7-year-old playdate disaster

[LaMigraine]

I'm tearing my hair out here. 7YO DS has just finished another disastrous playdate where he just didn't want to share any of his toys. His poor friend was saying 'Well how about this instead then?' but just got no after no after no. DS shut himself in his room in tears/frustration/anger, literally clutching this toys to him, while the friend looked on in bafflement. This happens with pretty much every playdate apart from with his best friend - I suspect because his best friend is very gentle and compliant and basically goes along with anything DS wants to do.

I've tried to talk calmly with him, both outside of playdates and during them, i.e. in today's situation, to find out what's bothering him and try to find compromises. He always says he doesn't want them to get lost or broken (neither of these things have ever actually happened with friends) or to have to clear up the mess afterwards - I tell him every time that I will help with this. I get that it's somehow a control thing and have suggested things like, well you choose a selection of things that you can both play with and put others ('precious' things) aside, or you take turns to choose what you play, but it always gets to the point where literally everything is out of bounds and he will only ever agree to something he wants to do.

Getting cross and trying to force the issue is pointless - once or twice I've got frustrated and ended up doing this but of course it doesn't work. I just don't know what the solution might be - it's understandable at age 2 or 3 or 4, when they're still little and have trouble sharing, but he's 7.5 now and things show no sign of improving. He's not an only child (his sister is 11) and he's absolutely fine at friends' houses - I always get nice feedback about his behaviour - but of course that's because it's not his toys/things being played with. Any suggestions for help would be so much appreciated, as it's hugely stressful - both for me and for him, and obviously no fun for the poor kid who's visiting either!

@LaMigraine that is interesting (sorry, hard too). Is it his idea to invite the kids over to play? Does he want them to come over, but not to play with his things?

How is he with his sister, if she touches his things, does he get upset?

Would perhaps a box of "playdate" toys that you randomly assemble/buy/get second hand work? Something that is not "his" but is bought specifically for the purpose of the playdates?

Thanks for replying @ZooKeeper19! Yes, it's his idea to have them over, he regularly complains that his sister sees her friends more than he sees his (which is true, but that's because she's 11 and considerably more independent!) He definitely wants them to come, and to play with them, just not with his stuff. It's not even particular things, just anything, even something he hasn't picked up in literally a year or more. The thing is, because of the age and gender difference, his sister isn't interested in his things really, so that's not an issue that ever arises.

I like the idea of a playdate box of toys in theory, but in practice it would be tricky I think, unless we hid all his 'normal' toys every time a friend came round - because they'd be in his bedroom and the friend would be sure to say 'oh those are cool dinosaurs/Lego/car track, can we play with them?' Also, sometimes he's really looking forward to playing with a particular toy or set of something with his friend - until the friend happily agrees, then DS suddenly does a U-turn...

It's a tricky one. I don't have any experience really with this. I would try to tell him that he can have his friends only if they can play with all his toys. And when he makes a fuss and starts saying no, the friends will leave. But then again I do not have a child that age so not sure if that is even a viable option.

Other one is to have the playdates somewhere else (even if it's in the living room) to see if this would work, and have him make a box of toys he wants everyone to play with.

Nevertheless I sympathise, it's a difficult situation.

I don’t have experience with this but at 7 he is surely old enough to understand what a playdate is, if he doesn’t want to share his toys, he cannot have a playdate. It is not fair on the other kid.

I don’t mean this in a mean way, but it is what it is, he is surely old enough to understand this and he cannot do it, then the natural consecuence is not being able to have playdates.

The problem with the paydate toy box is that he won’t be learning that in a playdate you need to share your toys and the consecuence of not doing it (not having playdates). He will keep not wanting to share his toys.

I also have a 7.5 year old and if mine did this on play dates I would just explain that there would be no more plays at home because it’s no fun for his friends but we can do meet ups at the park or whatever, and when he’s ready to share his toys, we could have people round.
I’d also ask him if he can come up with some solutions as to how to proceed, because if he wants people to come, then it should be up to him to figure out how to make it fun for his guests.