I don't like my 4-year olds best mate!

[Wonderwoman]

I never really thought that this would occur so early on in my child's life, but since starting pre-school nursery he has become best mates with a child that I have consistently tried (but failed) to warm to. I know that you have to let you child grow up, let them make their own decisons etc, but I never really expected this to happen at age 4! Perhaps some of you reading this will think that I am an over protective parent, and you may be right, but nonetheless I am at a loss what to do when it comes to dealing with this situation.

One year later, my son still appears to hold his best mate in soem form of adoration (although the mate is six months younger); clearly I don't like this! However, my more serious concern is that the mate is sly, has quite a vindictive streak, bullyish, and completely without regard for authority.

I am quite prepared to limit my son's involvement with this child outside school hours, but it is during school hours that the influence is most exerted, and this worries me. I would appreciate any comments from mothers who have found themselves in a similar situation, and your resolution.

I don't think you are over protective at all - you have his best interests at heart! My DS is not yet 3 but I know how I would feel in your shoes.
I don't know if this helps but when I was 5 I had a best friend who my mum didn't like. Apparently I became deceitful when she was around which was out of character. Rather than make it an issue with me (I didn't know about this until years later) mum went to my teacher and had a quiet word, asking if she could make sure that we weren't sitting together etc and asking her to encourage me to play with other children. Mum also politely refused invitations to play at this girl's house and encouraged other little friends to come and play. It wasn't long before both the little girl and I had made new friends.
Remember, wonderwoman, that you are ultimately in charge of who your child spends time with so you could slowly curtail the contact your son has with this mate of his and try to invite other children round more for him to play with. He is young enough not to be that affected by it if you don't make too much of a fuss.

My DS, 3 1/2, seems to have taken up with the Playgroup thug, no advice I am afraid, just sympathy. I hate to see my DS copying this boy's behaviour.

I agree with Ghostly. Just recently my dd age 9 made friends with a neighborhood child one street over from us. She had been playing with this little girl for about a month and I was just making friends with the mother. Through my daughter I found out that I didnt agree with everything her mom allowed her to do in her home. (nothing real bad). So I told my dd she would not be allowed to play with her friend anymore which she understood. My dd told her mom one day when the girl ask her if she could play and the mom called me up to see what my concerns were. I felt somewhat awkward and I didnt want the mom to think her dd was not good enough for my child. I just have my own personal beleifs on what she can and cannot do. Well the mother totally understood and respected my reasons and they havent played since. Its such a hard situation to be in.

I'm not yet in this situation, but our new neighbours have a daughter about my dd's age, and my dd thinks they are going to be great friends, but I'm not so sure! Since moving in, this child keeps coming into our part of the garden and playing on my daughter's toys, which I wouldn't mind, if she asked, but she just helps herself. My daughter was in the garden yesterday, and this girl came out and started playing on my daughter's slide, without even saying hello to my dd or asking if it was ok, or even acknowledging her. She doesn't seem to have any manners at all, and I won't be happy about my daughter playing with someone like this. I don't think you're being overprotective, it's our job to make sure our children grow up with good values, and if that means stopping them playing with kids who are a bad influence, then it has to be done. It's obviously harder for you since your boy is at school with this kid, but I think Ghosty's suggestion to gradually curb their contact is a good one.

This is an interesting thread! I haven't really reached this stage with my two yet, but, like Ghosty, remember it being an issue occasionally in my own childhood. I think if you're going to go down the minimising contact route her advice is very good. I must admit I think I'd stop short at directly forbidding my child to play with someone, threeangels, but I much admire your bravery! What on earth did you say when the mother asked why? I would have chickened out bigtime and denied all knowledge I suspect!

Another option- one which my Ma followed quite successfully, I think- is not to forbid contact or comment negatively about the friend in any way but to wait for your child to work out for himself that X is a git and in the meantime continue to insist that your family rules and values are adhered to, even if X is present and disrupting the situation. A few little talks on what being a good friend is about and how we all deserve to be treated don't go amiss either, whatever people decide to do.

ScummyMummy, It really was an awkward situation for me to be in and I wished I didnt have to do it but I felt I needed too. I'm such a shy person and I may never have said anything on my own (just try to avoid the family) but it was only when the mom called me that I had no choice. I had talked to my dd first and she ended up saying something to the child and mother when she came around to my dd's other friends house.

To be honest when she called she said that my dd told her that she could not play with her dd because ? is aloud to do some things that my dd cannot do. She ask me if I could tell her what my concerns were and I told her. I told her that I thought her dd was a very nice little girl and that I felt really bad but my dh and I had talked (which we really did) and agreed that we are trying to instill certain things in our children and have been for a while now. I told her it was not anything personally against her dd just our christian beleifs. Her mother said she really understood that parents have certain ways they want to raise their children and knows that they have to have certain restrictions. She is also a christian but not quite as strict as my family. I was so releived at the conversation but I still felt really bad. I just felt it was something I as a parent had to force myself to do and because my dd already knew those no no's she was not aloud to do. I think a gradual not letting a child to play is good. I would of done that but dd had only met the child 3 weeks before this and wasnt playing a whole lot at the time. I wanted to stop it before she got to heavily involved in the friendship. Everything has worked out though Thank God.

Wonderwoman - well find some mates your own age.

Sorry, that wasn't very helpful, but saw the conversation heading and couldn't resist.

Willow2

I agree with ScummyMummy, that sometimes it's better not to out and out forbid contact with a child especially when children are younger and the objection is somewhat minor. Kids can change friends frequently at that age. There is a girl on my street who is a year older than my step daughter (9) and a little too wild for my taste. I would rather not have my stepdaughter playing with her, but the choices are limited on our street and as she doesn't live with us, she doesn't school friends nearby etc. I ended up saying that she is not allowed to play with this girl in her house as I am not happy with the way her father supervises them (although he is in fact a friend and I like him, he isn't very good at supervising kids). She is allowed to play outside in the street (cul-de-sac) or in our house. That way I can keep an eye on them, but am not totally the evil stepmother. Though having said all of that, there are a couple of slightly older kids (11) in the neighborhood that my stepkids are absolutely forbidden to play with as they are truly hoodlums (damaging cars, stealing, smoking etc.). Funnily enough, they don't seem to resent the ban on playing with that group. Perhaps, they needed an excuse to not play with them, but felt too intimidated to say so themselves.
I had various playmates, particularly as I got older that my mother didn't approve of. Generally, rather than an out and out ban, she tried to limit contact, but making rules about where and when I was allowed to go. ie no playing at a house with no adult present, no going out after dinner (even when a teenager), etc.

Wonderwoman, I know exactly what you mean and would be concerned too. I think well-brought up little kids will always gravitate to the class hoodlum, it gives them some vicarious thrills to be associated with someone "naughty" when they know full well they would not get away with such behaviour themselves. I think Scummy's ideas are excellent, and having a quiet word with the class teacher, as suggested by Ghosty, could be worth a try.
We have a reverse situation where ds will NOT play with or show any interest in the one little boy at nursery whose parents I really get on well with! Such a NICE little boy, too...

I have this too ! The one mother that I really like and get on well with, and the kids don't like each other. Shame - but you can't make them like each other.

We have a situation where another mother and I have been taking our kids to football on alternate weeks for about 3 years. As far as I am concerned this is enough - they see each other at school every day, they go out together to football once a week (and the child involved is a bit annoying) - but we keep getting invitations for ds to go and play, sleep over etc. I don't want to reciprocate, so I try very hard to make reasonable excuses (work all week, want to see ds myself at weekends, etc.) Am I being mean? DH feels very much that he is being invited because the other boy is at a loose end, whereas our ds is perfectly happy and busy and occupied at home.

I have a similar situation where my dds friend (7)from school lives around the corner and is allowed out and about. I dislike the child for no particular reason I should add I just find him irritating.
He has just started turning up at our house after school and wants to play. I have tolerated him up to now but am finding it harder.
He is not a bad child and I am not worried about him in that respect he is more likely to pick up bad behaviour from my children to be fair, but I would rather she didn't play with him. I am struggling with myself not to try to discourage the friendship because it is not fair on my dd, but it is really hard!!!!

My ds is only 20 months but we are surrounded by kids who play out in the street. They are obsessed with ds and are constantly hanging around outside our house, looking in our windows and knocking at the door, very annoying! When we open the front door, they try to come in! The older girls are not too bad as they understand that ds is not allowed to play with them and do back off, but there is a 4 year old and her younger brother, 2, and they are becoming a nuisance! Personally I would not allow my 2 year old to play in the street with all the hazards that are about, but the mum just takes in her stride and I find it quite frightening to see him wandering about. Luckily ds is too young to understand but when he is older and can play out, I'm not sure I would want my ds to play with them and certainly not under the supervision of the mum!

I've just logged on to mumsnet discussions for the first time and what prompted me was exactly what's being discussed in this thread. My elder daughter is BESOTTED with a girl who lives a few doors down from us, and whose parents are very good friends of ours. It's like a huge passionate LURVE thing, with my dd (4) playing the victim/over-enamoured one, and theirs (5) playing the cool, nonchalant, slightly bullying one. We have some mutual childcare arrangements as well as the families meeting by choice, AND they are at pre-school all day together - so they are quite enmeshed. My dd is always bereft when theirs leaves our house, she seems to be really grieving and I find her behaviour towards this child really out of character - she becomes completely spineless, subservient, willing to do ANYTHING. It terrifies me and shocks me that a child so young can feel SO passionately and I always get angry - on her behalf I guess but guess who gets the brunt of it? Any advice apart from the obvious of cooling the relationship - and I think the only way to do this would be to move HOUSE!!!!!!

Hi lasib- it sounds awful in that your daughter spends so much time with this kid and there seems little you can do in the way of keeping them apart in an unobtrusive way! I think I might be considering minimising their contact a little- maybe limiting your contact with the family as far as you can without your own friendship suffering. Could you see the mum/dad/whoever your adult friends in the family are alone sometimes instead of the whole family meeting up?
The only other thing I can suggest is making sure she has plenty of exposure to other kids on a one to one basis, so at least she can experience different friends and one day she might start to have a more equal relationship with this little girl. I suppose it's important as well to talk to her in a non-intense way about friendship and what good friends are made of. HTH.

Sounds horrendous though! Must admit to a shameful childhood recollection of absolute besottedness with the truly odious son of one of my mum's friends. My character changed completely when I was with him and we were utterly evil to my poor wee sister. Childhood can be a difficult time, even for lucky kids, I think.