Advice for parenting intensely emotional child

[slfk3]

I have three boys, aged 8, 7 and 5. My 7 year old has always been more emotional than the other two, quick to start to cry and will keep crying for a while. He is intense on both ends of the spectrum and very sensitive and empathetic. Lately though he seems to be even more sensitive, if he thinks he has done something wrong, even if no one has said anything he will run off and hide, wailing/sobbing that he must leave the house and/or die.

Sometimes that then escalates to him putting his hands to his throat and making choking noises. He will keep it up for a while(30+ min) and eventually calm down and be right as rain, as if nothings really happened but you have to be careful about trying to discuss it even then because it might set him off again.

I've been reading up on parenting emotional children but wondered if there were any had first hand experience, tips that may help? Does this get better as they get older? I'm feeling drained of it, and guilty/sorry for my other two children who sometimes have outings dragged down by one of his crying jags.

Oh yes, I've got one of those. Now an adult, still has panic attacks, but is now mature enough to see the whole thing from the outside and recognise it's an overreaction even though she may be unable to stop the actual physical reaction.

Stay very calm is the most important thing. Don't let them see it stresses you out. I found talking over it, very calmly, helpful, and then gradually steering the conversation onto dd's favourite topic to distract her helpful.
(Still works. She will phone me from London, struggling to breathe and after half an hour or so will be talking quite cheerfully about Hamlet.)
You will probably find your way.

Agree that trying to analyse it afterwards is usually unhelpful. Move on, don't show them it worries you.

As for siblings, I think if you treat it as a minor physical disability- like having a sibling with a bad leg, say- then they will come to accept it. I grew up with a sibling who had violent meltdowns in public and we took it in our stride: this was who he was, there was a reason for it, our parents would deal with it and we mainly got on with our lives. Don't be embarrassed about being seen in public, just explain calmly he's having a panic attack, it will pass soon.

Sometimes I think ds resented dd's dramatics, but on the whole he shrugs his shoulders and gets on with her life. It is essential though that siblings should perceive their parents as both fair and on top of it. You don't give in on good behaviour or treat their siblings unfairly just to avoid a meltdown. At the same time it is ok to avoid obvious triggers, just like it would be ok not to walk too fast if the sibling had a bad leg.

In our case, that part of the business was quite easy to explain as dd was both physically disabled and extremely sensitive. If ds could understand why she couldn't climb the stairs, then he could also understand that a certain situation would trigger her panic attacks.

Could he have ADHD? A symptom of that is rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

@corythatwas

Oh yes, I've got one of those. Now an adult, still has panic attacks, but is now mature enough to see the whole thing from the outside and recognise it's an overreaction even though she may be unable to stop the actual physical reaction.

Stay very calm is the most important thing. Don't let them see it stresses you out. I found talking over it, very calmly, helpful, and then gradually steering the conversation onto dd's favourite topic to distract her helpful.
(Still works. She will phone me from London, struggling to breathe and after half an hour or so will be talking quite cheerfully about Hamlet.)
You will probably find your way.

Agree that trying to analyse it afterwards is usually unhelpful. Move on, don't show them it worries you.

As for siblings, I think if you treat it as a minor physical disability- like having a sibling with a bad leg, say- then they will come to accept it. I grew up with a sibling who had violent meltdowns in public and we took it in our stride: this was who he was, there was a reason for it, our parents would deal with it and we mainly got on with our lives. Don't be embarrassed about being seen in public, just explain calmly he's having a panic attack, it will pass soon.

Sometimes I think ds resented dd's dramatics, but on the whole he shrugs his shoulders and gets on with her life. It is essential though that siblings should perceive their parents as both fair and on top of it. You don't give in on good behaviour or treat their siblings unfairly just to avoid a meltdown. At the same time it is ok to avoid obvious triggers, just like it would be ok not to walk too fast if the sibling had a bad leg.

In our case, that part of the business was quite easy to explain as dd was both physically disabled and extremely sensitive. If ds could understand why she couldn't climb the stairs, then he could also understand that a certain situation would trigger her panic attacks.

Thank you corythatwas, it helps me to feel I'm not alone. That's good advice re it being like a minor disability, it sure has the ability to have a similar impact on life.

I'm pretty sure it's not ADHD, he is really good at school, does well, no behavior issues, copes with sitting and paying attention etc., he is always worse when I'm around, I think he feels safe with me to vent what he is feeling in his own unique, sole draining way.

Hi op, I have a ds like this too. He feels everything very strongly, has huge imagination and ambition (always wants to build impossible things with his toys for example), but also absolutely huge fears and anxieties - way more than my other dc. Like yours he is also extremely empathetic and behaves well at school.

I just want to help him manage and learn to live with his strong feelings in a healthy way. But I’m not sure how to. He seems to like it when I mother him strongly - so even if he is having a huge strop that is ruining everyone’s day, I have learnt that telling him off makes him worse, so instead seeing it all as a sign of distress and so hugging him, talking firmly but reassuringly, telling him off
if needed but explaining what was going to happen next and how he would feel better soon and telling him I would try and distract him, and then just talking about something or other while still holding him - sometimes works. But not always, and still can really dominate time and my other dc do get fed up I think.

You say you have been reading up on it - any book recommendations by any chance??

Hi. My 6 yr old DS is like this. I am interested in any techniques to cope with it or help him as I struggle too, and worry about his younger brother being affected by it. DS1 has always had major meltdowns, and as he gets older they seem less frequent, but still occur and are as intense. It really breaks my heart when he gets so upset, and he now recognises that he needs and wants to calm down but says he 'can't stop' - his emotions just take over. I like the idea of talking about something completely different that they enjoy, I may try that to see if it helps. I do try to stay calm and have become better at that over time, realising he really can't help himself, but it is a struggle sometimes when these outbursts of crying and screaming can threaten to ruin a nice family day out.

Oh Donhill and FarmersWife3, I am totally in the same boat. I'm currently reading Parenting a Child who Has Intense Emotions by Pat Harvey, and I've also read The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry. The first more specific, the second more general but both seem to be in the same vain, that children aren't doing it to be bad, they just haven't got the skill set to cope with how they are feeling and that the traditional route of punishing, shouting, threatening, rewards etc., aren't going to work. Experience has taught me that, he does seem to respond to a firm, calm approach, and when he's calm I try and talk about how reacting as he did didn't change what had upset him, upsets him more and upsets those around him so maybe next time could we respond in a better way and we talk about other ways to respond.
I think part of the problem at the moment is it has been a very long time at home with little break for me and he has added in the element of death/dying and that pushes me over the edge as my Aunt had mental heath issues and eventually did die young.