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9 yo introversion

9 replies

BillyBunting · 09/09/2020 11:29

I've posted before about my DS and received lots of reassurance about being an introvert. I am an introvert, so is DH, but I really don't need any more reassurance about that. The fact is my DS is socially very isolated at school. It is extreme from what I can see of other children. It has got worse during lockdown - had to force him out of the house, say hello to family etc. And now he's back at school, it's glaringly obvious how different he is from his peers. He won't reply when people say hello to him (the few who continue to say hello!). He stands alone at playtimes gazing into space. He says he's bored. He says friends are good to stop you being bored but will not try and play with anyone. He says he has friends but they were from when he was 4 and they have moved away. We've tried gently to speak about it with him - he says he is shy and doesn't know what to say to initiate first contact.

I've tried ignoring it. On here, people have said it is my fault, trying to get him to be more sociable to meet my needs. There may be some of that, but today I have moved forwards on that idea. Of course I want him to have friends, one would do. Of course I would prefer he was more outgoing and so on. I accept he is a classic introvert: he prefers the world of the mind to the real world, loves nothing better than a day of reading, writing imaginative stories and playing role play games with lego.

Except, he is so alone at school. I just can't see how things will improve. He is nine now and can't say hello to people. In two years, he'll be at secondary with little to no social skills. I don't think this is a case of mum imposing ideas of 'normal' on her child. I suppose if I'm honest, I worry there is something deeper at work. What can I do, if anything?

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Tacca · 09/09/2020 12:22

It’s a long shot but if your school occasionally allows children to bring something in, similar to no school uniform day and you pay £1, I would talk to the teachers and see if he can take his Lego.

Nothing is easier to break the ice than something 2 children both love and I’m sure many of the other children will love Lego.

Even if the school don’t do it, I would explain the situation and ask if they can.

Another way would be to get to know some of the other parents. Once you know them well enough you can ask them if they or just their child wants to come on a day out. With only 2 of them there the other child will take the lead and play with your son.

AllWashedOut · 09/09/2020 12:30

Thanks for the ideas, Tacca. Pre-covid the school did have a lego box. I don't think it ever helped him branch out. With his cousins, he'll play sword fights, running around type activities. You're right, he is more confident with those he has an established relationship with. I've tried so hard to make friends with other mums and it has proven very difficult. This school is new to us (moved 18 months ago), mums have established groups, not looking for new friends plus I am also introverted, just not to the same degree as my son, lol! But to be frank, DS was exactly the same in his previous school and those he'd known since little. It's establishing trust, isn't it?

BillyBunting · 09/09/2020 12:30

Sorry, name change fail!

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BillyBunting · 09/09/2020 17:34

Any more ideas or similar experiences?

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Jannt86 · 10/09/2020 08:00

Have you enrolled him in any clubs like scouts or anything? They might just have more time for more socially directed activities than school and better opportunity to really share interests and team work etc. It will also teach him that he can make social connections in any walk of life and it's not the end of the world if he struggles in a particular setting. What is school's observation? Are they worried? A lot of primary schools have nurture groups etc which can help kids with socialising. I'd push for this sort of thing now as once he gets to secondary school it'll be much harder to get this support or even a teacher that knows him well enough to help. He'll get swallowed whole. I think from you personally he probably just needs support and a gentle approach. Be firm when you need to be eg if he starts saying he doesn't want to go to school and talk about the implications of not putting yourself out there but otherwise he's going to have to work it out for himself. Xx

BillyBunting · 10/09/2020 10:03

Thank your Jannt86. Words of wisdom. He is spectacular good at going under the radar. He really is the invisible boy in class. No teacher has mentioned anything other than he's quiet. He will put hand up to answer questions for example. He's much more confident with adults. There are no nurture groups at his school. I will speak to the head (it's a small school). The scouts was oversubscribed last year and this year I'm not sure they're reopening, though I will check.

With respect to support, I tend to stick with a few light questions: how's your day, did you speak to anyone etc and leave it there. But yes since lockdown he wants to be homeschooled! I will have to be firm there. I think homeschooling would compound his problems tbh.

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AladdinMum · 12/09/2020 22:49

Is he unhappy? is there any desire from him to want to socialise?.... or is he happy for things to be the way they are? just wondering if he thinks that it's a problem or feels lonely.

Jillyhilly · 13/09/2020 19:56

I think this is my son, 8, to a certain extent. I feel as if I’ve spent a lot of time encouraging him to do things and socialise, and he is happiest just mooching around the house with an iPad. I cannot ever recall him asking me for a play date. I’ve made them for him and we now have a regular play date with one child. I think he has a few kids in the playground that he plays with but there seems to be absolutely no drive to socialise outside of school, although he is sensitive if he doesn’t have anyone to play with for whatever reason. I have to work on my own thoughts and feelings about his apparent lack of need to socialise. I do understand where you’re coming from!

Jillyhilly · 13/09/2020 20:16

PS my son also wants to be homeschooled. I really do understand how hard this is. I think that these friendships with introverts need to be cultivated over a period of time and that’s not always easy. We are moving soon and it worries me how he will cope in a new school (although he says he is looking forward to it). How do you know he “stands alone at playtime gazing into space”?

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