Lone parents Advice on child please

[anon2334]

I have a 3 year old who comes back from his dads distressed and I mean distressed and doesn’t want me at all.. the full weekends started last month but it’s been like this every other weekend and he just wants his dad. My eldest 7 is fine but didn’t want to hug because I didn’t buy anything. My children just don’t want me , usually he is better next day but I’m not sure what’s going on. It was emotionally abuse and one of the reason we aren’t together is because I asked him to stop shouting at our children. He seems to be a totally different dad now and buys them everything and is so wonderful and even fooled everyone during court process. I could and would never interfere in there relationship but his family come from a background of severe narcissistic abuse that his older siblings have moved far away and keep their kids away from him and his mother.

He buys them so much stuff that now they want me to buy everything, I lost everything leaving him and have no such money but I do often buy them treats and take them out but I don’t have to feel like I need to do that if that makes sense.

I’m giving my 3 year old room to get back to himself. Usually we are so close, hugs and love you mummy but when he comes back from long weekend he isn’t himself at all with me. I’m genuinely worried he will eventually go and if that happens his dad is the type to turn them against me. I wish I was wrong but if I told you what he has said and done you would understand and hop you believe me. He wouldn’t hit me he would laugh and say ‘you want me to hit don’t your after a bandage of abuse and threats to destroy me and never see the kids I was reduced to tears and tried to say sorry for whatever I said wrong but he would laugh and laugh and say he doesn’t hit women he is too nice but clearly I’m asking for it. That’s the type he is. 18 months later I’m still in trauma over it but my good days with my kids get me through and everything is peaceful for the most part.

Any advice on how anyone coped with their kids coming back dads?

Hello, emotional abuse takes time to recover from, I lived it. I used to worry and one day my child said it was me that acted different and some of it was true, I was nervous and worried when they returned.
I would play music when they come home to calm myself, cook there favourite meal or plan to go somewhere, tell them I love them and missed you, talk about what I done. The children was worried about me asking questions about what they did and upsetting me becuase dad use to say thing, my younger one just got use to having everything on demand at dads and it wasn't the same when they come home.
It's really difficult, I felt lost but my children are older now and they know I love them and always there for them regardless, they also said they had more fun going to the parks and having mini adventures.
Some people don't know how to love so they buy affection.
Be strong it will get easier in time.

Thank you. He did calm down and come back to me but I do Get concerned.. I guess I’m still getting over the trauma of what happened and the threats of him taking the children or turning them against me. I do get anxious when they comeback so maybe I will work on some relaxation methods. The next day is better and all is good until the next time they go for the weekend.

Thank you for your kind comment.

I assume your in the early stages, it takes roughly about two years to make new memories. Everything will be trial and error.
Try to trust your instincts, I found people would interfere or influence the situation, i wrote down the things were important to me so if in doubt I would look at it.
When people said I know how you feel, I thought you don't I know my own emotions, you didn't love him, your not hurt by him, Now I know they were just trying to reassure me.Every experience is different. Please try and be strong and find something to occupy the quiet times, I started a course.
You need kind words, i'm sure it's been quite negative. You can do it.