I don't want to parent my daughter any more

[123JustKeepBreathing]

she is 12- refuses to go to school. She won't tell any one why and so I have school and CAMHS breathing down my neck saying she "Just has to go" ahaha if only it were that simple! She is bigger than me and I can not make her. She wont get dressed and physically attacks me if I get near her.
Today she was supposed to go into school today for 1 lesson. This has resulted in me being physically and verbally assaulted. She kicked me square in the arm without any warning and has really hurt me.
I am so sick and tired of the existence in which I am supposed to deal with day in day out. No one helps. I have been on every parenting course suggested. I have paid private therapists. She is ruining my life and my sons. I am beginning to hate her. I am sick of giving her my everything. Making sure her room is nice so she has a safe quite space when she needs it- cost me a fortune and she just trashes it. She speaks to me like shit. Despite the way she treats me I try my best not to take it personally. I make sure we spend time together doing nice things and that she gets my attention as much as possible. She still treats me like garbage. She treats our home like shit. She won't do anything unless it benefits her in some way and I don't want to be her mum any more. This has been going on for years and years with no let up. No rest bite. No support. I just get told its my fault. I am working from home at the moment, I don't get a break from her at all. I long to be able to go and work from a cafe for an hour or 2 but instead I am held hostage in my own f**king home because she can't be left alone. (I realise I am going on and on about me me me but this is killing me and I need somewhere to vent)

I genuinely wish I could leave her somewhere and let someone else deal with it. My mental health is in absolute tatters and its only because of my son that I haven't topped myself. I am not sure what anyone on here can do but I hate my life because of what she is doing.

Hi, I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. Have you thought about perhaps reaching out to social Work? They might be able to offer more support for both you and your daughter? You sound like you need as much as you can get.

I do believe that all behaviour is communication. There is something quite disturbing about your girl's behaviour and it would be good to get to the bottom of it. At the same time however, there is no judgement here. It sounds exhausting to deal with and nobody else has walked in your shoes.

Please try and find support in other avenues if the current ones are not helping though. ❤️

I phoned social services once and said I didn't want to do it any more and that they needed to take her away and they laughed at me. I have called lots of people. GP doesn't want to know. School do very little to help. CAMHS have put next to nothing in place which has helped. We have had a couple of conversations and that all and they seem to think she is fixed. Its like groundhog day

What would happen if you do leave her alone?
Is there any trauma that has started this?
Howl ong has this gone on for?
How does she feal about home education?
What does she want?

CAMHS were worried about self harm so told me not to leave her alone. She also freaks out about being in the house or even upstairs on her own.
I think her dad walking out when she was 2 fucked her up massively then the loss of a grandparent about 5 years ago was a catalyst for a lot of stuff coming out. I tried to get her help when it all happened but there is very little available.
She doesn't want to do home education. I don't either- lock down was hell on earth when I was trying to teach her and she has already said I am her mum not her teacher.

She doesn't know what she wants. She won't say what is wrong. It is really hard to get anything out of her.

If you’re feeling this level of contempt for her then believe me she KNOWS it and that will be half the problem. It’s probably a chicken and egg scenario but either way it’s doing neither of you any good and you’re the adult here. You need to try and reconnect with your daughter somehow. CAMHS can’t really help you do that. Only YOU can. I know you’re finding this tough but you’re her mother. It’s nobody’s job to connect with her but your own. If you spend the next few years trying to get various services to parent your daughter then you will fail and your daughter will resent you. Services and CAMHS are very limited with what they can do about what is fundamentally a deeply unhappy child by the sounds of it. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s the truth sorry xx

It does sound harsh @Jannt86 and not particularly helpful.

I am stuck in a house 24/7 with a child who thinks it is ok to lash out at me, hit me, smash up my belongings. I am trying to work whilst keeping her amused. trying to keep a roof over our heads. She doesn't want to do school work. If she had her way she would be on her phone or watching youtube 24/7- she isn't allowed any of this in the day time whilst she is supposed to be at school so I am forced to juggle horrible behaviour between zoom calls and meetings.
If I were stuck in a relationship with a man doing this to me I would get help but because she is my child its perfectly acceptable and I just have to suck it up.
Her dad walked out and caused all of this. I didn't ask him to fuck off and I have always tried to facilitate a relationship- he isn't interested.

Contrary to what you are saying I am and have been trying to build on my relationship with my daughter FOR YEARS......its extremely hard to do that when no matter what you do she lashes out. We can do things together and have a lovely time and then an hour later she is back to being awful again.
I came here to vent because I am trying my best for her and to fix this and nothing seems to be working. I am tired and frustrated. I thought this would be a safe place to voice my horrible inner feelings and perhaps get some compassion and kindness- clearly I was wrong.

I think you should phone social services again. Not to ask for her to be taken away but to stress how you are feeling and that you are not coping and need support. It's what they are there for.

I'm not sure if there is anything similar. Maybe ask if there is some sort of outreach support you can enquire about, someone who will come to your home and see what you go through and how they can best support.

I think it is easy for other people to judge but you sound like a woman on the edge and therefore I feel you need more help from an outside source.

I have just left a VM for someone there so hopefully they will get back to me.

She has been given a mentor with a local charity who have helped other kids at her school with similar issues so I am hoping this will help her and just give me a break! She doesn't engage properly with any of the help offered so then they say she is non compliant but the consequences fall on me when she won't engage. I can't force her- half the time I'm not even in the sessions to tell her she needs to talk to them and when she has engaged in the past they say there is nothing wrong and try to stop the input. I am at a loss of what to do.

I have an evening out tonight with my best friend for some nice food and a drink so at least I can blow off some steam there. She has also offered to have DD so I can have a weekend to myself so I think that will do us both good.
Sorry if I sound angry but this has been going on for so long. I have been to parenting classes, read books, joined FB groups and forums, paid for people to help us, worked on my own mental strength etc- Nothing seems to work and sometimes it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, no end in sight. I just want her to go to school and for things to have some sense of normality.

I’m not judging I’m prioritising the poor child who’s stuck in all this. She is hurting as well it’s obvious just from what’s being said. When your partner walked out she lost her daddy too. I wonder if that’s where a lot of the issue lies? I’m not saying it’s easy and I’m not saying you’re not suffering but your daughter is suffering too and she’s a child who needs to know she can depend on you and will always have you however much she lashes out is all I’m saying

This sounds hellish op . It sounds really hard on your own when you are the sole earner too.

You could try Young Minds : youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-school-anxiety-and-refusal/

Did CAHMS initiate any assessments? Does your DD have any special needs such as PDA or ASD? Or cou!d she be depressed? Has she been through puberty? Depression in teens can manifest itself with anger.

I would go back to your GP and ask what resources are in your area other than CAHMS? Tell them you are being physically attacked. Or a licensed psychologist who specialises in child and parenting issues. If nothing else, you could try and get some counselling or support for yourself.

Don't give up on her. The "hanging on to the end of the rope" threads on the teenagers board here may be helpful.

More links coming up.

Have a read of this op: www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/child-parent-violence

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/dec/09/what-happens-when-your-child-becomes-violent-with-you

www.schoolrefusal.co.uk/

www.ipsea.org.uk/school-refusal

Is there anypupil referal untis near you? Would they be a good option? You say this has been going on for years, what other family support have you got.

This sounds exactly like my nephew he also hates noises and gets extremely agitated won’t go out anywhere not even school cahms brushed him off as he wouldn’t speak to them but he doesn’t speak to anyone on the phone, he hides in room, then goes through a stage of hyper, hitting, you name it, slight noises send him mad then he starts lashing out, he has signs of some sort of autism spectrum but cahms will not assess unless he gives consent he’s only 13 surely it’s down to the parents to give consent

I have no advice really just wanted to say this sounds like a nightmare and I feel bad for you.

It partly depends if there is an underlying condition of some kind I guess.

Could there be a specific issue with school? It would be easy to lose it in the general behavior but if she were being abused or something...?

Can you be honest (perhaps not totally!) with her about how she is making you feel? Sometimes remembering the authority figure is a person with feelings too can make a difference.

I hope things improve.

@123JustKeepBreathing I really feel for you and have been in a very similar situation with my daughter. I knew something wasn’t right with her from when she was a toddler and was always talking to the health visitor. Things went really wrong when she reached the end of year 1 and was 6 years old. She started misbehaving at school and got excluded. To cut a long story short, she then became a school refuser. She went back in year 4 until year 6 but when she started secondary school, it really went wrong. We tried 3 different schools, got threatened with prosecution because of her poor attendance and ended up trying to home school her which didn’t work because of her poor attention span. We finally got a place at the pupil referral unit but that didn’t work either.
As a result, she has no qualifications but she is such a bright girl, she just struggles to concentrate.
We went through the CAMHS system for years and didn’t find it particularly helpful. We were sent on numerous parenting courses as it was seen to be our parenting that was causing this, even though we have a younger child that is absolutely fine. My daughter would not engage in any therapy so we were at our whits end.
Not only did she refuse school but she was violent and aggressive to us and me in particular. She used to trash the house and we have had to call the police on numerous occasions (don’t be afraid to do this!)
I completely understand how desperate you feel. The amount of times that I felt like I just couldn’t cope anymore and that she would need to go into care, I can’t tell you.
Her behaviour was having an affect on our younger child who developed OCD as a result as he was trying to gain some control over the situation and this used to break my heart.
Try not to beat yourself up about her not going to school, at the end of the day you can’t do the impossible and if she’s not going to go, she’s not going to go and you’re fighting a losing battle which is going to affect your health.
I don’t know if you’re on any medication for your Mental health but if you’re not, I suggest a trip to the GP to get something to help you cope. I’ve been on medication for years and couldn’t have managed without it.
What really helped us was an organisation called Family Solutions, they come and work with the whole family as well as the young person.
We had suspected for a long time that our daughter had autism but it seemed that nobody would listen and they just kept blaming parenting skills. Family solutions helped us get a diagnosis. Our daughter was 15 by this time and had been in the CAMHS system since aged 6!!
Now she’s older, she has calmed down a lot and we can see where we were going wrong in dealing with her. Her behaviour just used to antagonise us and we would start shouting and it would all get out of hand but we now realise that her Behaviour was how she expressed her anxiety as she couldn’t put into words how she was feeling, so if you can, try asking her if anything is wrong and seeing if you can help her to work through it. Having said this, there were times when our daughter kicked off because she wanted to control the situation but with hindsight, I can now see that there must have been a reason for this. I could go on and on but there is light at the end of the tunnel even though it doesn’t seem like it now x

I can’t really answer your questions but I do know what it feels like to be at the end of your tether.
My dd is 9 1/2 and recently her behaviour has really deteriorated and she has started lashing out and attacking me, something she’s never done before. It’s come as a massive shock.
My dd has a diagnosis of ASD and it’s the anxiety and her OCD, which is really taking its toll on her now, in fact we are now looking into medicating her.
We try so bloody hard with her and it just feels like a massive kick in the teeth. I flit between wanting to walk away and then having a massive guilt trip because she can’t help it. Sad

@Cluniperyou might want to try an @ to try and get the OP’s attention.

Do you want to tell us a bit more about what you’re going through too?