Does anyone have a 7YO DD like this

[SlumMumBum]

I'm tearing my hair out a bit here. I know lockdown has brought out all sorts of issues in all of us but my DD has been struggling for a year or so and I'm just not sure if it's a phase or if we need to look at her behaviour more closely.

My DD is very confident and outgoing. She is bright and doing well at school academically. However her social skills have always lagged behind somewhat. She struggles to maintain friendships and has regularly tiffs with the friend she does have to the extent that she is not invited on play dates. Whenever there is a party, there is usually an incident involving her, e.g. a child being hurt. On the enough odd occasion she does have a play date, it usually ends in the other childrens' tears.

All the games she wants to play involve her being the lead and if she doesn't get her way, there is a big shouting match.

She has a 3YO sister who she is almost exclusively unkind to. I know siblings are tricky at this age but it feels like she is vindictive at times, e.g. teasing and gloating about things. Today she had a neighbour over to play and while they were playing, she kicked her sister in the back and then squeezed the cat's neck when she was told off about it.

Her language and tone is stroppy and sarcastic, mainly directed at me, her mother. For example, she shouts "Mummy! Come here, stat!" Which she must have learned from a TV show. Whilst it is amusing every now and again, her language is pretty much always obnoxious. She is disinterested in most things except watching TV.

I have "love-bombed", tried being gentle, tough, but can't get my head around how best to help her.

I'm honestly at a loss. I feel like we are all on pins because of her behaviour. She can turn on a sixpence and then set the mood for the rest of the house for the day. The lockdown in some ways have been good as it has given her a break from the intensity of the playground but now that we are starting to socialise a little more, the same problems are arising.

Do I need to seek some medical help about this or is this the longest phase ever? I feel like she is becoming a "mean girl" which makes me so sad.

Bump!

Firstly I think you’re right to be worried about this. Stroppy language and general sulks and tempers are normal and ok.

Ending up with other children in tears or hurt because of her behaviour or actions is not ok.

I would start by going into school and having a good open chat with her teachers and asking for their views and help.

Thanks for your reply. It really is becoming pretty awful - her behaviour is mean to the point where I do not want to socialise as I'm worried about how she will be. We were invited to a picnic with some friends today but the thought of having to keep an eye on her in case she "turns" really put me off so I declined.

For example, we met some friends in the park and all was fine until she started laughing in a mocking way because her friend had some sticks on her trousers. When I told her to stop, she burped in my face. I now avoid taking her places as she so often causes a scene by either being rude to me, her sister or the child of the friends we are with.

I'm now conscious when she plays in the garden because we are constantly having to intervene when she is playing with her sister. Her language is often so rude or she is deliberately disruptive, e.g. barking loudly pretending to be a dog when I'm trying to talk to DH or her younger sister. We live in a terraced house with gardens all around and I cringe at the thought of our neighbours hearing her.

To be quite honest, she isn't particularly likeable which breaks my heart

How is she at school behaviour-wise?
Does she have a hobby?
What exercise does she get daily/weekly?

Could her "lack" of social skills be compensated by her being overly aggressive/confident/sassy while she is really just clueless as to how to behave in certain social situations?

Has she seen any help in terms of her behaviour (i.e. kicking a 3yo in the back and mishandling a cat).

This could be discipline problems. In this case, sanction her by taking away iPad time etc etc. This may not work if she has some sort of disorder like ODD or CD though. It’s worth looking up.

Thanks for your replies.

I did wonder about ODD but she seems okay at school and doesn't seem to have any issues following direction from teachers or other authority figures.

She gets plenty of exercise, she does sports regularly. I often wonder whether a lot of her behaviour stems from tiredness.

It's the obnoxious behaviour (for want of a better word) that concerns me the most - directed at her peers and her younger sister. I feel like it's hard to sanction because it's pretty much constant! We say things like "that hurts feelings, please use kind words" but it doesn't seem to register or is met with an eye roll.

I think she could do with some help but I've no clue where to start! Hence the post

@SlumMumBum can you get her referred by her GP to a specialist/psychologist? It might help to determine if she needs any support in the social aspect.

She seems to have the right kind of lifestyle, supportive environment at home, so the one thing that may be left is a professional assessment.