Hugging toddler when they say no

[namesall]

I'm just after people's views on hugging toddler when they say no.

I was at my MIL's the other day and my 3 year old had a little tantrum. MIL asked if she wanted a hug and Daughter said no. She said "I know you don't want one, but you need one" and then pulled her on her lap and hugged her. There was a little bit of strain from my Daughter, but she calmed down and stopped fighting it. Then MIL was holding my newborn, and 3 year old asked her to give me the baby and started to get upset. I asked if she wanted a hug and she said no so I left her to it. MIL responded "sometimes she says she doesn't want a hug, but it's what she needs. She doesn't realise what she needs."

I thought oh that's a weird thing to do, so I google it and turns out it's absolutely normal and also apparently totally brilliant for young children to make them feel loved and secure etc when they are having a tantrum or whatever the issue might be.

In my head I was thinking that if my child says no to being held/hugged etc, then I always respect it because when you get older, it isn't normal for someone to touch you and make you do something you don't want to do physically (I know that might sound like I'm bat shit).

I just remember my uncle making me kiss him when I was about 6/7 (not in a sinister way) just "oh come here and give me a kiss before you go", and I remember saying no and running off and he would follow me and hug me and give me a kiss and I remember feeling totally grossed out and Like I just wanted him to get off me. (I am aware there is also a huge difference between a hug and a kiss).

But anyway, MIL has brought up 2 really well rounded adults. They are incredibly loving, giving, empathetic etc and generally just brilliant people. So I'm thinking maybe she is on to something.

Do other people do this? Do you find it successful? Apparently brilliant for dealing with tantrums etc and really makes them feel secure. I'm thinking of trying it if I can change the way my brain thinks!!

Just reread this and realise I sound f*cking nuts, but after other people's views!!

Maybe worth noting I grew up in a family that wasn't very "huggy" and I felt uncomfortable hugging others until I got older, so maybe that adds to it.

I can see.both sides i know im guilty of hugging my daughter after shes told me no. I try to just do a fast gentle squeeze & let her be. But on the other side i notice myself getting very pissed & feeling almost guilty, when I hear her yelling no when her uncle or older cousins or anyone ignores the first "nooooo000ooo" & just gives her what seems like a 5 minute hug with her whining & fighting them. We both know they are just doing it to piss her off but i get annoyed & snap then she sees that & so i try to avoid making a scene everytime.
Dunno if that helps or if its a cry for help?....hmm oh well its the truth

Thank you!

Maybe it is way more normal than I realised. If I get a few more "yes, that's what I do's", I will give it a go!

Really I suppose what harm could come from a Mum hugging their child when they are p*ssed off etc, even if they don't want it at the time.

Probably overthinking it 😂

It's not okay to knowingly tread over bodily autonomy just because you're older, or stronger, or related, or whatever. It just isn't. A random local example of 1 woman raising 2 kids who turn out okay isn't enough to negate that (a - you don't truly know how well adjusted people are, we hide shit from ourselves as well as others, b - it's 1 person, pull yourself together, your example might have gone badly wrong if a too friendly predatory family member / neighbour / whatever was in the picture).

Show me peer reviewed, academic studies that suggest treading over a toddler's bodily autonomy is healthy in the long term, with properly reviewed empirical evidence, I might think you're onto something. Do you have it?

@namesall I'd not do that to even a baby/toddler. As soon as they can credibly express their emotions and say no, it's their choice completely.

Stopping a dangerous situation is one thing (so holding hand on a busy road won't be discussed with said little one) but hugging/cuddling and similar - if they say no, it's no. How else will I ever teach them the meaning of "my body my choice" if I don't do as I say.

Hmmm. Tricky.

Obviously, we need to teach our children that no means no and that nobody has the right to touch them in any way if they do not want them to.

With this in mind, I wouldn’t force my kid to hug me if they didn’t want to. But i would keep myself available, perhaps sit next to them for example. They may slowly lean on you, lay down, etc and end up in a cuddle. And if not, at least they know you are there.

I can understand why you’re asking - but ultimately, letting family members force their physical wants (which is what it is really - your MIL doesn’t know how to calm a child without using physical touch) on to your child is opening up a world of danger.

She may not even be calming down - she may be stopping the behaviour because it is the only way to get her MIL to get off of her!

@BeccaB1981 I did state in my post that I thought it was weird. I think you've misunderstood the point of my post. I noted that I've felt uncomfortable when family members have done similar things to me.

I was trying to figure out if what MIL was doing was normal or if my initial feelings of being weirded out were correct. To me, it doesn't feel normal. I certainly wouldn't be letting a predatory person/neighbour/someone I didn't know or trust act this way.

I don't like the idea of hugging/kissing my children, when they say no. I try to teach them not to do it to other kids if they say no so why should the rules be different for me. They normally do want a hug but as you've mentioned it's normally when she has a tantrum she says no and that's when my kids say no too - they are 5 years old. They don't really have tantrums but when they are in a bad mood or if they are really annoyed that I've said no to something they want (sweets, more ipad time etc). I tell them that I am ready for them when they are ready to have a hug, kiss or talk things out. They always come out to get a hug after a few minutes.