I left playgroup in tears..................

[Olipop]

I know all kids can be pushy and spiteful but my 20 month DS REALLY topped the 'child you don't want anywhere near yours' at playgroup today. I lost count of the number of kids he took a swipe at..
I made sure I was close enough to intervene if necessary but didn't make it on a few occassions. It was getting beyond a joke and I left but ended up sobbing all the way back to the car (DS couldn't see me and I kept quiet). I feel like never taking him out where there might be other children (he's been like this for ages now) but I know that is not the answer.
Any ideas?
I feel like naughty step etc is a bit too advanced but I might be wrong.

NO to the naughty step. In my view, not ever, but certainly not at 20 months.

Well, you poor girl. What to suggest, and where to begin?

Is he a big lad for his age?

This will pass. All children go through the spawn of Satan phase. Honestly.

But you need some practical help in developing strategies to cope - what do you do when he hits someone - do you react? Give him a time out.

Where has he learned to hit? I know kids go through that phase but is it being reinforced at home?

I found the 'how to talk while kids will listen and listen so kids will talk book' helpful even though my DD is not yet at the stage where she can talk to me. Might be worth a look.

children are loopy today its the new moon. lots of children were playing up today, yours wasn't the only one

I've used the naughty step/time out on dd since she was 20-24 months and i have found it works realy well, i think it depends on the child.

dd has never touched anothe child other than dd2 but she can get very protective and bossy, i often have to time her out and make her say sorry.

Just keep telling him it's wrong, focus on the child who's been hit/pushed, ALL children go through this sort of thing. Don't stop taking him out, he'll learn by socialising (I know they don't really socialise as such at this age but..) and interacting with others.

My sympathies, DS1 was "The boy everyone else took a swipe at who never retaliated", then came Ds2 (now 19mths), he thinks nothing of pushing and hitting (hit me in the face when I was dropping off DS1 at preschool the other day, in front of all the other Mom's )and can be a terror, quite a shock after DS1!

I try "time out"...he sees his brother going on the naughty step (DS1 is 3.6yrs) and he knows it is for being "naughty", so I just put him out in the hall, tell him why and shut the door. I count to 5 (may soon go to 10!) and then open the door, so far this is working, I know it won't for long!

First of all, don't worry. All kids occasionally do something aggressive to their peers - at this age they are unable to empathise with others. Mine took a chunk out of another child at nursery at about 18mths - and he has once been someone else's snack.

Am reading "Your child, your way" at the moment, and the author suggests that whilst she gives 2 warnings for other types of unacceptable behaviour (e.g. damaging property), any behaviour which aggresses another person should be dealt with without a warning as it is not something that should be tolerated. However, the 'negative reinforcement' (as opposed to "punishment" as such) is a 'time out'. I'd recommend reading the book if you can get it.

Can't stop now, got to go and slaver over Jonathon Rhys Meyers as Henry VIII, but don't lose sleep over today

Thanks ladies.....he is big for his age..and has two days a week at nursery (although they swear blind that he is no worse than any of the other kids). I ask him to look at me and then I say ' you mustn't hit, look you have made that boy/girl really sad, you must be gentle' and then stroke the hair or arm of the sobbing victim...then ds either ignores the situation or wants a 'cuggle mummeee'.

I think at 20 months, all you can do is grab him and remove him from the situation with a firm No

He won't remember, not yet. But eventually, with enough repeating, it will sink in.

At this age, kids really can't think about other people, put themselves in another persons shoes or anything. They act out their feelings but they aren't doing it to the other person, iyswim.

Of course it's horrible for you, but this is the training age. You are guiding him through this stage as he learns the rules of social interaction.

Most important of all, remember this..

You have in your care, a person whose age you are still counting in months. Give him a break. And give yourself one too!

and blazing, he is our only child so doesnt have a big sibling whacking him (and we don't use smacking at all).

Thank you - I know you are all right and he really is just a little tiny frustrated whirlwind but BLIMEY was today a struggle.

You have my sympathy; after perfect DS1, DD took a bite out of a friend's child's face at toddler group, and DS2 (3) thinks violence is both the first and last resort in all circumstances.

I have tried a very firm no (strong reaction), pointing out how sad the other child was, removing them from the fun, and then trying a bit more active involvement in what they were doing that was positive (since I suspect some of it was attention-seeking).

But it was horrible, and very humbling having felt like such a superior parent when I only had DS1. Nothing like kids for making you feel a foot high.

oh olipop
i have days like that. try not to dwell on it, your ds isnt any different to many other children, other children are like this too, its perfectly normal and yu dont have to wrry about it. you just dont see the other children doing these naughty things. you only see your ds

i repeat, try not to dwell on it. i have often cried like you did today. tomorrow, start afresh. start afresh every day. its difficult i know.

my advice si never ever tell him he is bad or naughty. the act of what he is doing (ie hitting) is naughty. be clear about that. i bbelieve children who are told they are naughty come to believe that.

it will pass. soon

hth

Olipop - didn't mean to insinuate you were fostering a bad situation at home - sorry!

I feel for you, it's horrible when your child does something to another child, you just feel mortified and there is nothing you can do to predict or prevent it.

I take DD away from the situation and say 'NO, NICE GIRLS DO NOT BITE/KICK/HIT OTHERS ON THE HEAD WITH A WOODEN MALLET!' in a firm voice.

I think with DD it's frustration though because she hasn't got the coordination to do the things she wants too. Could your DS be frustrated in a similar way?

olipop i know how you feel. my dd used to bite..and when i say bite i mean anyone or anything that used to get in her way.

we had an old travel cot set up in the living room and every time she bit... in she went with a firm 'no' it took about a week before she realised, then she would bite and try to climb in herself! she hasnt done it now for about two weeks, so its worked for us (and the cot was put away yesterday)

all of it is a phase whether they hit, bite or just scream..they are realising that they are independant people with a mind of there own, bless them lol..

hth

Thanks - I tried to watch other children today (whilst ensuring DS wasn't murdering any unsuspecting souls) to see if they were as bad as him but it didn't look like it.
I am sure he is just frustrated with life...its a tough age. I'm really careful not to say that he is naughty and I try and describe the situation to him (years of supernanny!)
It's just really grim and today was just a whack too far for me.

most children make a show of their parents at their first time[and possibly second or third]at a playgroup like any new situation they test what they can and cant do and being an only child its completly normal

Oh I can empathise Olipop - it's normally my dd wreaking havoc at the groups we go to.
Not so easy to do at groups where you don't know the other children/parents so well, but when we are with friends and dd (also 20 months) pushes them over/hits them I now try to make lots of fuss over the other child, and ignore dd, so that she sees that her actions don't get her any attention. Have only just started trying this, but have heard it suggested on here before.

Would agree with myttwopenceworth: keep it simple "No X-ing", rather than going into too much detail about how the other child feels etc. Your DS is really just a more mobile baby at the moment, so don't confuse him with long explanations - just firm and consistent "no" and possibly removing him or yourself for a minute as part of your reprimand. Often the threat of mummy going into a different room (for a short while) is enough for my DS to stop doing whatever he isn't supposed to be doing IYSWIM.

Anyway, hope you are feeling better about it all today. Also agree with the poster who says start each day afresh. Otherwise you will just perpetuate things with negative expectations. If you expect trouble, it tends to happen.

All the best.

My ds went through the pushing other chn stage too. Just go with it, it'll pass. Ignore any looks from mums with chn who haven't started doing this yet, just think to yourself that they've got it all to come...