Don’t know what to do with my 9 year old

[Stoptheworldimgettingoff2020]

Ok I know the kids have had an awful time recently but my daughter is going to send me in an early grave.
Bit of history, she was an only child until last year when after years of miscarriages I finally had my son. She did get a little jealous of him and thought he would be more exciting and wouldn’t need my attention 100% of the time. He is now 18 months old and they both love to play together.
Right so my issues, she has become really lazy hygenically never bathed or even brushes her hair, so this is a constant battle with us and I’m forever sending her back upstairs to brush teeth/hair. She plays out on front street with her friends and she knows if she leaves the front drive to come and tell me but recently she has just vanished then comes home 2 hours later and responds to me saying “what’s your problem”
she was playing water fights Outside in garden last week and when I went to put her clothes in the wash I realised she had weed herself! When I asked her about it she said she couldn’t be bothered going to the toilet!
If her friends knock on the door she runs out the door half the time without even putting shoes on so I have to shout her back in! I’m forever shouting at her about something. I feel that maybe she is trying to get attention.
Yesterday her cousins were here (similar age) so eden took them into my room (she knows this is a big NO NO) and used my make up to do silly faces! Then instead of washing it off scoop my really expensive moisturiser wiped it all over her face then wiped her face on my dressing gown! Leaving a massive, really thick brown Smear all over my dressing gown and used up all my moisturiser. When I asked why she did this she just shrugged and said she isn’t sure.

I have tried being nice to her, shouting at her, telling her how disappointed I am with her and now I’m not sure what the hell to do. Every time we talk it ends up in her crying and me feeling bad so I comfort her and say it’s ok when it really isn’t
I need help! I saw red the other day and had to walk out of the room, said to my husband he needs to deal with it as I was going to throttle her!
Help help help please xx

Children are far smarter than we give them credit, if she understands that every time she is in trouble all she needs to do is cry and you will hug her and tell her everything is alright, she will cry every time.

They also want to do what pleases them, but lack the knowledge of years of experience to know all of the dangers. You need to explain them to her and give her a choice that steers her towards the right decision.

This can be done either through punishment or reward. If she goes out without shoes or doesn't tell you where she is going, stop her from going out for a few days and she will soon remember her shoes and to tell you where she is going.

When she plays nice with your son, get her a little surprise reward. It doesn't have to be expensive, just her favourite treat and say how great she was.

There is no need for arguments, you are simply giving them a reason to make the right choice. The key is to do it consistently, if she doesn't think you will follow through with punishments she will choose the easy option which is to fall out and still get her way.

tried being nice to her, shouting at her, telling her how disappointed I am with her

Amen to the previous reply but in addition... How else can she get your attention? Do you (& her dad) prioritize 1 on 1 quality time together without it being related to her behaviour, good or bad? It can be a simple thing like always ensuring that you spend 30 minutes every Wednesday before bed as "her time" with one of you - big it up, ask her how she wants to spend her special Wednesday "Emily's night" (if she's called Emily, you know what I mean) and make it clear that nothing will interrupt it, etc.

I'm just wondering how she knows she's special.

A lot of what you describe sounds like teen hormones but also in younger children, needing reassuring that they matter. No matter what.

Thank you both, I have taken on board everything. I like the idea of “Edens night!”
We admit ourselves sometimes little brother takes a lot of our attention and she probably will feel a little pushed out as she was 7 when he came along so she had gotten used to our full attention for all those years maybe it has effected her more then we have noticed
She is definitely 9 going on 19!!!
We will start with the edens night and play board games with her, we do try and read with her most nights but she hates reading and it is all to do with school so it may not feel like attention for her rather then school work.
I will definitely work on my attitude with her as well and try be less shouty and try and explain more.

Fingers crossed being back at school helps and little man has gone back to nursery today so I may be a little less stressed myself

The laziness/ personal hygiene thing sounds normal - at least in my experience. 9yo ds would go weeks without washing if we didn't constantly nag him to do it. So too with pushing boundaries, to an extent. They're not still young children but not quite teenagers at that age, so they start to test boundaries around independence and authority. Ds is usually quite amenable to a frank exchange about why we expect a certain level of behaviour from him - so things like telling/ asking us before going off is essential for his safety and we're ultimately pretty relaxed as long as we know what we can expect from him. It also helps to ask him what his friends would say or do in a certain situation because they tend to care more about what their friends think than anything else at that age - so wetting/ dirtying himself would be somewhat embarrassing if he'd done it in front of his friends.

He does sod all around the house which does piss us off though - there is no way I'm going to raise a boy who becomes an adult and cannot do basic household stuff. We've just recently introduced pocket money and said what our minimum expectations are - really just tidying up after himself and helping us with some of the household chores he's old enough to do. In return we promise to allow him to spend his money however he wants, but we would like him to start to buying his sister/ cousins something inexpensive for birthdays and Christmas. Had he used my expensive moisturiser and deliberately dirtied an item of my clothing I'd have docked his pocket money and got him to wash the clothing so the punishment fits the crime.

In short, don't assume that her behaviour is all about attention. Some of it probably is, but a lot of it is a 9yo pushing boundaries.