horrible 9 year old dd (sorry - quite long)

[DiscoFever]

my 9yo dd is really pushing me to the limit at the moment. Her attitude towards me is disgusting and has tantrums like a 3 year old would have. I try to difuse the tantrums but it is really starting to get me down.

Yesterday was a classic, she was sending an email to a relative but deleted it by mistake and her face screwed up, went red and she started crying. then screaming. I tried to put her in another room and told her to come out when she has calmed down but decided she wasnt having any of that and started pushing me away. i got her in there in the end. My dh had to go out unfortunately to visit his fathers grave (my late fils birthday) and she started crying about that. I explained quite curtly why he was going out but she has such a selfish attitude and really kicked off.

I sent her to her room minutes after my dh had left because i started to get really angry myself and unfortunately i swore at her which is something i cant help doing because i am getting both really frustrated and angry with her .

I ended up in tears yesterday afternoon and so did she. We made up but it all kicked off again at 8am this morning (a favourite of hers - to start playing up first thing in the morning which inevitabley makes me feel really low all day) this time, it was about her cardigan - saying it is too shiny and no, she wasnt going to wear and her hair was all wrong. I kept calm and just hurried her along but i can feel the tension rising in the house. The dynamics are all wrong. I feel like i am being bullied by a 9 year old child!

When we are not in the midst of tantrums etc we are like peas in a pod, really close and do lots of things together. She eats fresh healthy food, knows we love her and adore her and we have fun, its not like i ignore her in any way.

I really feel like walking away just to show her i am not mentally equipt to row to this degree every day and now i am breaking down which is not acceptable. I have taken away pocket money as punishment for this behaviour, not taken her to her favourite club sometimes if she has been vile, the list goes on. I am actually a really quiet person so to argue all the time is totally out of character. am so sad!

Oh dear. This sounds difficult and I really don't have experience as I only have a ds and he is not yet 2.

Sounds like she has become a teenager early! Maybe she will finish early as well and you will have peace by the time she is 15. Seriously though, have you noticed any changes which could be hormones. My Mum started periods at 9. Are her breasts developing early etc? Just a thought anyway.

She sounds frustrated - and is taking it out on you. I was like this as a teen, very unhappy at school and quite horrible to my Mum - our relationship is still difficult as a result: I resented her for not loving me at a time when I needed her, but I was being really difficult to love. There may be something bothering her which she is not talking about.

I bought a book recently called 'How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk'. It is really good. I am sure you can get a cheap one second hand on Amazon. It's really easy to read as I am not into these 'parenting' books, but have managed this one. I was reading it thinking I must read it again when Ds is older. It's really good on how to communicate and I wish my Mum had read it when I was younger because I really needed her, but being young/ confused/ angry I didn't know how to express it.

I think it is your responsibility as a Mum (sorry!) to try and get 'in there' with your dd but also accept the teenage tantrums if that is just what they are. I don't really know how to discipline that sort of behaviour, but the book is good at giving advice on that. Sometimes it is not about coming down hard (if that is not working) and is more about rewards than punishments.

Really hope this works out and hope you get some advice from people with older kids. I do feel for you...

thankyou. yes i know the onus is on me to find the cause and will think about that book. thanks. xx

here is the book

Poor You -- sounds exhausting! And I do sympathise. My 9 year old DS1 can be equally vile, and I sometimes wonder if it is some sort of early teenage thing? With my DS1 it tends to be his dad who gets this treatment; like yourself my DH is gentle and a quiet person, and it is quite surprising to see him reduced to shouting and on the verge of tears. Also DH and DS1 are very alike and close, so perhaps, like yourself and your DD, they really know how to push each other's buttons? I don't think you should beat yourself up about losing the plot as you sound like essentially you have a fantastic relationship with your dd. However, it does sound like you are getting into a bit of a cycle that needs breaking. I always think my DS is like some sort of Sci-Fi monster who feeds off our energy when we are angry and upset!! Iykwim?! I think ds gets quite a buzz (not a nice one) and let's out his anxieties & worries by letting rip at us. I'm not brilliant at coping with it, but I find anticipating 'explosion' times helps. Very often 'transistion' times (leaving house, going to bed) seem to trigger it, so I try to steel myself and remain as clam as is humanly possible. I know it's really hard, but if they haven't got anyone to argue with it does help it fizzle down! It's because your daughter loves you and feels safe with you that she can take her worries and stresses out on you like this!! Sounds like she is feeling perhaps a bit low in confidence just now, and perhaps also was worried about your dh being upset but didn't have maturity to express it.
I know it's not the most comforting thought in the world, but she is being like this because she loves you and feels safe with you!

i think this is girls tbh
my daughter trys and sometimes succeeds to rule the roost
i 'reign' in from time to time making sure she knows who is boss
i use the phrase 'bully' as she actually does bully me with her manipulation
you need to be firm firm firm..its hard but it is all that works for us

Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you are going crazy!

i wasnt sure which section to put this thread in so hence its under parenting and also this one! sorry to confuse you.xx