I'm sorry, this will probably be so long.
I am mum to a 20 month old boy. He has turned into a monster and I can't cope. I know they all go though the terrible twos but this is so awful. I think he's quite bright - he is getting pretty good at saying what he wants and can say most of the words in his books. He has always been so so energetic and runs around all day, climbing all over everything. He is also a very loving boy who loves to give cuddles. But he has a ferocious temper. If he can't get something he wants or I tell him no or I lead him the way he doesn't want to go when we're out, he loses it completely. Violently throwing himself around (so much so that if I don't grab his reins at the back to almost suspend him from the ground, he would smash his head on the concrete and probably seriously injure himself). He lashes out, hitting me and pulling my hair and throws his toys. I usually try to stay calm, explain to him how he feels and why I've told him no, that I'm going to pick him up and tell him what will happen next. But I literally have to carry him screaming out of the park having a full meltdown, with everyone staring at us. I know that meltdowns are normal, but it is constant and al throughout the day. He has also now stopped sleeping through the night. He used to sleep so well, but now it's a delicate operation to get him down, but then as soon as my husband and I go to bed, he cries. One of us will go to his room and sit with him to get him back to sleep, but it seems that as soon as we think he's settled and go to leave, he wakes again. He starts screaming. We've tried leaving the room to cry and then coming back, gradually increasing the time we're out of the room, but it doesn't work. The other morning he cried full volume for over an hour and a half from around 4am until it was time for us to get him up. He has also started banging his head against the cot out of rage. So much so that the other morning he had a big bruise on his forehead. It breaks my heart and I feel helpless.
The rest of the time, he seems like a happy boy who is full of energy and so excited to explore. I know that's the case so I always build time into the day just for him to explore and run around outside. But his temper is making it so hard and I increasingly dread taking him out by myself now.
I don't have any family to help out. They live at the other end of the country and basically disowned me as soon as my son was born (out of jealousy because we don't live round the corner, but my husbands family do). My in laws are nuts and offer no help whatsoever, they just criticise us. My husband works really long hours, although we're lucky he has been able to work from home this year. However it is a very stressful job and we inevitably absorb the work stress as a household, which is tough. We're also in the process of trying to sell our house, but it isn't going very well at all - it has taken almost a year and is still not yet near completion (the whole time we've been under offer). It has been an awful experience.
I'm struggling to cope now and my own meltdowns seem to be coming thick and fast. I pick myself up and start fresh but then find that before I know it, I'm back down on the bedroom floor sobbing and banging my head out of frustration. I even left the house the other night at around 8.30pm with no phone or wallet. My son would not sleep, was crying non stop, my husband was on a work call with noise cancelling headphones on. I lost it and interrupted his call to go to our son, told him If he didn't I was going to kill myself and I just opened the front door and wandered around for about an hour and a half. I worried my husband so much he almost called the police. I didn't even consider how he would feel and what he might think. I didn't think he would worry and think that I might be jumping off a bridge or something. I felt awful when I got back, but I just couldn't be in the house.
The following day we went for a play date in the park. My son had so many meltdowns in the hour we were there, it was embarrassing. My friend was so lovely and understanding, but I could tell that she was shocked when he started lashing out at me. Her daughter didn't need reins, listened and was calm and content. My son was very sweet and enjoyed playing with her, and even gave her a lovely little cuddle. It was lovely to see and made my heart melt. But then when he couldn't get his own way, if I told him he couldn't play with something that was dangerous, he lost it immediately. I left feeling like the worst mum in the world, that I didn't know what I was doing, that I have failed and cannot cope anymore. I felt so upset. My son then had an awful night and I think I spent most of the early hours with my husband sobbing my heart out. But then the next morning I decided to take some inspiration from my friend, I really listened to my son, gave him more freedom, trusted him more, respected his feelings more (ie not battling it out with him when he doesn't want to put his jeans on, letting him play and putting them on later, etc). We had a better day. He's still having meltdowns almost constantly (even at mealtimes), but I think I've managed them slightly better. Night times are so hard though.
My husband and I are so tired. He is great at stepping in at the weekend when I really need him to, but I'm at the point where my bath is overflowing. The slightest thing can make me completely break down in tears and I feel like I want to repeatedly smash my skull against the wall until it breaks. I feel trapped and like I wish we had never had children. I love our son so much, more than anything ever, but I just can't do this every day and every night. I don't know where to turn and I just don't want to be here in this house anymore.
I don't know what I expect by sharing this, but I feel a little better just writing it all down (that and my husband has taken our screaming son downstairs to watch tv leaving me to get myself up off the floor having spent the previous hour sobbing and dreading the day, the night, the week, the months ahead like this). I guess if you've even got this far reading my essay, I'm just looking for some encouragement, advice, reassurance that this will end eventually. I just want to be a good mum to my son.