How do I help stop 9 year old DD lashing out

[Midlifemission]

My DD got into trouble at school yesterday for lashing out another girl when they disagreed during a game.
It doesn’t happen often but once or twice a year we have an issue at school and I don’t know how to help her come up with ways of avoiding this.
She is feisty and likes to get her own way - her behaviour isn’t by any means awful but it’s always the same sort of issue that comes up and she seems to just have a ‘red mist ‘ moment and lash out .
I have seen it Happen with her younger brother over lockdown too and despite me suggesting alternative responses we still end up with her hitting out !
When we talked about it last night she said she feels really sad as she finds it hard to be ‘good’ and feels like she can be a ‘mean girl’ .
I reassured her and said I would try to help her with some different approaches to try .
Thanks for reading - Any ideas anyone ? Is this common at her age or should she have grown out of it by now ?

It doesn’t happen often
her behaviour isn’t by any means awful
just have a ‘red mist ‘ moment.

I just wanted to point out your comments, if you are doing this so people don't judge your daughter then ignore the next part. However if you are saying the same things to your daughter, you are essentially justifying her actions.

I am normally for rewarding good behaviour, but it is very difficult in this case. We all have red mist moments, but there is still a degree of control. You have to be very firm and remove something that she values for a long time. She has to understand to control her emotions, if you don't when you are older and see the red mist, you go to jail.

@Tacca thanks for your reply.
I don't think I use language that downplays the issue - but was trying to indicate that this is an isolated though serious issue with a child who is generally sunny, happy and conforms to boundaries etc.
I have no experience with other /older kids at all so genuinely was looking for ideas on how others would handle this - am very worried that as you say it needs addressing as it becomes more and more serious the older she gets.
We have taken the tablet away but to be honest I am not sure she really cares about that she will happily entertain herself in other ways.
I feel I am treading a fine line between making sure the consequences are serious enough and her feeling like she is inherently bad and fuelling her belief she can't help it!

I understand, you did the right thing talking to her calmly and I picked up on your concern about her mental health in the first message if you gave her both barrels, which is perfectly understandable.

We have two 8yo girls and I explain everything to them calmly and even tell them why they are being punished and that I have to, otherwise I will be teaching them it is ok to do these things. I always ask how they would feel if another child did it to them, so they stop and think about their actions from the other point of view. I would even explain if adults do it what happens, but I appreciate you might not want to go that far.

Lastly if she isn't bothered about the tablet, you should pick something else. Treats, scheduled days our or a club she goes to, something she will really miss.

Malory Towers deals with a similar theme. Probably a bit of a ridiculous suggestion, but maybe worth reading/watching?

@LongDivision thanks for your reply and that’s actually a great suggestion she is a massive bookworm and had mentioned that series. I will give it a go.

@Tacca sorry to take so long to come back to the thread I appreciate you taking the time to follow up your initial thoughts. I think the tablet served its purpose in the end and she missed meeting her teachers new puppy so feel we made an impact there.
We have talked about it some more when calm and I think I got somewhere. The thing is she obviously knows it’s wrong, and serious but nothing seems to stop it happening - albeit rarely. Anyway I said that we need to keep working on it as the older she gets the more serious it becomes - and said if I did it as an adult my ‘victim’ could have me arrested no matter how much they provoked me. She was quite surprised by that I think ! We will see what happens moving forward but I feel a bit clearer and more confident handling future issues after posting.
I am glad I don’t have twins of her - that would be very challenging!
Thanks again!