and take her back. i also avoid people who are pushy about it. with gentle perseverance she is now used to my mom, and one other family member. slowly does it!

ive seen doidy cups mentioned on here before, dunno what they are but apparently an alternative to offering a bottle?

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