Is my 4 year old behind?

[User3million]

He’s summer born and just started school in September.
He struggles to put his own coat on and zip it up. He not very good at wiping himself after the toilet, though he’s very good at using the toilet and never has accidents.
He can put on shoes if they’re slip on, or his wellies but struggles with his school shoes.
His pen grip is quite poor.
I’m concerned he’s not as advanced in these areas as other kids his age. He’s very clever in some areas, maths etc, but he seems to lag behind with self care elements.

Is this something I should look into or should I give him a bit more time & encouragement?

Anyone?

This sounds like my 4year old and he was born in January. My boy is lazy and can do most things by himself when focused and wants to. When he's with me, I step back and let him try to do a lot of the stuff with out getting involved.

Have you been helping him all the time, putting his clothes on for him, doing him stuff for him,
It takes time and errors to learn to do stuff. Has he been using his hands to play assembling pieces, dismounting, not only pushing a toy car around.
Does he play a lot on the phone/iPad?

I am guilty of maybe helping him too much... it’s just hard not to when rushing out in the morning.
He does really try and I encourage him lots, but he gets so frustrated when he can’t do something straight away. He lets it get the better of him and then point blank refuses to try again for ages.

He loves building things and sticking blocks together. He does have a kids kindle but I do limit his use of it and he’s never allowed it on school days.
In regards to his pen grip... he’s so stubborn. He says his way is the proper way and that’s that. I’ve tried lizard lying and doing it on the floor. Showed him how to pick it up from pinching position to no avail.

Like I say, he’s incredibly stubborn and digs his heels in when he doesn’t get it first time.

My older child was definitely more self reliant by time they started school... but they were winter born so I don’t know if it’s an age thing or if my 4 year old is actually behind..

My DD is 3 years and 4 months and is the same with putting clothes on and wiping and I've got the feeling she is a bit behind some kids in her class. I also help her all the time, the same as you, she gets really frustrated. I would like to let her doing it by herself more often but her frustration tolerance is really low and I dread the meltdown if the cannot do a zip/bottom. I do not have time for a meltdown before going to nursery...so I do it but I am aware that this will cause delays.
I have just bought a pair of boots for her, is she is in a good mood when I collect her from nursery, I'll try is she can try them on herself...fingers crossed!

Yes, there is little time in the morning, and somehow, we are always all late and rushing. But there are many more opportunities during the day, getting undressed, putting pyjamas on, and of course the weekend. It is just that we get in the habit of helping them.
Frustration wise, I wonder if the culture of constant praise that I noticed here in Australia is actually to blame. Wherever I go, be it out or at a friend's house, parents are constantly praising their children. At the traffic light praised for pushing the pedestrian button " great pushing" , in a shop, after making a fuss, child is handed credit card and " great paying", at a friend " great flushing" great eating, and so on....
Every single thing is praised and of course not doing it right will be a disaster, so maybe @User3million don't encourage him that much. Just say that he is going to school now and it is time to learn how to put clothes on. Tell him about your failures, from burning the first cake you ever made to whatever.
When you play with him, let your tower block collapse and then say " well, I will try again ". More than constant praise, the kids need resilience, the ability to overcome failure. And the need to be praised for something that is worth a praise not for eating or brushing teeth.

For the grip, I used to put an elastic band where the fingers should rest on the pen/pencil. In France, we use a lot "graphisme" to develop grip and pen control. google " graphisme grande section" to see if some sheets might help.

Oh bless him. I've got a just turned 4yo who missed out on going to school this year by 3 days; he sounds exactly like your son. It's still so little. Sounds very normal to me.

Hi

I am a primary teacher so I have seen a fair few children like your son. It's great for children to be independent but there are lots who are not. In the nicest possible way, you can always spot the children whose mums do a lot for them! During their first year at school, they learn so much though. And they become more self sufficient, partly because they just have to be. They share an adult with lots of different people so they learn to 'have a go' until they can do things. I always encourage small children to have a go themselves before I rush to help them. Just because independence is important. I don't leave them struggling for any length of time of course!

The best thing you can do is make sure he has clothes and a coat etc that are the easiest type for putting on and taking off. No laces etc. Again, encourage him to have a go in the house before you help.

Pen grip will more than likely come. It just takes lots of practise. You can buy a pencil grip to put over his pencil and encourages children to hold them the correct way. Or the school could supply you with one. There are a few different types, I keep a stash in my drawer for children who may need them.

You'll notice a huge difference by the end of this year, I'm sure of it.

Hello I think he sounds absolutely grand! My DS like yours has had mummy helping him 24/7.
Like another mum here said, sometimes it’s just a way to avoid a tantrum. Who needs a temper tantrum over doing up a zip?
Like your son my son is also good at going to the toilet independently but also isn’t very thorough when wiping. Don’t worry it’s kids being kids. They will get there in the end, they need to make these mistakes to learn. We need to also allow our children to be children and not push them to mature too soon. Plus you will totally miss not being able to help him with these things, I know I will!

I myself have had a particularly bad day today with my 4yro.
He is a summer baby also, he has been attending a nursery since he was 15m.

He has just started an independent primary school, I tell you this because the parents there are extremely pushy and most of their children seem like obedient soldiers. Anyway, mine is not that!

I had some shocking news from his teacher today, this was that he is “quite far behind, even behind the younger children, educationally, socially and emotionally” This information was quite shocking to me, as my son, in my eyes is very much “switched on”. He is abit lazy at times and has a fun atmosphere at home with us and his siblings. So having education drummed into him at home was not on the top of his list.

I am now extremely worried and have been crying most of the day, I feel so guilty that I possibly have not put enough work into him at home. I blame myself but the teacher assured me that she wasn’t doing much with her daughter at home (who is the same age) but phonics and reading have come to her naturally.
She then mentioned that maybe that this particular school may not be the right environment for him but that they can assure me that they won’t give up on him... .
She also mentioned that we could consider moving him down a year!! But then went on to say that this may not be something the head would agree on in this case.
This school is an amazing opportunity for him, like I myself did not have. I want the best for him but I also don’t want him to be excluded. I can’t help but feel he is being pushed out slightly.
I feel so emotional and confused right now. I’m baffled that the teacher can have such a strong judgement on a child that has only been in the school for 3 weeks!

@Cheeseandpickle1

Wow, that is absolutely astounding. Ask exactly what he is behind in. Numeracy? Reading? Writing? To be honest, a lot of boys are slower to get started with the educational side of things but how they perform at the beginning of school, isn't necessarily where they end up! Some kids start off performing high and then they peak. Please try not to worry too much.