7 year old dd - attitude or something else

[Bonkersornot]

Hi there this is my first post on here and I am literally at the end of my teather with my nearly 8 year old dd.
I am unsure whether the behaviour she is presenting with is just literally poor behaviour or I keep having this niggling thought about Something like mild autism.
To summarise, she has always been a very anxious child, generally going through stages of having a particular anxiety ...when younger at
Pre school, this was fire alarms, and her anxiety was quite extreme to the point I dragged her into Pre school screaming as she was worrying about a potential fire alarm test (I think the noise scared her). Subsequently she has had anxieties about school nurses/ doctors , fires, attending clubs - for example every swimming lesson we have high levels of anxiety beforehand wondering if it will be her usual teacher or not...I think she spends a lot of the day prior to the lesson worrying about this....
Every school year starts with a really difficult transition period as she finds the change very difficult despite remaining in the same class throughout primary.
She never seems massively happy unless she is going shopping to get something new, eating food she likes or playing a game on her iPad.
She has a best friend who she is very reliant on, and can’t cope if she plays with others as she wants her all to herself. I’ve tried numerous play dates to expand her social network and she does have other friends, but she I’ll always revert back to this one friend of possible which can Cause issues for them both as her friend is very much a social butterfly.
She just seems ‘off’ in her social interactions - she can instigate interactions with others but these often seem slightly inappropriate and immature at times from what I’ve seen.
She will often tantrum and run off if she is upset about something. There are a few adults that’s she seems able to have good relationships with but if she is unsure of the person can come across quite rude and often butts in on conversations despite me telling her to wait her turn.
I suppose at this age I thought she would have more insight into this, but I feel that actually as time goes on she seems much younger than her peers despite being one of the eldest in her class.
However, the issue I have is knowing here to go with this. My husband doesn’t feel there is a problem and won’t support me on discussing it with anyone, but doesn’t see her day to day interaction as much as I do. School have not reported issues other than her start of year anxiety and some anxiety in the classroom but she is reportedly quiet and well behaved in the classroom at least.

I have tried lots of positive praise when she does do well, and have numerous conversations on kind ways of talking and different ways of saying things so that they don’t come across as aggressive or mean but it’s almost as if she can’t control it....

Any suggestions for this mum at her wits end? I feel her behaviour is really affecting our relationship as to be honest whilst I love her I don’t really like her as terrible as that sounds 😢

Hi @Bonkersornot,

I can see why you are concerned about your DD and why you're thinking about autism, her responses to change and her levels of anxiety do sound unusual and you see that her social interactions seem odd and immature.

The things you list that make her happy are probably things where she feels safe and comforted, things she can rely on to enjoy. I am guessing that she just doesn't feel safe or comfortable in other situations that you would expect a child her age to enjoy - doing new activities, socialising with other children her age.

Try not to get angry and dislike her for her poor social interactions. Whether she has autism or not she can't help it. Given how sensitive and anxious she is, it is likely that she is as frightened and worried by her social errors as you are and she feels very out of control. The social world may be confusing and frightening to her and she knows you don't approve and she may not really understand what you are rewarding her for.

Try to ignore or pass over her errors and rudeesses as much as possible and keep on praising her successes as you have been. But this may not be something that she can learn quickly. If she tends to interrupt adults you may want to agree on a hand signal. Try not to pick her up on mistakes because if she feels you are constantly watching and waiting for her to get it wrong that can make it worse. There are books and websites on social skills, for example I thought some of of the free material on understood.org looked good - you might find some of it points at issues your DD struggles with.

Covid permitting, will she join in an activity club, or a group like Brownies? Just having some kind of regular activity is good for most children and organised activities are often better than unstructured play for kids with social issues. Don't make her do too many though - once a week plus school may be as much social demand as she can manage.

It's probably worth talking to her teachers specifically about her social development and how she is around the other children at school. Sometimes schools have support groups for children with social difficulties. You could also speak to the GP and ask for a referral. With your DH maybe focus on the fact that she seems unhappy so much of the time, it doesn't have to be so hard for her.

Thank you @AmaryllisNightAndDay for your really helpful response... you make some very good suggestions and I think I do need to work on my own frustrations (and perhaps not worrying as much about other parents judgements so much) which could be setting her up to fail in situations almost before we’ve even begun.
I think I will either speak to the GP or school nurse to get some advice as I’d rather do that than put it off and it become a bigger issue as time goes on.
And yes maybe something like brownies might be a good thing to try with her ...I’ll chat to her about it...it’s a balance between doing some level of out of school activity and not overloading her and creating more anxiety for sure.
Thanks again .... I so want to help her so she can hopefully feel more happy and comfortable 😌