Given up completely

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all

My son is 3. Just a few examples

Wrecking his bedroom - huge battle to tidy it up. Tried putting it all in black bags, he's perfectly happy to do that. Empties his clothes drawers and toy box every morning

Ripping books. Found one book ripped, took his books out his room and then he ripped one in the car. When I told him no he just smiles

Destroying things - for example foam paint rollers. Told him I'd be just a minute and when I got back to him he has ripped the whole thing apart

At pre school they asked me about independence at home. We have 11m old twins, he has to get himself dressed and everything. The teacher said he 'pretends' not to be able and/or listen

I've just given up. He responds to time out but it doesn't seem to have any long term effect. I give him a count of three to do something and if it gets to three I will physically make him do it - like a wee etc

Is there anything I can do?? At the minute I just ignore the huge pile in his room that he stands and laughs at when I walk in

I'm ready to throw in the towel and just let it bloody happen. I feel I've tried everything and nothing has got better long term

Any help and insights would be great right now x

OP I don't have any practical advice but your son is so young! And if you have twins could he be pretending not to be able to do stuff at nursery because he's jealous and wants to be babied like the twins?
He's very young OP and you so sound a bit frustrated - but do you think your expectations of him are too high? Or could he be trying to get your attention by doing things you've told him not to do?

I know it is difficult to hear but he understands perfectly what is going on, in fact he is in control.

For example we see as a count to 3 as a warning. They understand that they can do as they please when warned because they know they get a warning, second warning, final warning and 3 seconds countdown before any punishment happens. You are actually teaching them not to respond to you before the end of the countdown.

It comes across as he is desperate for attention. It must be very difficult having two twins and another child so young and through no fault of yours, he is getting far less time with you. His behaviour seems to be to get your attention no matter the cost/punishment.

Whilst it must seem very difficult to find the time at the moment, the good news is if he is desperate for attention he will respond really well if he gets it for being good. He will start to behave very quickly if you can reward him with your time when he behaves himself.

I would suggest asking him to help you do some simple tasks to help with the twins, get the nappies/wipes or clothes. Then make a big fuss of him when he does it and tell him what a great help he is. That will help him have a healthy way to get your attention and also bridge any jealousy issues with the twins getting your time, if he has any.

Watch some Super Nanny videos on YouTube she’s brilliant. But whatever you do don’t give up!! If he’s a nightmare at three then you will have no hope for the future.
Children need to know you are in control. They need boundaries. As the poster above said he needs positive rewards as he is clearly acting up for attention and needs positive attention.
Seriously I’d watch super nanny. Good luck

Op this is meant kindly but your expectations are not normal. Admittedly there's a big difference between a well articulated nearly 4 year old Vs slower than average verbal 3yr 1 month old... But I have generally quite big expectations of mine in terms of not damaging stuff, not making a huge mess etc... And your expectations are completely over the top!!!

A 3 year old cannot "wreck" a room. You need to childproof it better, give him less access to stuff you don't want messed up, and less unsupervised time (pop in playpen if needed even if they throw a tantrum if they can't stay clean and safe for a few mins)...

Don't give up on him, it's your expectation of him that's completely out of kilter with every child I've known!!! (Advanced children as well as those with fairly strict old school parenting like me!!).

Your child smiling is him just knowing he got attention and a reaction from his mum i.e. utterly normal without the brain function to understand ripping is bad (after all, some destruction like ripping gift wrapping is treated with smiles!). I've no idea why you're even leaving stuff like paint rollers in his reach then blaming him for touching and experiencing them, he probably likes the interesting texture.

Really upsetting to read your post tbh.

Also agree to the super nanny suggestion, you can get old episodes online.

OP what do you mean you physically make him do a wee too? Are you potty training? I don't think that would be helpful to try to force him to do something he may not be ready for, and whilst he is probably a little old to be potty training if he is jealous of the twins I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if he was regressing to get the same baby attention as they receive

if it gets to three I will physically make him do it - like a wee etc

I'd missed that bit in the op. What does that mean???

Please get help to get a handle on his behaviour otherwise the twins will copy and you will have three out of control kids.

I think there's an element of him being insecure here, possibly because of the twins. My 2YO is perfectly capable of getting herself dressed but I don't force her to do it at this age. If she does it fab. If not then I take that to mean she is telling me that she needs something from me that I haven't quite given her yet today and I just help her. I wont be expecting her to pick out her own clothes and get dressed without my help etc until much closer to school age. Like pp have said this is still very young and a lot of it is still very much about filling an emotional bucket as well as practical help. The room trashing and everything I think just try and deal with positively. Don't leave him alone in rooms. If he trashes something then don't tell him off but just make a big point of the consequence he's chosen eg 'oh you've chosen to destroy that roller. That's a shame because mummy was going to paint with you but we can't now' and praise him when he does get it right and emphasise how much fun you've had with him. Do you get out as well? I think a daily trip to the park or somewhere is a must for a kid this boisterous and having an active child myself I know what difference it makes. You're juggling 3 kids now and this is hard but remember that as far as your 3YO is concerned that's NMFP He is only concerned with his own needs being met and the more his brain is telling him these needs aren't being met the more he will push for them to be met. He's far too young to really appreciate that you have 2 other tiny humans depending on you. It's a tough job you have providing for them all but it'll get better if you just stay calm now. Good luck xx

Hi OP,

I rarely reply to posts but have a 3yo ds who can be testing at the best of times, just thought I’d share my views.

I think his behaviours are pretty typical. I feel maybe because you have really little babies you May have lost sight of the fact he is also still a baby really.

I don’t do “punishments” really because I don’t think they work, or at least they don’t with mine. If he does something that’s unacceptable I’ll tell him I’m not happy, take the thing away/distract him etc. I literally save my “not happy” speech for extremely bad behaviour such as hitting. That way it really makes an impact and he is almost shocked that mummy is sad. The other small stuff I just mutter under my breath and remove him from the situation. For example, he ripped up his book, I take the book as say “oh what a shame, this will have to go in the bin now and we won’t be able to read it again! Better not rip up another one because I love reading books with you!” Then I will put the books out of his reach. Slowly reintroducing and monitoring and taking away again if behaviour is repeated.

I explain it to my husband as “setting him up for success”. If he draws on the walls with felt tip is that his fault? No one has told him not to draw on the walls and it’s fun, the walls are white, this pen is green! Nah it’s our fault for allowing him access to the green pen and we will use this as an opportunity to teach not only ds, but ourselves.

Also, sometimes, if ds is being a real cheese ball, it usually means he just needs some hardcore interaction. Which I understand must be hard in your situation.

All in all, give yourselves a break, 3 children must be hard work.

Ok well I have an update

Potty training is slow but he had glue ear for a while and although his speech is catching up he's still not able to communicate when he needs to go. We are working on that.

Pre school say he doesn't listen at all to anything they say - which makes some very shocked to be fair

Also reading posts etc like with the foam roller I just gave him another. Easy when he can just get another and his own way

As for the room - we have taken everything out and now rewarding him with giving him a toy back when he's good etc if not we don't take things away - we just don't give

I'm going to do stickers as well. He's not a fan of stickers - he likes stamps on his hand but with a chart he might remember he can collect them. In the bath at night stamps wash off don't they? I'm still going to take the stamper when we go out though

As for timeout that will be saved for serious things like hitting etc

The super nanny sounds great. We are going to watch it together

Learning at parents is a good point and noted

XX

Another scenario- when I ask him to do something and he point blank says no - then what??

What I do (not saying this is the right approach) when he just refuses is explain why I need him to do it and what fun we will have once he has done it. Sometimes I use a high pitches squeaky voice and bounce around to show how excited I am (when really inside I just want to scream!).

Bribery sometimes works.

If I can make a game out of it I will. Recently we have started the “who can win at getting dressed” because he started to run off and refuse to get dressed.

If it’s something’s really important and I’ve tried all the above I will use force. I’ve wrapped him in a towel and pinned him and brushed his teeth before. I’ve had to physically wrestle him into his car seat.

Another scenario- when I ask him to do something and he point blank says no - then what??

Just say ok then I will do it and I will have the treat as a reward for doing it then. Do the task and afterwards sit down with a treat, win win if you ask me!

@AtLastEarwax

Another scenario- when I ask him to do something and he point blank says no - then what??

I think it depends entirely on what he's saying no to. If it's something you can restrict yourself then say 'ok I'll have to do it instead eg if mine won't stay still whilst she's eating a snack 'darling I will ask you once more and then I'm going to have to take the snack off you if you won't stay still with it' If it's refusing to get ready to go out 'oh well if we don't get dressed really quickly we won't have time to go to the park' and if it's.refusing to pick toys up 'oh that's a shame we will have to put these toys away for a few days then until you're ready to take care of them properly'. I'd make sure I'm giving choice but LIMITED choice for eating/what they wear etc so they feel a bit in control and if it is refusal to do an activity with me eg a jigsaw 'oh that's a shame I really wanted to play this with you? Is there anything else you'd rather do with me? Ok then I'll leave you to it and get some cleaning done and you come to me if there's something you'd like to play because otherwise mummy has important jobs to do' I think it sounds like your biggest issue is that you're a bit burnt out tbh and that's totally understandable with so many tiny kids. Is there anyone you can ask to give you a bit of respite or anything? You've got this either way. Just keep on trucking xx