Daughter 21, do we cut off contact?

[Yespresh]

21 year old daughter took a chainsaw to her apron strings at around 16. We have lurched from drama to crisis since then. Drugs, drink, trashing places she has rented, two abusive boyfriends with police involved, piercings that bled so much we had to go to A&E, ruined Christmases where she has stomped out after not receiving gifts she was expecting, drug dealing from a car we supplied to her as we moved to a rural area, self harm mid teens which has since stopped as far as we know. This what I can remember easily.

She moved 3 hours away from home with the last abusive boyfriend who she has finally got away from. She has a well paid job in sales and rents a flat.

The problem?? Well when she does come back here she causes trouble and upset. We tiptoe around being careful of what we say as she kicks off at any perceived injustice. I have just had a big operation for stage III colon cancer and she is unable to show empathy or care. Last night she wanted me to watch a film with her called ‘Miss You Already’. I Googled the synopsis and one of the main characters dies of cancer. She was unable to see why I didn’t want to watch it and had a strop about it. So roll on this morning, I am in bed and she announces she is leaving as apparently I “havent been very nice to her”. This left me baffled.

Ways we have tried to help in the past. GP, NHS counsellor and private counsellor via private medical insurance. She is now 21.

To be honest we have tried so much and husband and me have agreed today o say she cant stay next time as we will be away that weekend. I am waiting for chemotherapy, I feel like shit. We cant understand why she cant be nice and I cant cope with another ruined Christmas.

PS Her brother is 25, still lives at home and cant work her out either.

It sounds like you’ve labelled her the black sheep. That might be at least party a reasonable response to her behaviour, but the way you include stuff like abusive boyfriends and bleeding piercings in your lists of marks against her does seem to suggest you no longer judge her fairly or have a significant amount of empathy for her.

I think if you do want to save the relationship, the first step would be accepting that it’s very likely there’s blame on both sides of the equation. I fully believe she was an unusually difficult teenager, and can understand how you might have got to this stage, but you are also her only mother.

If you feel like you can’t sustain a relationship, she’s an adult and it’s your choice, but cutting off a daughter who still wants to see you is a very extreme act. Would family counselling be something you’re willing to explore? I know I’ve spent most of the post challenging you, but your daughter clearly has a serious empathy deficit too. You’d both need to commit to making changes.

I am so sorry you are going through this, OP.

It must be so tough to have to face what you're facing and on top of this have a very difficult adult child who shows no empathy at all.

Will cutting contact give you peace? Say, and I honestly hope this won't happen, but say in a year or so if you got told your cancer is terminal, would you regret cutting contact? If not, I'd say go for it.

If yes, perhaps someone has to talk to her about your diagnosis seriously. Maybe she is in denial and doesn't want to believe it's real.

Be kind to yourself and do what is best for you. You are going through one of the hardest things people go through, and however you decide to do this is okay. Wishing you all the best