What do you suggest please?

[studychick81]

Our ds 7 can be a bit trying at bedtime. DH puts him to bed and he is much worse for him than me. I get him to bed in about 15 mins but do need to be pretty no nonsense. He won't come off his iPad/tv to go upstairs, then delays bedtime, messes around, generally doesn't listen to DH and DH gives up or ends up shouting at him. Every bedtime DH shouts to me to sort it out. It doesn't take much for DH to loose him temper and he doesn't follow through his threats and the kids know this.

ds is very strong willed, we have tried rewards for bedtime in the past which is up and down. Especially if he's just had a reward. Unfortunately we have gone to parenting quite heavily with consequences but even then he doesn't really care that much, loosing the iPad because he doesn't go to bed nicely doesn't bother him that much. He's not that motivated by praise or rewards.

DH has always made bedtime really fun, lots of games, playing with ds, allowing him to draw it out, getting him wound up and then expecting him to just calm down and go to bed when he's told. Over the years I told him if he carried on we would end up in this situation and surprise surprise we have. Now DH shouts me to sort of out and I become the bad guy issuing consequences. DH has said I am to put him to bed for the next few weeks as his consequence for another bad bedtime. But I don't want to, I don't want to be the punishment and don't want to be the bad guy while meanwhile DH is fun daddy.

DH says he can't cope with them and his stressful job and gets upset that they don't do what he says but I warned him this would happen years ago as he never follows through, doesn't do positives and issues ridiculous threats.

I have done the whole positive language thing and told him the behaviour I want to see etc but in the heat of the moment he doesn't respond. He's extremely strong willed. We have had a difficult relationship in the past I finally feel more connected to him, I don't want to be the bad guy all the time.

Oh dear, it sounds like you’re all having a rough time of it at the moment! I’m sorry to hear that this is happening.

First of all, I think you and your husband need to smooth things over between the pair of you. It isn’t his fault that this has happened - you are both the parents and you have ‘allowed’ him to go along with these bedtime antics too! Things like this happen (to all of us!) but fighting with each other won’t help, it will only encourage your son to divide and conquer. Plus it’s upsettjng for you both!

In regards to the technology - I honestly don’t understand what you mean when you say he won’t get off it. You are the parent. Remove it from him. You can get apps etc that monitor use, shut down, etc after a certain time. If you don’t feel that you can control his use, then I suggest one of these.

You say he’s not bothered about punishments like losing the iPad. Probably because, from what you say, they don’t always happen.

So I would remove the iPad altogether until bedtime improves, not as a one off punishment because he knows it won’t last. He’s 7 - does he really need an iPad?

What’s his bed time routine like? I know that kids can be challenging but no kid wants to be yelled at/have Mummy and Daddy arguing in front of them right before bed. No wonder he can’t settle! Can you settle down immediately after an argument?

It Is clear that bedtime is not your husband’s parenting strength from what you say. This might not change. If that’s the case, could you do bedtime to save all this upset? If it only takes you 15 minutes, I don’t really see why it’s a problem. And then you can ask him to support you in a way he is good at - my DH tidies up downstairs and starts dinner while I get DS off to sleep, for example.

It’s horrible being made out to be the bad guy, I really do feel fornyou with that because it is just so, so unfair! And you’re totally stuck because you can’t then turn around and let them get away with anything (even if you normally would) because you’ve been cast in this role of executioner! Could you speak to hubby about the position he is putting you in when he does this?

On the plus side DS clearly respects your authority!

It must be frustrating when DH frequently gives up but it does sound like he just isn't very good at dealing with it and possibly finds it more stressful than you do.

Maybe try breaking it down into component parts and tackling each separately? For example with us if DS makes a fuss about coming off the iPad then the next day he's not allowed it at that time of day. (He's also permanently banned from having iPad immediately before school - this used to be a treat he could earn - as he was awful about coming off.)

Could you structure it so that at a certain time you come in and take over and at that point he has say 10 minutes to finish bedtime or get consequences? That way you're not the bad guy, just the person who finishes bedtime?

Thanks for the suggestions.

Things seem to have escalated, DS continues to be really hard at bedtime. He's rude, talking sarcastically, refusing to stop making silly noises, refusing to read more than a couple of pages. I had a frank talk with him tonight, he said he doesn't care about any consequences. He was happy to get stars on his chart towards rewards earlier in the day, get money on the pocket money app but doesn't care if he looses it again pretty much straight away. He says he can get it back when he wants, same with withdrawal of iPad. He is basically saying he is choosing when he behaves or doesn't, nothing we do makes a difference.

What do we do With that?

I like the idea of the iPad, it's taken away until he does a good bedtime. He says he doesn't care when it's taken away as he gets it back.

Unfortunately my dd5 has also learnt this from him too. She is being physical at school with other children. Everyday the teacher tells me something she has done. When talking to her she lies even though the teacher has directly told me she has done it, she doesn't care, shrugs at consequences, not bothered by star charts.

I feel like I have lost control

Sounds grim.

I think you need to up the anti on consequences. Change it so he can't get it back when he wants.

I get this sometimes with DS (5). The 'I don't care about these consequences' thing. I normally say ok, I'm going to keep taking stuff away till you do care. And then outline a sequence of escalating consequences there can be if he doesn't fall in line. Normally works but he is only 5 so I probably have more levers.

In addition you could try discussing it with him - try to find out why he's so determined to act out and see if there's anything reasonable that could be changed to make things better for him.

Yes, we have had a lot of discussions with him. He used to get very angry and I don't think we dealt with it well but he are much better at letting him calm down now. I understand him better now most of the time but he is a complex character.

I tried to talk to him tonight about it. He said it's funny winding daddy up, he just said he's acting up because he wants to and he can her back anything we take away anyway.

I have done the increasing consequences with both of them, it didn't work long term. I think they became immune to it, it became an endless day of consequences. I don't want to have to be like that with my children all the time. Having to count down, threaten, give consequences and take things away. It's exhausting to keep trying to find something they care about by taking it to the next level.

I have talked to dd repeatedly about her rudeness at home and her behaviour at school. We have read books. She knows exactly what to do when she's feeling angry or somebody does something she doesn't like but in the heat of the moment this isn't followed through. She seems remorseful, says sorry, she knows what she needs to do but then just does the same thing again. She has had numerous things taken away, numerous treats/stars/marbles/praise/treats for good behaviour. She's take it or leave it. They both are.

I hear you. It's exhausting when it doesn't work (and even when it does).

How about you and DH refuse to do bedtime? Shut him in his room and tell him he can put himself to bed if he doesn't want help?

(This does actually work for us, slightly to my surprise).

It reminds me of this book, have you read it? It has more god references than I would normally go for but I found it interesting

www.amazon.com/Cant-Make-Persuaded-Revised-Updated/dp/1578565650