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Feel like given up

Nevic84 · 30/07/2020 20:20

So please don't judge, right now I'm doing that to myself.
My son is 8 diagnosed asd and I'm not sure how much more of his behaviour I can cope with.
He is sucking the life out of me, I'm sitting sobbing wondering where I went so wrong.
I love my son unconditionally and will fight the earth for him.
He is destroying the family his siblings (10&5) suffer especially 5 y/o dd who has multiple health needs. He gets no greater pleasure than when she's sobbing and cowering as soon as I pull him about his behaviour he starts pulling faces at me or just laughing in my face I send him to his room he just laughs and refuses I tried to take him from room ( he's a big lad) he puts up a fight, I've been spat at, hair pulled, bitten called every name imaginable then 2 mins later he's back.
He's making me just want to leave and not ever come back.
Can't play board games ( terrible loser & can't take turns)
Tried exercise with him
I've removed his Xbox and he's smashed his iPad up again today!!
I know he's worried about Covid we have been shielding so that'll not be helping.
His 5 y/o sister asked him why he hated her today and that broke me.
His 10 yr old sister struggles massively with him. It's no life for them
There was dv from his dad towards me which he Witnessed a pretty horrific attack when he was 4 which he still remembers ( I had his dad jailed ) never went back.
Tried to raise him properly but I hate saying this and I know I'll get slated but sometimes I see his dad in him especially when he looks at me and tells me hates me.
I know he's 8 he's a child and I love him so much but I don't know what to do,
Camhs are involved there stretched and it's difficult he's such an amazing kid at school (apparently)
Hoping someone can help,
And sorry for terrible spelling and grammar I'm currently swimming in my tears Sad

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LouiseTrees · 30/07/2020 21:50

Oh my gosh. First thing, this is not your fault and it sounds very hard. Have you tried instead of moving him, completely blanking him (like he’s not there) and instead moving his siblings into another room to do something fun in there? So the message is if you are aggressive you don’t get attention.

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ZooKeeper19 · 30/07/2020 22:20

@Nevic84 so sorry, you poor thing. It must be heartbreaking, especially the part with your other two kids.

He behaves so well at school he then needs to vent his frustration at home :(

The only thing that comes to mind is is there anything he loves/is obsessed with? I'd try to encourage that as much as you can.

I would also (provided your other two kids and the rest of your close family are not in massive danger) ease up on shielding and get them out of the house as much as possible. I know it's easier said than done but it will give you some breathing space when they are outside and you can clear your head while walking with them, cycling, an activity that will get them some fresh air.

Other than that really just read as much as possible (I am sure you have already) on ASD and how to manage.

Sending hugs, it sounds like you are going through hell right now.

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Nevic84 · 31/07/2020 07:00

He had an obsession with his Xbox and he likes to play Roblox on iPad that's confiscated now although camhs said this wasn't a good approach as once he has nothing to lose their is no reason to behave, he openly tells me it's no fun been good!!! His 5 yr old sister has a life threatening disability which without medical equipment would die I feel there is a lot of jealousy towards her v long story short February 26th go to freeman for emergency heart surgery 5-7 post op stay was told mega complications don't get home still August 13th 24 weeks in hospitals,
He's always been difficult with sleeping , eating , expressing emotions don't ever joke around him !!!! He don't do Jokes, he's so literal and has zero empathy HE can also be the most loving amazing little boy who's scared of the world
Asd diagnosis in 2017 3 week sensory smart parenting course and off you go.....
it's the violence and mainly his intimidating behaviour fgs I have to take bloody diazepam to calm my nerves because of him. He's my boy I love him so much, friends and family are few and far ( think horrid Henry lol) soon as I mention his name, my oldest daughter 19 lives with my mum and he and my eldest struggle to be in same room together so going to my mums for respite is a no go, I always feel like I'm only been able to please one
I am honoured and completely blessed to have 4 amazing children (3 at home) but it's difficult to find enjoy been a mum and sometimes it's difficult to love him. He's lying next to me as I type ( he's on a mattress on the floor) and he is so beautiful I can't tell you how much I adore him, I DO love him so much . Am going to try going for a walk today first time is 18 weeks Shock hoping today's going to be a new day
Thanks got replies means a lot Flowers

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ZooKeeper19 · 31/07/2020 08:41

@Nevic84 sounds really hard, so sorry for your little girl, cannot imagine how hard that is.

ASD have empathy. We just don't know how to show it.

Please o not feel like you are failing, just because life gets hard sometimes (more often than not). You are doing your best and he loves you. No matter what he says.

He is very smart (that is usually the case) and you have to treat him like a smart adult. He is not a child in some senses. Sp taking away his fav thing won't work. He will calculate as he did and has zero reasons to behave. If he can play his games, he at least gives you a break.

Joking yeah, I know that one :-D It's hard for them too, because they can feel like the others are making fun of them.

How is he with animals? Does he like them? Could be a way of learning how to control himself.

I will say this though, your other children (the older ones) need to push their own boundaries and try. It is super hard and mostly uncomfortable but maybe there is an activity they can do together. If nothing else, the 19yo can help you loads with the other kids maybe.

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