My 3 year old has turned into a tyrant

[JCams0]

Hi, I am the Nana of a beautiful 3 year old little boy. This angelic little boy has however turned into a tyrant for his beautiful, patient and gentle momma. He has started screeching at her if she has to chastise him for anything, he tells her he does not like her, he bangs, kicks doors and is causing his lovely Momma to be really sad and downtrodden. When he is on the reflection step, he says sorry and cries but in the next breath starts screeching again. He behaves the same for me if I have to chastise him but I can hand him back. Will it get better for her when he reaches four? Are other mommas in the same boat?
Any suggestions would be gratefully received as I did not have any of this with my son so it's all new
She is such a fab momma and I want her to feel happy again

Oh dear, how awful for his Mum!

It’s hard to say without knowing a bit more detail.

Have there been any changes at home lately?

No changes, just lockdown and she did lots and lots of activities with him

It's really difficult for this age to understand what's going on around them.. so much has changed but they understand so little and can't express their uncertainty in any other way than emotionally.

Try a focus on the positive behaviours rather than negative ones. My DS who's also 3 couldn't care less about stickers, but praising his good behaviours with coins does the trick.. and he loves saving up for a treat. Then for anything I'm trying to correct I do the old school count to 3, as the 1,2,3 gives him time to correct - which he usually does now - then if he continues and I try to 3, I take a coin out. Then we talk about why either then or at a later point.

We had to start this over lockdown as he was a bit of a whirlwind.

Pick your battles though, at 3 they do a lot of things you may not prefer, but if you're in a cycle of being moany mum all the time they don't listen.. and you feel exhausted.

Also books are a good way of getting a point across. I'm trying to encourage better sharing atm and we have a couple of stories about it. He seems to accept it more from a book.

Thank you, the coin trick sounds great. Will give this a try

Thank you, the coin trick sounds great. Will give this a try

It is not at all unusual for a 3yo to be volatile. A stressful or confusing situation, like currently with covid (or having a new sibling or something) may exacerbate this behaviour but it can also simply be a normal stage of development. If you think about it, reacting against chastisement isn't actually an abnormal thing to do: it's an age where children need to become more independent of their parent but have very little actual power and no negotiating skills. An older child can say "Yes, I understand you're worried but I think it would be good for me to try this and I promise I'll stick to any rules we agree". A 3yo has no more sophisticated resources than stamping his foot and shouting "I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!"

The best thing you can do as a parent is to stay calm and cheerful, carry on doing whatever you intended, take things away from him if need be, but not show him that he makes you sad or worried. That is too big and scary for a 3yo: he shouldn't have that power!

Doesn't matter how gentle and beautiful his mum is: she has taken on the job of being the strong unshakeable rock in his life. If she doesn't feel it she needs to fake it. Think about a good headteacher: they almost certainly don't feel that in control all the time, but they pretend they do and that gives them control.

A sense of humour helps enormously and can be used to distract him as well as keeping her sane (at the same time, this is an age where they're developing a sense of self so he really shouldn't feel she is laughing at him).

He needs to feel that he cannot break mummy, that she will ensure that he doesn't get to do things he mustn't, but that every day is a new day and she never stops loving him.

My dd was very difficult around this age. No covid at the time, but having a little brother was unsettling to her and she did try to hurt not only me but the baby as well. Had to shut him in a room with a high latch when I went to the loo because they really weren't safe to leave together. We got through it, she adjusted, they had a lovely relationship, we had a lovely relationship.

Your dd/DIL needs to hang in there, most likely it is a phase, she will come out the other end and he will carry with him the memory that mum keeps him safe even his own emotions.

Thank you for this, totally makes sense