4 year old behaviour

[Overmylimit]

I just wondered if this is normal behaviour for a 4 year old. Every day she has a tantrum about things and goes into such an intense rage that it's really upsetting to see, her heart ends up beating really fast and her breath becomes short but once she is in it she is hard to snap out of it.

She is very articulate and bright but also tries to control everything when playing and if something clicks that she doesn't like then she says she wants to "start again" and then if things aren't exactly how they were the first time she will go into meltdown again. It's almost like some kind of OCD or something, but not cleanliness wise. She also asks me about things that I said 5 minutes ago and if I can't remember she will go into a rage about that and keep asking me what I said, then continue to tell me I'm wrong.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking really, just at the end of my tether and wonder if I am doing something wrong to make her behave like this, or if anyone has experienced anything similar.

I have two DDs with ASD and what you have described sounds like a meltdown, rather than a tantrum.

Meltdowns are the result of overload and an inability to manage their emotions. They are a loss of control, not a choice and they are distressing and exhausting. They often include an inability to process though or language so it's virtually impossible to communicate.

The repetitive questions can be triggered by anxiety. Getting the smae answer over and over again can help you feel calmer and safer when the world is feeling confusing and unpredictable.

Thanks for replying! It does seem like she is distressed and it's out of her control, she is not doing it on purpose either I don't think as when she is out of it on the "other side" as it were she says she doesn't know why she does it. How do you manage with your Dd's if something like this happens? I don't want to make it worse for her.

I don't think you can manage the meltdowns as such. You just need to allow them the run their course, being a calm, reassuring presence, and be there for cuddles afterwards.

We had to learn to manage situations so they didn't cause meltdowns in the first place. That means trying to identify what was causing the overload. For us they were usually busy social environments, sensory overload (e.g. clothes that feel wrong, perfume), changes to routine or plans, anxiety about school, having to make too many decisions (e.g. choosing clothes on a shopping trip), not knowing what's going to happen.

Often the trigger isn't the main reason for the meltdown. For example, DD2 had one when the toothbrush timer battery was flat and we didn't have a replacement. We had moved some furniture round and painted a wall that day so the change and the smell were big contributing factors and trigger was the upset was about the additional change to the routine because she couldn't use the timer. It wasn't a tantrum because she wanted to do the timer; it was distress because too much was different.

There's no point in disapproving of or punishing meltdowns because they aren't a choice. You can help by being vigilant to how things might build up and cause one and help her learn to recognise those things. In the aftermath, we usually ask for help to clear up several hours later because that helps them. Being the source of distress because you've had a meltdown can erode your self-esteem and having a way to make amends can help that.

Another thing that can help is describing and labelling their emotions form them. Tell her when you can see that she is starting to feel frustrated, excited, tired, etc, she she can learned to recognise those feelings herself and routinely label your own emotions and what you are doing to manage them to help her learn how to respond to her own feelings.

Thank you so much! I am already trying the labelling emotions thing so I will try and continue with that. Hopefully she will be able to manage things easier as she gets older, I hope!

Just bumping this as it's getting worse!

Have you manage to identify anything that might be building up her anxiety or overloading her and triggering the meltdowns? Sometimes writing down what was happened before them for a few days can help you spot a pattern.

Not really! Maybe I can try and identify something, it's usually over nothing to be honest!

it's usually over nothing to be honest!

That may be because the trigger often isn't the same as the cause of a meltdown. Try looking at what has happened in the lead up to the meltdown, right back to first thing in the morning or earlier.

It might help to try to have a couple of days where you stick to your normal family routine, avoid going out and make sure you let her know what's happening in advance. Make sure her clothing is really comfortable and food is familiar. Don't do anything spontaneous, even if it's something nice, and try to reduce the decisions she has to make. If she finds movement or deep pressure calming, provide lots of that thing.

If that helps and the meltdowns reduce, you have a starting point for noting what has increased her stress levels as it is reintroduced.

Just saw this and it sounds exactly like my son, who is 4 years and 8 months also. Everything's been more stressful for them as their routines and what they can control have been massively reduced by Covid - could that be a factor?

We try to preempt meltdowns by reading mood and try to provide snacks, being carried, chill out time etc before he asks for it or is already in the red zone. He's very ocd-like too at times - won't draw or colour because he gets very distressed if it's "not right", gets upset if a tiny tear in a snack packet, etc.

Panicosaurus, the disappointment dragon and The Red Beast are all great books which cover these sort of meltdown-type situations caused by anger, fear or disappointment and are very child-friendly. They're written for children with Aspergers in mind but are appropriate for children who struggle with meltdowns. Did she have any sort of intervention at nursery or similar?

It's tough and we have many days we struggle - you're not alone!

@Fellka sorry to hear you are going through the same, it's hard isn't it! Lockdown has definitely made things worse and she has regressed so much, I even gave her a baby bottle of milk the other day as I was at my wits end. I am also trying to preemt the meltdowns too now, which usually involves putting the TV on so she can rest nursery never mentioned anything but I will look at those books definitely.

@meltingnotsleeping we haven't done that much this week and there have definitely been less meltdowns, the one time we did go out, just to the park, she had one as soon as we got home. I definitely think she gets overloaded and overwhelmed with going out, although she enjoys it at the time as soon as it's over it is like a big release for her. Thankyou

@Overmylimit what could help is, when you go home from the park, take a slow walk and talk. "When we get home, we will take off the shoes, then wash our hands, then take off out clothes, then..." and just make a very detailed plan. Do not deviate from it.

Try to do this for everything you do. Tell her what you will do, what follows what. But do not change anything in the plan. (I know it sounds bonkers).