Such a bad mother - at wits end.

[Slowlybeingdrivenmad]

When my DS is good, he is very very good and when he is bad, he is horrid - well, horrid is too nice a word really. My DS is 4 and my DD is 18months. My DS just seems to 'turn' and takes something away from my DS or pushes her or screams in her face. He goes through stages of totally not listening to me, then he eventually listens and then tells me he's not going to do as I say and he will do the opposite, he pulls faces, blows raspberries - I just don't know what to do. Well, I usually completely lose control as I can't deal with his bare faced cheek, rudeness and arrogance and I end up screaming at him and smacking him and sending him to his room. He doesn't go to his room easily, I usually have to take him there, kicking and screaming and then he doesn't stop screaming until I go back to him. Tonight it was one thing after another and my DD was sitting nicely waiting for her bath and my DS pushed her out of the way, almost squashed her and then hit her in the face (my DD has just had an operation so I am even more protective than usual). I couldn't help myself, didn't even think about what I was doing, it was such a quick reaction that I slapped him across the face. I feel awful. I just don't know how to keep calm as I know that must be the answer as my screaming and shouting and 'losing control' is not helping his behaviour. I feel so awful. Just want my gorgeous little boy to be nice and to listen and to not be mean.

Oh, i'm sure alot of people will understand the wits end thing.

Sounds like your ds a bit jealous and he is reacting to you giving your dd more attention at this time. He wants to be noticed too and any attention is good for him.

You feel bad about the slap though dont you? Well you know it's not the best way otherwise you wouldn't have posted and I won't make you feel any worse than you do.

You sound like you need more control and maybe letting him get away with things as you have been more focused on your dd?

Pop him on the naughty step?

You poor thing - let yourself off about the slap, I agree it's not a good idea but he is really testing you and you have a lot to cope with. He wants attention and that is understandable - and sometimes children get into a cycle where they will push you and push you until you scream and slap, if they can't get it any other way.

It might be very hard work, but he may respond well to more attention. Can you get your DH (or mum or whoever else) to take DD while you spend a day or afternoon just for you and DS, taking him out the the cinema or whatever he enjoys, and talking to him and reassuring him he's still your no. 1 boy? If this helps, you can then talk to him at a good time (eg when DD is asleep and he's behaving well) about how you want him to be a big boy and help you with DD and behave well, and in return you will make special time for him. I would also apologise to him for slapping him and say you know it was not nice and you are sorry. At 4 he will be able to understand all this and he probably wants things to calm down as much as you do - but he's got into a cycle of seeking attention that way.

I agree with snowleopard...especially as I've been in a similar situation with my two (baby and nearly 3yo) and have just substituted shouting / losing my rag for telling the older one that I love her very much, I know she's a good girl, and what's making her want to be naughty? It's v v hard when they've just destroyed something of yours (e.g. deep scratches all over our computer monitor) - but has had v quick results so far...she really was just looking for attention, and hard as it was for me to believe even screaming that she was making me miserable was good attention as far as she was concerned!

Hey. Ive been in that position too and it is so hard when you have them constantly demanding your attention. I have macked my three older children before now and you do feel so guilty afterwards. Dont beat yourself up about it he knows that you do love him very much and he will respond better to hugs and kisses. A nieghbour told me a really good way of getting them to listen and that was to whisper to them, sounds daft but it works xxxxxx

I agree with the other posters that it is an attention thing.

One thing I found helped with my DD when DS was born was that I spent as much time possible with DD as I could, and if DS needed me, seperately (they played together fine if I played with them) then I would roll my eyes at DD, and say something like 'here we go again, crikey I cant wait til DS is as big as you etc'

I'd then tickle her tummy give her a kiss and go deal with DS telling her I'd be right back.

When she saw DS as a pain in the bum for me as well as her she seemed to take it better.

So my advice is
reassurance (it is okay for your DS to be fed up with DD)
Humour (kids are soo easy to make laugh!)
and as much attention as possible, if you have to do the washing or w/e take DS with you to 'help' seeing that he can do things with mummy that DD cant, can be good for him (attention does not always have to be undivided playing with both of them is as good as just playing with ds)

I also wanted to say , smacking your childnre is far from ideal, but I thinkmany parents understand how it happens, I have done it myself. Try not to beat yourself up about what has already been done, and just keep yourself from conituing as much as possible.
Good Luck

Thank you all so much. Life is calmer now... Thanks for all the fab advise. x