I have a 9 year old DD. I left her dad when she was 3 as he was mentally abusive to both of us. A few egs- he is an alcoholic , withheld family funds to spend on his friends and drinking, never helped me try to raise DD mentally or financially, disappeared for days on end, when he returned cried suicide if I tried to leave, completely absent for all emotional or physical support for either of us, wouldn’t ‘mind’ his daughter for me to work or study- said his days off work where his time to drink with friends. Was in a very well high paying job yet me and my daughter lived in hand me downs while he bought the best for himself, no curtains or anything in our house, cheating, lying , Stole my car when drunk and been arrested for said offence 3 times, each time I helped police and refused to cover for him and he had jail time (he always stole the car at early hours of the morning when me and DD were sound asleep- for him to head to pick up friends and illegally get more alcohol ) whenever he did mind DD for me I came home til him totally wasted and non- Functional And DD at 3 left alone crying for I dunno how long. I left everything- walked out of the house with nothing Only me and my daughter. He then tired to take me to court for access which I had social services and community addictions involved to protect my child. With the help of his family also telling Solictors and ss my dd was not safe in his care his battle for access was very long. After losing his job/ house and ending up homeless for a period of time he entered rehab and AA and a lot of other loops for the addictions team and finally In 2018 he got access to DD for 1 over night a week supervised with his parents. From then he has had her maybe 30 weeks total due to him letting her down. He has never paid an ounce of money. He has never been on her birth cert nor does she have his name. She has mine.
In the meantime I have went back to uni and obtained my masters, I am in my career, have my own home etc and I have the most loving partner that my daughter loves also and they have a really great bond. We are getting married next year and have a baby on the way that will be here after the wedding. Now my daughter has asked us both in the past can she change her name with me and take my partners name. She’s always been told it’s her choice and of course if that’s what she wants.
Now my daughter loves her dad- when she does see him now he is Disney dad- sweets galore, no telling off, no homework etc and I didn’t want her growing up not knowing him as I know she does love him and he does love her, he just has an illness that’s means he can’t look after her. But as a children my daughter didn’t understand the difference until start of this year. She has refused to see or speak to him since jan. says he is a liar and she would just rather be home with me and her own bedroom. She’s 9, I can’t stop her.
But all of sudden this week he has made contact again through her Xbox and bought her online money to spend on her games and now she’s asking can she go see him at weekend, which is fine but now all of sudden out of the blue she broke down last night crying saying I’m forcing her to change her name and she doesn’t want to change it but she wants same name as her sibling who will be named my married name by the time it’s born but doesn’t want the married name herself. I couldn’t console her and tried explaining she can keep her name etc and I’m not forcing her but she kept shouting you have been etc... there had been no mention of this topic in the past few weeks for this to stem from.. so I’m concerned it’s her dad. Manlipulaing her again, making her feel bad she’s taking another name and not his. It’s the type of thing he use to do. I’ve question her has her dad said anything and she’s denied but I just know something has been said..
Ok so sorry for the rant but I dunno how to address this? How do I explain why new baby has to have me and my husband name?
How can I express that I would like her to have my name also but it’s her choice?
How do I investigate this go see how her dad has been saying?
Her dad is very closed minded and I also can’t help but feel there is some religious bitterness also behind this if it is her dad influencing her upset feelings. (Her dad and me where a mixed religion couple , well he had no religion and this was never an issue and we both agreed to baptise her to my my religion so she could attend school with her nieces and nephews who she is very close too but she has always attended celebrations of religion on both sides as she’s continued to see her family from her dads side even when he was absent. And his family have always attended our celebrations . But my husband to be is the same religion as me and his second name happened to be a very Irish name- so I’m concerned this has annoyed my daughters dad and caused him to sway our dd from it to suit himself) sorry for the massive rant. Just need some direction and advice on how to best address this and reassurance my daughter on her own thoughts and feelings