Wife hit one year old

[WhosThere44]

One of the major problems my wife has is she is convinced that our one year old knows what No means and due to this should stop what she's doing as soon as we say no. We have baby proofed our house, but she insists that she knows what No means.

When our baby was on the way, I started studying children, getting books, looking online/in forums etc which has all gone unappreciated as she has been through this but I haven't. I know that 1 yr old doesn't know what it means and she is still learning. Others know this too around us. Yet my wife INSISTS that she does.

A couple of days ago, our one year old was in her play pen, reached out and grabbed our new kitten and held her up as she has been since we got her (wife was given as a gift). I just came back in and my wife told her off, took the kitten off her and smacked her on her hand hard, resulting in her crying, then comforted the KITTEN!!. I immediately comforted her (she insists against this by the way as I am "spoiling her"), and told HER off for hitting her. I explained AGAIN she doesn't know, but she insisted that she was not in the wrong and would do it again in the future if necessary.

She then said I was the bad parent and left. We're talking now but I just don't get it. Since then I haven't felt right at all, I know I am right but my stomach feels sick to the core. This has happened once before, I told her off again and it stopped. She has experience with other kids and is convinced her way is right, and I don't know what to do. Can anyone please advise me?

Didn’t want to read and run.

There seem to me to be two different issues here. One is you and your wife disagreeing on the level of comprehension your child has, and whether or not they are deliberately ‘misbehaving’, and the other is the use of hitting as a discipline tool. I think it’s probably important to separate them out?

I don’t know exactly how old your child is (a 12 month old and a 22 month old are very different) but it’s quite possible your child does know what ‘no’ means. However, testing boundaries is all part of development and so young toddlers ignoring what they are told by their parents is inevitable. Reinforcing positive behaviour (including by telling children when they are doing something they shouldn’t be) is part of our job as parents.

I don’t think your wife is wrong to try and instil boundaries and teach your child things they should and shouldn’t do - but I do think she’s entirely wrong to use hitting as a way of doing this.

Maybe discussing with her and separating out those two issues might help? x

I agree that there seem to be two different issues here. If DD grabbed and picked up a kitten I would be very firm with her and with myself because she shouldn't be left unsupervised with an animal when she is too young to understand correct boundaries when interacting (I know how hard this is as DD is 8 and a half months and obsessed with the cats but has no idea how to be gentle so I am constantly monitoring them because despite her in gentle ways the cats are determined to get as close as possible to her). So on the one hand your wife is absolutely right to be concerned about your daughter around the kitten but it's really up to her to ensure that she doesn't grab the kitten before she does.
Having said that I absolutely don't advocate hitting anywhere as a punishment and feel very strongly about this.
As an aside your daughter may well understand no as PP pointed out but she probably doesn't quite get it or remember it like you or I would.
If she can't be trusted around the kitten (and I would be amazed if she could at her age) she needs constant supervision when they are together and you and your wife need to intervene before it goes that far
(Also I do agree the kitten did need to be comforted if it had been hurt, it too is just a baby and not a toy)

Oh and there is a lot of telling off between you and your wife - is that just a turn of phrase or do you actually tell her off like an errant school child? ( DH and I would have very serious issues if either of us did this to the other).
Hitting is a real no go but I think you two seem to have a few other issues to consider also

I think there's an elephant in the room here. If it was a man who'd hit this child would the response have been as sympathetic? A baby doesn't care if you're Male or female. They just care that you've abused them and broken a vital trust. You can't hold a kid to standards you don't meet yourself. It's an oxymoron to try and teach a child to treat another creature with kindness and respect by inflicting pain and humiliation on that child. I strongly urge you to stick to your guns about this and keep telling your wife that this is NOT acceptable

Yeah agree, hitting a child is a big no-no. No matter what your gender is.

A kitten is a fluffy moving target and it's the parent's responsibility to keep both cat and baby safe. What you are describing is a double-fail. She failed the cat, and failed the baby.

On a different note, my 10mo knows "NO" very well and although he does not always listen or follow through a strict "no!" when I see a clear potential danger (i.e. him trying to grab one of our cats by the ear/tail...) gives me enough time to react and fix the situation.

So I think that you are correct, one should not hit a baby for any reason whatsoever but I also think the baby knows a meaning of "no" and you should expect her to at least look at you and consider her next move. If you get to a point where you keep saying no-no-no and there is no consequence you'll be in trouble later.

PS ITO 'knowing what no means' the chances are that she does know. My daughter at 10MO would look at something we'd previously told her not to touch and shake her head at it as if to remind herself not to do it.... she might still then make a beeline for it anyway Just because they understand no at this age though doesn't mean that they have anywhere near the executive functioning skills needed to always follow it through. It will take years before they are truly able to do this. You teach them it with gentle encouragement and guidance and praising them when they get it right not hitting them when they get it wrong. Eg my little one is mostly pretty gentle with our cats. She's had her moments where she's got a bit overexcited with them but we deal with it by showing her ourselves how to treat the cat nicely and making a big deal of stroking them nicely etc and removing her if she does get rough. You're expecting too much of a 1YO to always know to treat the cat gently. You don't need to punish her or shame her if she gets it wrong just mirror how you'd like her to treat the cat and remove her and tell her why you removed her if she gets too rough.

@Jannt86

I think there's an elephant in the room here. If it was a man who'd hit this child would the response have been as sympathetic? A baby doesn't care if you're Male or female. They just care that you've abused them and broken a vital trust. You can't hold a kid to standards you don't meet yourself. It's an oxymoron to try and teach a child to treat another creature with kindness and respect by inflicting pain and humiliation on that child. I strongly urge you to stick to your guns about this and keep telling your wife that this is NOT acceptable

I don't think my response was sympathetic to the wife hitting her daughter? I was very clear that it's unacceptable and also that it's the wife's responsibility to monitor the baby and kitten, not punish her for something the wife is ultimate responsible for. If I gave any sort of impression that her response was ok then I can't reiterate enough who unacceptable I find that. I do think that the parents have an off way of talking to each other and using language about telling each other off - I think it points to other issues within the family unit.

As others have stated here, maybe on some level the child knew picking up the kitten was wrong however they also need to test boundaries at this age (any age, heh) & it is after all by touching & ‘playing’ that small kids learn. They just don’t have the self control that we do. So I also think that gently & firmly removing the kitten but not hitting the child is the way to go. Your wife, if she carries on in this vein, may well damage her relationship with her child over time. A bit presumptuous of me, but do you think your wife has “anger issues”, for want of a better phrase? I would suggest being gentle with her, empathize with her that teaching a child is hard, but demonstrate when you can your more gentle approach with your child. Your wife may secretly pick up at thing or two from you, though she may not like to admit it! Good luck.

It depends if your child is just 1 or nearer 2.

Children go through a phase where they know what "no" means but they may test parents to see if "no" always means "no" or use it to get the parent's attention. Have you ever seen your child about to do something forbidden like touch the DVDs on the shelf but look round and see if you're watching what they are doing first?

"Hurting " a pet is serious but your wife is responsible for keeping baby and kitten separate and perhaps practicing "gentle hands" with baby so they get used to the idea that we touch pets gently. It is completely unreasonable to expect such a young child not to want to grab something that moves and tbh the kitten got hurt because of her.

Hitting as punishment is not ok at any age. Hitting (violence) as a consequence of being rough only teaches that mum is stronger and don't get caught next time and is counterintuitive anyway.

Perhaps next time she could consider giving kitten lots of attention (kids normally want all of the attention so losing attention is a consequence that they won't like) or leaving the room?