12 month old showing signs of aggression - help!

[Georgeous]

My DD, soon to be 1, has always been very easygoing and gentle until the last ten days/two weeks. She developed a cold and was teething last weekend, and was exceedingly grumpy, which I put down to illness. She was throwing stuff on the ground, shrieking, struggling - which I didn't mind but she seems better now and the bad temper has continued. This morning I took her to a play group and she was being very possessive of me, and the toys, so much so that she even started slapping some of the other babies. I was really appalled as it does look like it's motivated by aggression. I don't know what's caused it or how to stop it but it's a worry. The other mums didn't look very pleased at all, understandably. I feel her personality has changed and wonder if it's something I've done, but my partner and I have never slapped her, and don't intend to, so I'm baffled as to where this behaviour has come from. Help!!

Welcome to toddlerdom...

You think it's normal then? That would be a relief!

yup, totally normal.

At this age, and for quite a while, distraction is your best weapon. Say a firm no, and divert her attention immediately to something else. Move her if necessary.

If she was to be really, really persistent despite disraction then I'd take her out of the room with you for one minute and tell her "no hitting".

But always move on straight away. Don't allow yourself to worry about it as a real problem and thus 'stew' on it too much; it's totally normal, it doesn't mean she's going to be like this for long!

Thank you so much HonoriaGlossop! That is really good to hear. I was beginning to worry that I just had a little bully on my hands. I will definitely try the distraction method, that sounds promising.

I do wonder why she does it though. Do you think that humans just have inbuilt aggression?!

Maybe, and I think it is just a case of having to learn the social rules. It is hard for kids this age; it's to do with the ego and stuff (she said knowledgably)Iirc it's freud's ideas;

id is the unconscious mind, basically a child of this age is acting as that dictates; the ego is (I think) about our perception and how we relate to external reality, and the superego is the bit of us that develops to allow us to gain a moral, social understanding.

I'm not a psychologist so that may be a very layman's attempt at explaining it but I think it's helpful to remember that it's all part of human development; your dd can't develop that superego yet, that lets her understand the social rules and others having feelings, etc.

That's why it's just not worth worrying about this phase; it doesn't mean you don't DEAL with it, just that you remember it's totally normal; she can't be any other way, yet.

That's really helpful, thank you so much

And very well put too.

I feel your pain Georgeous.

I really feel as though my whole day today was spent dealing with dd (17 mths) thumping other children, stealing their toys and pushing them over.

I give her a firm, calm "NO" and move swiftly on. I sometimes comfort the other child if they're crying, particularly if I know the child and mother well - I hope that this might reinforce to dd that hitting or pushing doesn't get her any attention and -even worse! - might get the other child attention from her mummy.

I appologise to the other mother, and let them know I'm aware.

I'm a bit at my wits' end really. It's not as though dd doesn't get any attention from me. It's not as though she ever witnesses hitting or pushing at home.

It's just so deliberate. This morning we had a good friend over to play - similar age and size. Every time the poor girl picked up a toy, dd would race over to snatch it back and push the girl over. That I can sort of understand - she is being territorial and doesn't want to share. But this afternoon we were at another friend's house and dd just seemed determined to push the little girl. Dd doesn't even laugh or get cross, she just does it really deliberately and seriously.

Gah. Am rambling. Am trying not to get stressed about it. It's a hard one though because if another child were hitting or pushing dd over my mummy instincts would HATE it, and however understanding the other mothers are I'm sure they're fed up. I worry people will stop asking us to play.

Yes, that's hard. I know what you mean. When I mentioned it to the other mums at playgroup, their response was simply "oh". It made me feel as if none of their children have ever hit another child. All I can say is try to take comfort from what Honoria said in her posts - it's a normal stage of development. It's funny because until my DD started behaving like this I assumed that a child that was hitting had seen an adult do it - but just like in your house - my DD doesn't witness any hitting or pushing at home.

The fact that your daughter isn't cross when she does the pushing is a good sign. Maybe she isn't really being aggressive, but just acting out cause and effect? My DD is being aggressive though, as she is in a temper when she does it! I just hope that she grows out of it if I act appropriately.

Fingers crossed!

This is still really upsetting me. We were at a party yesterday and she started slapping other babies again when they were after the same toy. I said "no" and took her away and distracted her with another toy, but it's just really upsetting. She is also very grumpy, frowning, whinging, crying all day long. This has only been for the last two weeks. Previously she was a very adaptable, happy girl. My baby's had a personality transplant!

I feel your pain, my daughter was the first in her group to learn how to hit. They'll all figure it out in a few weeks though and those mums making you feel like your DD is godzilla will be just mortified.

We've had good results with telling DD 'gently' every time she smacks something and showing her a gentle touch. It doesn't always work but sometimes she does stop and think before she whacks another kid.

Also, your DD is probably still teething, they have a lot of teeth coming around now and it makes them bad-tempered and clingy. I would try to keep things as calm as possible, maybe skip playgroup this week, and if she is around other kids just stick as close to her as you can.

Good luck, it will pass!

i second the "gentle" idea. when my boy is getting a bit bite-y we say "kisses, not biting, kisses..." (someone on mumsnet suggested this! thanks whoever you are!) and framing the negative in the positive gives them another option of something to do. also, my boisterous big 12 mth old is ridiculously sociable, he's not aggressive, but he's always leaping on the other children and pulling their hair etc. (especially afro-carribean hair cos its so curly)in one of his books there is a line about "gently, gently, brush the hair" so we always repeat this and he remembers and goes gently. mostly.
my friend has 2 little boys and the older one was really pushing all the other little kids and she was at her wits end. after checking with her first, next time her son pushed my boy i told hers off whilst she comforted my DS. her boy was pretty startled, wheras with her he had just become nonchalant.
anyway, after a couple of weeks of comforting the other children he stopped doing it. much toddler behaviour is to get attention from their parents, so her actions not resulting in that should, hopefully, mean she gives it up as not being rewarding enough. also, make sure when she IS gentle you really really praise her and give her heaps of attention so that is worth doing!
good luck, you arent alone and nor do you have a horrible child.

Thanks for the supportive words JoyS and MaeBee, it really does make a difference. I think she is teething - much dribbling and chewing of hands. Poor little thing.

The other thing she is doing at the moment is shrieking in a high pitch all day long. I mean constantly. It's really starting to wear me down. I try to isolate the problem, is she tired, frustrated or whatever, but she just carries on. It's her first birthday on Sunday and we have some other little babies and their parents coming over and I have started to dread it as she seems much worse when there are lots of people around!

I will definitely do the "gentle" approach, and I make sure she doesn't get any attention from aggressive behaviour. When ahe has slapped me I say "no" and put her down and walk away. It's just so draining

it really does sound like its a phase and not a personality change! these things seem like they last forever, but its probably a short blip! my dp claims i always see a new pattern of behaviour when its really only a couple of days! thats not at all to belittle how anxious it must be making you, but it sounds like you are doing all the right things and your little one sounds like she's having some painful issues, but you are supporting and loving her through it.
well done!

Thanks Maebee. You're probably right that it's just a phase, it's just tough when you're in the middle of it I suppose.

Everyone tells me that the terrible twos are worse

I try to look at the positives too - she is also very affectionate and funny, when she's not shrieking or whacking someone!

My ds is 1 the day after your DD - 15 oct, and he's been going through just the same thing.
he's not been hitting, but has become very stroppy and throws things around, and scowls, which is very unlike him.
he's cutting his canines - we can see the bumps, and they seem to erupt a bit, recede, come back a bit more - on and on, and he's having a nightmare - like you said, he seems to have changed.
thing is, though, when the teeth aren't doing anything, he reverts back to his usual self, so i'm sure your dd will too
it must really hurt - i remember my wisdom teeth coming through, and i was an adult at the time, so imagine what it's like for somebody much smaller, who's unable to say anything or ask for pain relief
let's hope they both get their fangs in time for halloween!

Hi Georgeous ~ like other mums have said - it is a stage. My DS is a bit older (20 month). Recently he has come home from daycare with teeth marks on his arm. It happened on 3 occasions already. I was upset at first thinking (now, you?d think I blame other child who bit him?!) that he was greedy and didn?t know how to play nicely or maybe was the one hurting the other kid, etc. When I spoke with his daycare teachers (and a friend of mine who's a pediatric psychologist) - they all explained that it is a developmental milestone. My kid didn?t provoke it. Nor it was the other kid?s intentional fault. Unfortunately at this age kids' desires and emotions are more advanced than what they can verbalize and express. Out of frustration comes hitting and biting.

She is a bit too young but maybe you want to look into doing some sign language with her? Just like simple words - "milk" "hot" "more" "done"
Kids understand sign language sooner than they can interpret spoken language. It might help her to begin communicating sooner and might alleviate some frustration?

Also, you said she was sick a few weeks back. Have you checked if she might have an inner ear infection? If she does - those are very painful and can also impact how kids behave. Plus, if there is any fluid that is collected behind an ear drum - it causes pressure and might disturb how she hears (it's like hearing under water). All that together would upset an adult, let alone a child. Fortunately - none of it is dangerous and is easily treated. Just look into that as well.

Good luck - I'm sure your little bumble bee will turn into a perfect lady in no time

Thanks guys. Minou, good to hear someone else has a child this age behaving differently. Katendmom, we have actually just started Sing and Sign classes! I'm hoping they will help her to communicate so she doesn't need to shriek so much. I am going to take her to the doctor anyway, so I will ask him to check for an ear infection while I am there. Thanks for the advice. Sorry your son's being bitten, hope that resolves itself soon I guess children just aren't all that civilised eh?!

Not civilized at all. I felt all broken-hearted about my bumble bee being bitten... until I saw him whacking another kid on a head with a tow truck... I think it was unintentional but at any rate - not like my child stopped and apologized or seemed to even NOTICE! Kids, I'd tell you!

Just one more to pipe in to say that I feel your pain. My dd (21mo) has taken a liking to smacking in the last few months and I find it mortifying. I know it's completely normal toddler behaviour but it's hard to accept it. The worst is when she grabs the other child by the hair and won't let go. Ouch! I fear that she's going to be a bully but should probably calm down and recognise that it's relatively normal behaviour. I do the "gentle", "no hitting", etc stuff and do see her stop herself sometimes, especially when she feels the urge to hit me (her arm goes up, she stops mid air, and then strokes my leg). Working towards no-hit children. We'll all get there one day.