Help - My 18 month old is pushing me over the edge

[Mummy200219]

Hi all. I need help. Let me start with that my DD is 18 months, she’s funny, confident, SUPER energetic and can be so loving. But MY GOD I cannot deal with anymore tantrums, it’s ruining motherhood for me. I thought I was a patient person but clearly I’m not. She’s a fantastic walker and loves to walk everywhere but every time we go for a walk it ends with SCREAMS, lying on the floor, kicking then squirming out of my arms when I eventually have to pick her up and carry her home. Looking like I’ve kidnapped her! The screams are unbearable. It’s so embarrassing, I know all the neighbours feel sorry for me as it’s every day without fail. My daughter will walk in every opposite direction to me, I’ll take her out for ages in hopes she will tire so it means no tantrums walking home but nope, she’s doing stay out all day if she could. She sees danger and walks straight towards it then has an absolute meltdown when I get her away. She won’t hold my hand she won’t follow me if I say bye she waves and goes in the opposite direction. I look forward to organised family days out to the farm, park, beach etc then I immediately regret it, she makes everything so hard and me and my husband always come home deflated and disappointed that the day was a disaster. She hates being put in a car seat, getting her nappy changed, being put in her pram, it’s all a battle. I’m actually too scared to walk with her anywhere now or take her on days out. I look at other parents with children her age and I get jealous that they seem to actually enjoy their days out together. I love her so much but I’m actually sitting her in tears after dealing with another meltdown after taking her for a walk this morning and it ending with both of us crying after another awful tantrum. I want to enjoy being a mum and making memories but everything just seems awful and hard atm. It’s even put me off another child which I always wanted. Has anyone else experienced this? Is this normal behaviour and I just need to man up?

How is her communication? to tell you what she wants, and to share experiences with you? ineffective communication at this age can lead to frustration which can then lead to tantrums.

Her communication is quite good, she will point or take me to something she wants or where she wants to go. I feel like the challenge is that when we’re out she’s such an explorer she just wants to go where she wants and for how long she wants (which I’ll let her do for a little while) but as soon as I try and redirect her to something else she fully kicks off! I can’t even distract her with anything else and she’s inconsolable! I am really trying to work on her talking so it increases her level of understanding when I’m trying to talk to her. She’s so loving with me but it’s just like a switch flips and she just goes crazy!

She is totally normal it is a difficult age. They do grow out of it but honestly to enjoy family days beach etc at 18 months is asking a bit much. Those times will come but for now you do just have to ride it out

Can you use reins so she can be a bit freer and explore without physically being able to get into danger?

Big obvious one - is her behaviour better or worse at different times of day?

(Is napping a problem, is she getting hangry?)

It may be obvious but until someone else spotted something similar in mine I was so worn out / close to the details I hadn't stepped back and done some stuff that to basic observation by an observer seemed obvious!

18 months is a difficult age. I think to a degree you just have to ride it out but there are some things that may make it easier:

• Identify triggers. Is she hungry or tired? Quite often the point when you want to come back is also when they are starting to get tired. Is she still napping? Are you sacrificing naps for days out? I made this mistake a lot thinking that life shouldn’t rotate around nap time and that my LO could sleep in the car/pushchair etc. Sometimes she did, but when she didn’t it was hell.
• Take her places where she can safely run around to her hearts content. Places with lots of potential hazards just aren’t fun with a toddler.
• Develop a consistent warning routine for when you’re going to change activity or leave. She may not understand the actual words but she’ll get to know the routine.
• Make sure she does have a routine in general. Life can be pretty confusing for a toddler and if there is a discernible pattern to her day it may help.
• Has she got a favourite healthy snack? If I can feel a tantrum building I can quite often head it off with an apple. She loves it, it takes a while to eat and it changes her focus.
• Accept that there will be screaming and howling in your life for quite some time yet. It’s just one of those things toddlers do. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. Learn to wait out the tantrum without getting flustered.

also 1 tip that i read on here a while ago (i think it was in a section for older kids/SN) was mirroring, it has been a revealtion

if a tantum is happening because they want a sharp knife and aren't allowed it (say), or have to go and wash their hands for dinner, echo it back. it's really REALLY helped us out when the embarassing, shrieking monster version of DC happens

"ok, so i see you're upset. you don't want to wash your hands. that's ok. if you wash your hands now you can have dinner soon with us."

"you're getting frustrated because i won't give you the knife. that's fine. you can't have the knife because it's dangerous. so you're getting angry you can't touch it."

.. or something like that.

this sounds a bit dumb but in addition to Lolalovesmarmite's comments above, that one practical tip might help here too.

I absolutely know what you mean! I am going to a very similar phase with my 20 month old.
Everything you describe we experienced to one extend. Maybe we don't have meltdowns every single time, but yes he runs towards the danger, runs in the opposite direction, days out or just simple trips to the park are soooo tiring for us as he wants the tricky, then changes his mind and wants to push his pushchair, than runs away, refuses to go back on the pushchair and we end up carrying him and dragging everything else. And we realized 50 minutes have gone since entering the park and we are only 15 metres away from the actual entrance....

We have find some ways to make it slightly easier, but there is a lot of bribery involved :(. When he doesn't want to sit on the pushchair if we are lucky one of us gets his attention by singing his favorite song but other times it's his water bottle or a biscuit. Same for his car seat.

When he gets frustrated for something we don't understand, I found out that if I pick him up and distract him by talking about something else/showing something else, that works. For instance yesterday evening he didn't want to go upstairs to sleep (normal in our house recently), and went into meltdown when I picked him up. But instead of going straight upstairs I went to the conservatory to show him that it was dark outside. I explained that when it's dark everyone goes to sleep, including his toys, the horse, our neighbor's little girl etc. He kind of engaged in the conversation, or at least he wanted to listen to what I was saying so he stopped crying. We slowly made our way to his bedroom still talking about getting dark, sleep time etc and we calmly landed on his bed (he still didn't want to sleep but at least he stopped crying and being loud ha ha).