Refuses to co-operate

[cori]

I know this topic has probably been covered a hundred times, but how do i get my DS 2.8 to do as his asked?. We went to the library today , he knocked over two of the kiddies chairs, I asked him to pick them up, he refused. I told him that he couldnt look at anymore books until he picked them up, so he just stood in the one spot for about 5 mins not moving just looking around, when I got fed up and told him we were leaving he picked up the chair. Similar thing happened this evening, he refused to pick up his farm animals from the lounge room floor, I asked him several times, the more i have to ask the more wound up I become. I almost lost my temper and smacked him, but controlled myself. In the end I picked up the toys myself and took them away from him and have sent him to bed.
Am I expecting too much? DO children of this age usually clean up after themselves when asked.? How do I get him to co-operate? I am trying to be consistent but I get so upset when I have to ask him to do the same thing over again.

He sounds very normal for his age. It is very hard. You have heard of the terrible twos? Well, this is it. It is all about the child asserting himself and finding out how far he can go with you. It is up to you to set limits, which it sounds like you are doing. I am not sure how much you can expect him to do, but clearing up a few toys should not be beyond him. Try to accentuate the things he does right rather than the times he refuses to do as he is told. Perhaps you could say "When [never say if, say when, make it sound as though you expect him to obey you] you have tidied your toys away, I will read you a story" [or some other thing he likes]. That way, he concentrates on the pleasure still to come rather than having a scene with you. Obviously, he doesn't get the treat if he doesn't do as he is told.
Scenes in public, like the one you described in the library are excrutiatingly embarrassing, aren't they? Try to avoid those! You handled it well today.
Don't get too upset about this behaviour. It does end quite quickly, and I think it helps if you have established some basic rules by the time it ends.

I think my son is lovely, cooperative and easy, but I clear up after him nearly all the time. After all, he doesn't deliberately make a mess, and I want him to play with stuff, it takes him ages to do things like this (not his fault, just his age and clumsiness) and I don't want him to feel that he is always in the wrong. Sometimes I ask him to 'help' me tidy and we both put things away. I do wonder whether making a point is really worth your getting so upset and stressed and spoiling what could be really lovely outings. He didn't mean to knock the chairs over (presumably) and it would have taken seconds just to pick them up and you could have had a lovely time together. This is NOT a criticism of you, btw. I do not think you are 'wrong', just wonder if yes, maybe you are asking a bit much, and is it really worth it, esp as it winds you up so much and can't be nice for you. Of course, as ds gets older, more coordinated and less impulsive, then I will expect more from him. I don't like really spoilt kids. Ds has nice manners, says please and thank you pretty much automatically for me now and I will go with the flow on most stuff.

He's just three btw.

I agree with aloha. I think the most valuable piece of parenting advice I have been given is "choose your battles carefully"! Otherwise you tend to find yourself saying "no, no, no" all day long. Instead of saying "pick those chairs up NOW!" you could have tried "oh well that was a bit silly, shall we pick them up before someone falls over them." It means you often end up doing it yourself but it saves you a lot of aggravation. I don't mean be a wishy-washy pushover - sometimes you have to be firm, say no and mean it: but a lot of the time the little things just aren't worth fighting over. With toys I find my almost 3 year old is quite amenable to helping - but not to doing it himself!

As lonelymum says, this is such a difficult age; they are constantly testing your boundaries and seeing just how far they can push you. It's very easy to get into a negative cycle where everything they do winds you up,you spend all day telling them off and you feel like you've been through the wringer by bedtime. Have you read Toddler Taming by Christopher Green? I don't go along with everything he says but a lot of it - distraction techniques, defusing tantrums, is very good.

HTH and didn't sound too patronising/critical. Believe me I can talk the talk but you should see me sometimes with my toddler

Believe me, I've snapped lots of times, but I usually really regret it and think it wasn't worth it. I think getting into a real confrontation with an irrational toddler is almost always a hideous waste of your time and energy.

I know this is normal toddler behaviour, and they have to test their boundaries.But there has to be limits to what I can consider acceptable and some rules he should be learning to follow. I dont want to continue to have to bribe and conjole him into every thing I would like him to do.
The thing is he did mean to knock the chair over in the library. (other wise I would not have made an issue out of it)For some unbknown reason he likes turning things upside down.
Also bribery as such doesnt really work with him either. In terms of 'if you pcik up your toys I will read you a story' he will just do or not do as he wants.
He is very stubborn and so am I, so I understand where its coming from.
I am trying to choose my battles, I dont make a big deal over non co-operation over dinner anymore, there just seem to be more and more battles everyday and I am losing most of them.
Have just been reading thread that mentions the book 'the manipulative child'. I may look into that