Is my 4yro academically falling behind?

[Cheeseandpickle1]

DS is 4yro, a summer baby, born in July.
He has been attending a nursery since he was 15m.
He has just started an independent primary school, I tell you this because the parents there are extremely pushy and most of their children seem like obedient soldiers. Anyway, mine is not that!

I had some shocking news from his teacher today, this was that he is “quite far behind, even behind the younger children, educationally, socially and emotionally” This information was quite shocking to me, as my son, in my eyes is very much “switched on”. He is abit lazy at times and has a fun atmosphere at home with us and his siblings. So having education drummed into him at home was not on the top of his list.

I am now extremely worried and have been crying most of the day, I feel so guilty that I possibly have not put enough work into him at home. I blame myself but the teacher assured me that she wasn’t doing much with her daughter at home (who is the same age) but phonics and reading have come to her naturally.
She then mentioned that maybe that this particular school may not be the right environment for him confused but that they can assure me that they won’t give up on him... hmm.
She also mentioned that we could consider moving him down a year!! But then went on to say that this may not be something the head would agree on in this case.
This school is an amazing opportunity for him, like I myself did not have. I want the best for him but I also don’t want him to be excluded. I can’t help but feel he is being pushed out slightly.
I feel so emotional and confused right now. I’m baffled that the teacher can have such a strong judgement on a child that has only been in the school for 3 weeks!

How can it be "an amazing opportunity" for him to attend a school that can be so critical and negative within the first half term, when he is still settling in ? [cpnfused]

I don't think this school would "be the right environment" for any of my dc. I expect a school to be nurturing and to understand that 4 yr olds are hugely varied and that the expectation is they will be hugely varied and that the teacher will start from where they are.

I don't know your ds, but I am reading FAR more about the school from this post, than I am about your ds.

Oh dear @Cheeseandpickle1 dry those tears, because you shouldn't be sad or confused, you should be truly pissed at the school and put them back to their place which is teaching every child and not only those who learn at home.

Why is the school fantastic in your mind, because of marvellous results on national tests (maybe because they exclude or push away any student that might stain that image?) .
What makes private schools better? Better teacher or high achiever students, and how do they become so advanced, by going to school or having out of school work either imposed by parents or external centres?

We are in October and school started when in Uk, last month, in September? 3 weeks as you say.
I would requested a formal appointment with the teacher and ask her how she will ensure he can be brought up to the same level of the average fo the class.
Ask precisely what his weaknesses are in every single topic, so not knowing the alphabet, basic sums, and ask for a plan to do at home. Say you want to work with the school.

At home, increase the time you spend reading books with your son, and if he uses screens, avoid them during the week, especially the hand held ones (iPad, iPhone, ...) . Set an episode of his show between dinner and bath on the TV but now with all the Netflix and such, it is never a beginning and end, there is always more.
Come back from school, wash hand, have a snack, wash hands again and sit with him for 20-30 min every single day, weekend included. If you do play first, it will a disaster to try to move him back to work.
After this 20-30 min working on letters, numbers, or whatever the teacher recommended, play , read, go out, .... but no screens.

The teacher should be teaching and take any behind pupil as a personal project and challenge.
Maybe reconsider if this is the kind of school where you son can thrive and develop a love of learning.

@BackforGood I say it’s an amazing opportunity because the levels of achievement from the school are sky high. Although I believe most, if not all of the children in his class have come from filtered nursery’s. IE they have all been preparing their developments to fit the requirements for this particular school. My Ds has come from a montessori nursery we’re they are keen on building the child’s confidence. Right now I feel as if his confidence will only get knocked back here.

My main cause for concern which I failed to mention is the fact that the schools lunch regime is strictly school dinners. My son is a seriously fussy eater and almost has a phobia towards foods that he isn’t comfortable with. I’m also starting to feel concerned that he is still in nappies at night time and is still waking up in the morning with them wet.

I’m starting to fear that I have not acknowledged these “issues” or are these things completely normal for a 4yro.

@LeGrandBleu
Thank you for your kind reply.
I actually didn’t even think of it like that, maybe you’re right, maybe they have such great grades and such high standards because they push away children that aren’t suited to their perfections.
The school is highly selective and due to covid my son wasn’t able to have an assessment for the school, which is normally the only way they’ll get offered a place. They let him in and gave us the whole “he will be reviewed in 6months”.

I totally agree with your regarding screen time my DS thinks he is entitled to watch the tv. I have already taken away the iPad, this o did actually about a year ago. Tv time I am definitely going to cut down on for him now.

I have agreed that I will park with them to get him up to the levels needed but maybe they need to be more precise with me, thanks for that advise.

Another cause for concern which I failed to mention is the fact that the schools lunch regime is strictly school dinners. My son is a seriously fussy eater and almost has a phobia towards foods that he isn’t comfortable with. I’m also starting to feel concerned that he is still in nappies at night time and is still waking up in the morning with them wet.

My husband seems to be in denial and keeps telling me that DS is fine and he will catch up. This is also hard for him to grasp the severity also as he works abroad for around 6-8 weeks at a time. So he doesn’t fully see the milestones like I do.

Ds is daily coming home from school telling me how hungry he is because he hasn’t been eating his school lunches. The menus are extremely adventurous what with turkey stews & king prawns curries etc he would never in a million years eat these things for me at home let alone at school were he is feeling pressured to do so.

@LeGrandBleu Thank you for your kind reply.
I actually didn’t even think of it like that, maybe you’re right, maybe they have such great grades and such high standards because they push away children that aren’t suited to their perfections.
The school is highly selective and due to covid my son wasn’t able to have an assessment for the school, which is normally the only way they’ll get offered a place. They let him in and gave us the whole “he will be reviewed in 6months”.

I totally agree with you regarding screen time my DS thinks he is entitled to watch the tv. I have already taken away the iPad, this I did about a year ago. Tv time I am definitely going to cut down on from now.

I have agreed that I will work with them to get him up to the levels needed but maybe they need to be more precise with me, thanks for that advise.

Another cause for concern which I failed to mention is the fact that the schools lunch regime is strictly school dinners. My son is a seriously fussy eater and almost has a phobia towards foods that he isn’t comfortable with. I’m also starting to feel concerned that he is still in nappies at night time and is still waking up in the morning with them wet.

My husband seems to be in denial and keeps telling me that DS is fine and he will catch up. This is also hard for him to grasp the severity as he works abroad for around 6-8 weeks at a time. So he doesn’t fully see the milestones like I do.

Ds is coming home from school on a daily basis telling me how hungry he is because he hasn’t been eating his school lunches. The menus are extremely adventurous what with turkey stews & king prawns curries etc. He would never in a million years eat these things for me at home let alone at school where he is feeling pressured to do so.

@Cheeseandpickle1

1. First of all, breath and relax. Your son is 4 not 14 or 40. Life and school is beginning not ending, nothing is written or set in stone yet. We have changed countries several times for my DH's work, which for the kids meant 4 different countries , languages, school system, school curriculum, .... at every move, they end up at the bottom of the class, and then slowly they made up their way to the top. You will make the biggest difference in your son's education, not some random selective (which select only student that suits them) school. You are determinant. Cool.
2. Avoid the blitzkrieg . Don't attack on all front at once. school, food, nappy, tv. Keep a happy house. Making everyone miserable is the perfect recipe of failure and disaster. The main one is school. So keep it simple, no need for a timetable or schedule. After school, you sit at the table all of you with your afternoon snack, then clean the table and open the school bag or print the worksheets and get it out of the way. School work is like French verbs and abs. 20 mins a day give far better results than marathon sessions in the weekend.
3. Take my word, screens before work will sabotage results. Screens before school will sabotage concentration. And the main issue with screens is that the time spent on them is not time spent doing something else, such as reading. The level of adrenaline, actions, excitement of a game, videos, will hinder the pleasure of reading, because it is impossible to compete with the pace and multiple effects. Go to the library, take the maximum amount of books allowed on all your cards combined and organise a reading marathon in your bed. Or put a bed sheet on top of your dinning table and a zillion of pillow under it and with torches pretend you are in a submarine and read there until you can immerse for dinner time.
4. Food. Cook together. With him at the library select cooking books (can I suggest French and Italian) , with a lot of beautiful photos and go to the grocers market together and pick the food. Have him stand ing on a chair while your cook and let him chop a zucchini with a table knife and stir the tomatoes and drizzle the oil. Make him a part of the cooking process. I said eating French because it might be more flexible than the dishes I see my Australian friends prepare, which tend to be a one pot sort of dish, whereas in France, we cook a fish/meat/chicken and then have some potatoes or cooked veggies / salads on the side. Eat together and one meal for all. Put the dishes on the table and everyone picks from the serving dish and make their own plate. Start with easy dishes, so a crumbled schnitzel which he has to prepare (3 plates, one with flour, second with mixed eggs, third with breadcrumbs , first tap the meat in flour , then dip into egg, and pass into the breadcrumbs) . Make it a house rule to eat together and maybe never have twice the same food during the week.
   Or an easy pasta sauce, a risotto which he is in charge of stirring non stop.
5. nappie. Here I am at loss, because in France, we don't double it the way Aussies and UK do. When you remove nappy it is gone day and night , so maybe ask on the potty training board for suggestions. What we do in France for the night accident is multiple layers. One plastic bedsheet covered by a normal bedsheet, then plastic and normal again, and one more layer. So if you boy has an accident, you just change his pyjamas with a quick was, and remove the first two bedsheets (normal and plastic) without having to dig into the linen cupboard at midnight, bed is ready with the set of bedsheets. Not too many drinks before bed, and when you go to bed, take him sleepy to toilet.

However right now, it is not the priority.

One last thing, when doing work with him, select paper workbook and not digital one and avoid educational website like the plague. Paper and pencil 100 % this is how you can see progress. Make it a game. Buy 4 packets of post it, and label the whole house. Write the name of every single thing, fridge, chair, keys , milk, bag, washing machine, .... and make it a game to misplace the labels and he has to find the right one. or ask him to bring you all the label he can find that start with an M, and so on. Make up games

@LeGrandBleu Wow what fantastic ideas. Thank you so much. I was a wreck yesterday and hardly slept. I will try and relax about it. It’s extremely early days. I will step the reading and writing up with no digital devices.

Great idea about the double bed sheets I hadn’t even thought about that, I tried leaving him nappyless one night and the bedsheet swap over was a nightmare, so this is a great idea.

Cooking with him will be a great bonding session with us too, that’s a great idea and dipping meat into eggs and breadcrumbs is nice and simple. Like yourself we always have a meat or fish with veg and potatoes or rice! So pretty simple.

Last of all the fantastic idea abou the bedsheet over the table like a boat etc. My ds will love that!!

Thank you so much for your kindness, no one has suggested such encouragement towards me. I felt as if I was failing my job as a mother.

Thank you again I will take your wonderful advice on board!

@Cheeseandpickle1 You shouldn't be a wreck. Starting school is a matter of joy not despair. Unless it was an enrolment requirement to know how to read and do addition and subtraction before starting school at the age of 4, I would question the choice of school and the comments of the teacher.

You are not failing as a mother, you are possibly failing as a teacher, but are you a teacher? NO , you are his mother.
When your son will be an adult and he will talk to others about you do you think he will say, " oh she was so great, she would teach me phonics and long division every day" no, it will be the cuddles, the laughter, the game, the hide and seek, the jumping in puddles, and standing up for him in front of a bully school system.

You are uniquely you and your son is uniquely him. You can't compare others. He needs some support with school and you will give him that while maintaining a happy house. Slowly you will encourage new food, by adding a couple more on the dining table and asking that he only takes 1 bite, no more every night, and then he can help himself from whatever is before him, but avoid post meals snacks or replacement because he didn't eat.
After tasting and trying the same new food a dozen time, a child will like it.

Fried fish is also nice. Beer battered is my favourite and the alcohol evaporates so it is safe for children. 1 cup self raising flour, 1 bottle of beer (minus some sips for you), mix well in a bowl and have dive the fish into the batter and straight into the pan with hot oil. Make it a joke about the beer and say it is a secret , so you are going to call the dish, the "secret fish" and make the sign of locking your mouth with a pretend key.
Another fish dish which I have never seen a child refuse is the sole (which is impossible to find in Australia). A pan, generous knob of butter, and lay the sole in it, flip the other side, slat and pepper. Delicious and buttery.

New food, new school are all exciting moment for every one. Why not replicate the school at home if you have one of these blackboard with chalk. Put small chairs in from, with stuffed animals on them and you as well, and he is the teacher . Or play restaurant, and if you have a toy food set, use it, if not, use the real thing, a fancy table, multiple cutlery, a waiter with a menu written together to practice letters, and exploring new dishes you might later suggest you do with his help.

Have a good time together, that is what matters, not that is is the last of the class. After all, doesn't it mean he can only progress up grin ?

Perhaps the reason this school gets such good results is because they bully and ostracise kids who don't fit into their narrative.... It's bloody ridiculous to be labelling him like this when he has barely turned 4 and only been there a few weeks. Has anything ever been bought up before about his learning abilities? Any delay noted on his 2Y check or anything? I know you want the best for him but are you sure that this school IS what's best? They've basically written him off after a couple of weeks and by the sounds of it offering no intervention or extra tuition to try and meet his learning needs. Personally I would have my child straight out of there especially if I was paying a premium for this school

My ds is four and he has just started school. He is sweet, gentle and well behaved but I know he is behind socially, emotionally and with speech. He is also in nappies at night and is incredibly picky with food. The difference is that he is in a supportive and caring school and they have been nothing but positive about him.

I’m wondering if you need to reconsider the school you send your son to? I tried a number of preschools for my son before he started in reception and looked around at least five schools before picking the current one, as it has very good pastoral care. He is behind in certain areas, but happy and supported!

The food thing is tricky. Can you send him with packed lunch? My son would rather starve then eat those things you have mentioned! I choose the hot dinner option very carefully and if I’m not sure whether he is going to eat it, I always send in a little bit of extra food in his book bag - whole meal roll, a brioche or banana. When I know that he won’t even try the food, I send in a packed lunch. I also send in ketchup in a little tupperware, as that will sometimes encourage him to try new foods.

Remember, just because your son may (or may not) be a little socially, emotionally and academically behind now - it doesn’t mean he will always be. He is only four and needs to be in a nurturing environment to help him grow in confidence and to develop to his full potential.

@Jannt86
I do feel it was very intense to tell me this as all I’ve been doing the past few days is crying! I’m just so shocked. I thought DS was very intelligent, this was the last thing I thought I would hear.

His nursery gave him a good report so nothing has shown up before. His current teacher even mentioned the fact that “she doesn’t know where they got their statistics from and how they gave him this report which is totally not accurate” I’m so confused.

I feel so guilty, I know over lockdown (covid) I should of done more reading and writing with him. I feel I’m to blame and I hate the thought of him being left out because of his possible under achievements.

I’ve already mentioned to my husband that maybe this isn’t the right environment but I also don’t want to quit so soon. Today when I picked him up she said he had a great day, earned a sticker and ate his lunch(which he is usually extremely fussy over eating). It goes from a good day to “he is seriously behind, even the younger children in the class” the fact that she mentioned maybe discussing with DH about putting him down a year is outrageous to me and I’m beyond shocked that they even feel this way, again after just 3 weeks of analysing him.
I fear that if we do pull him out and put him else where it could be detrimental towards his future. The children achieve so high in this particular school. I didn’t have a great education and I wasn’t confident in school, I’m so grateful to be able to give our son a great start.
Although I am now worried that they feel he isn’t up to their perfect standards.

I believe most of the children in his class have all come from filtered nursery’s. They have all been trained to meet the standards. The nursery my DS has come from is very relaxed and is all about building confidence instead of focusing on academics at such a young age.

Your ds might well be perfectly intelligent. My nephew is very smart, articulate and funny but he has been in school a year now and not exactly taking off with reading etc and quite a picky eater. Many kids this age are not really emotionally ready to learn in the true sense and learning should be through play and exploration. It honestly sounds like it's the school with the problem...

This isn't the right school for your child. I don't for a minute believe it's your child that has a problem, I think it's the school.

There is no need to be concerned he's not dry at night before 6. It is hormonal and cannot be trained for night dryness

@Harrysmummy246
I don’t believe he is the problem either tbh. I have been doing so much research into the whole nighttime weeing I am relieved to see that it’s not uncommon at his age. Thank you!

@Jannt86
sounds just like my son he is so witty and funny, kind and caring and has an amazing memory. He doesn’t forget anything (conveniently when it’s of something of interest to him)
I believe he is just abit lazy he also pretends he doesn’t know certain things when I know for a fact that he does. I take responsibility and totally see now that he isn’t at the same level as the children in his class but I also think they have been trained and have been working a lot at home.. something that I need to work on now!