Is my 17 month old son normal?

[bookworm1982]

Hi there, I hope someone can help as I’m feeling really upset about this. Basically DS2 is nearly 17 months and his behaviour is just awful. He hits, throws things, and bites. Everyone keeps saying to me that he’s too young to understand what he’s doing, but I don’t believe it - I really think he does it to be mean. For example, he’ll run over to his older brother, who is 3, with the remote control and smash it hard over his head. When I take the remote out of his hand and shout no very loudly, he just laughs and then grabs two fists full of his brothers hair, almost as if to say ‘ha I can still do this!’ He thinks the words ‘no’ and ‘stop’ are hilarious - never once has he responded to them with anything other than a crazy laugh. I’m being told by friends that it’s obviously because he doesn’t understand no yet, but he understands loads so I can’t believe it’s that. It’s the fact that he seems so determined to hurt his brother that gets to me. And he’s like this all the time - there aren’t many moments when he’s gentle and loving. It makes me feel like such a bad mum because it makes me not like him sometimes. His older brother was always so gentle and well behaved.

So what I want to know is, does anyone else have a kid like this at that age and did it pass? If I know it’s going to pass then I can deal with it, it’s just the thought that it isn’t a phrase and he’s actually going to be a horrible little shit when he’s older that terrifies me!

Not sure if this makes any difference but he’s also a terrible sleeper.

Thanks all xx

I'm sure it's pretty normal. It sounds like he's making it a bit of a power battle. I wouldn't get into confrontations I'd just calmly remove him completely from the situation if he gets like this and stay with him and explain that you removed him because of x behaviour and then mirror the gentle, kind behaviour that you'd prefer. How's his speech/understanding? Could it be communication frustration as well?

What Jannt86 said.

It is sometimes difficult to remember when their intellectual development seems so advanced that their emotional and social development still has a long way to go. Your 17mo may well understand all sorts of things about fetching toys or identifying what makes you angry, but he hasn't got there when it comes to understanding that inside his brother there is a person that feels things the way he does. He has noted that a certain action of his gets a funny reaction out of you, he can't feel your feelings yet. It will come.

I know I'm forever telling this story but when my dd was 2 she told me quite cheerfully that when she was grown up she wouldn't have to have me for a mummy any more because I'd be dead then. Dd is now 23 and the kindest, most empathetic human being you can imagine. It was just that her very early verbal development (using the future tense correctly etc) made her more normal emotional development seem so incongruous.

Ds' little cousin pushed ds into the sea when he was 2. Ds was just standing quietly minding his own business and then there was a plop. Little cousin is now 19 and a lovely, caring young man. Hasn't pushed people into the sea for the last 17 years.

Your ds will get there too.

In the meantime, I would do what Jannt86 said. React as little as possible, remove him or whatever else it takes to stop the bad behaviour, explain why you're doing it and model better behaviour. And repeat.

Thanks for your replies. Very reassuring xx