I think my son hates me

[Merida1982]

So my LO is 22 months old. I'm pretty sure I had post-natal depression after having him. I don't really remember much from our first year together. I just know that it was really tough and I remember crying a lot. My husband says that I was still a good mum and looked after LO...I just don't remember and it's hard to believe. All I remember is hiding in my room, crying on the floor, whilst my husband hugged and cared for our little man.

This memory devastates me. Honestly, I'm crying whilst I write this. I am filled with guilt that I couldn't be the mum that he needed me to be. I have always believed that our son prefers my husband to me. However, lock down hit and I was furloughed. My son and I got to spend 12 solid weeks together. I really felt like there was a shift in our relationship. He was asking for me over his Dad (my Husband firmly believes that LO has always been 50/50 in his preference for us).

Sadly, since going back to nursery, it feels like it's gone back to how it was. At the weekend, LO literally ran past me saying "no, no. no!" as I attempted to pick him up. He ran straight to his Dad. This afternoon, after nursery, he said "daddy" like 70 times. He only said "mummy" when it came to bath time.

I feel like the worst mum in the world and that I must have done something so bloody awful. I really need some advice. I keep imagining leaving my husband and son because I believe that they would be happier without me (I have been with my husband for 20 years. He is my world).

I am surrounded by friends who tell me that they are literally the LO's world. Am I really alone? Am I such an awful mum that my son would attach to his Dad rather than me? I just need to know. I am so devastated by all of this and I don't know what to do.

You are a good Mum. Don't panic. Your DS sounds like a wee love and a bit cheeky. Which he should be - he's a toddler. He loves both of you and depends on both of you, it doesn't matter who he prefers as parent-of-the-moment, with toddlers that changes all the time.

You might have hidden in your room when it all got too much but you must have done a lot of babycare too, even if it's all a blur now. Your DH probably remembers more acurately than you do, when you're feeling down the worst moments tend to stick out and the less-bad times get forgotten.

Your LO has two parents who love him and care for him and are there for him. When you were ill with depression and struggling to care for DS your DH stepped up and made it possible. You and DH together are a team and the two of you together (plus nursery for daycare!) are way better for your little one than either of you could be alone.

Do remember to look after yourself. It sounds as if maybe you still have some depression. It wouldn't hurt to have a chat to your GP or health visitor, they might be able to help you feel less worried and less down on yourself.

I think it’s absolutely amazing your son has such a great relationship with your husband . My 17 month old goes through preferences too and that’s completely normal! You sound like you are doing a great job and have a happy boy!

You are a great mum. Kids are brutal at this age and seem to favour one parent, that's not to say they don't like the other it's just where there brain is at.

Yes, your pnd may have impacted some emotional connections at the baby stage, but you can build them up just like you did over lockdown. Could you plan more 1:1 time with him to keep that going? Children like consistency and routine, have a set time that it's the two of you.

Try not to get too disheartened when he runs to DH, try to watch with pride that they are both your boys, and your unit of 3.

Thank you. Decided to alter my work patterns so i will be able to spend every Friday afternoon with him. DH is also doing more of the life admin so I can spend more time with my LO.

Thank you again for your kind words. Xx

Please don’t be hard on yourself. I have also worried that I was not as empathetic to my son when he was a baby/toddler, but when I look back, I also wasn’t really coping (he was my first). Your son will ask for you on occasions that are totally unexpected. He does love & need you - if you weren’t there, literally half of his world would be gone. He is still incredibly young, and let’s face it, toddlers don’t have a clue about anything 😉 Continue to be a loving, affectionate mum & you will reap the long -term rewards. Get professional help if you think it’s affecting your overall happiness or ability to cope. But I agree, parenting just breaks your heart sometimes! You sound like you’re doing a fantastic job.