No father

[LolaBB]

Hiya 👋

Anyone out there who grew up without a father and turned out to be happy and free of major traumas because of that? Maybe because you had a great caring mother? How do you feel in life overall for not having a father (present or not knowing who he is or not having any contact at all)?

I grew up without my father. I know who he is and did have contact when it suited him. He actually decided to get up & move to another country when I was 2.5. Never came to say goodbye neither. My mum used to write to him about how I was doing etc but never got anything back. It wasnt until I was 8 when his mother contacted my mum to say he was coming home to visit and asked could he meet me which I remember vividly.
Growing up I always knew about my dad and as I got older it did upset me that he only got in touch when he felt like it. At 34 it's still the same and I recently had kids. Whilst pregnant with dc1 he decided to have a heart to heart and tell me this made him realise he wanted to be more involved etc... Once he got back to his life in the states I didn't hear from him again unless I contact him again he'll reply when it suits.

But in all honesty I'm actually glad he didn't bring me up, I think I'd actually have preferred not to know who he was rather than how my life is with knowing him. As it does hurt to think your own father doesn't want to know and now I've to think about how to explain all this to my own children as I can see hes gonna be in touch with them as and when it suits and I dont want them feeling the same way I did as a kid and now woman!

But I was very close to my grandfather. My mum was very young when she had me so her parents helped bring me up. My granda treated me more like a daughter and he was my father figure and a great one at that. So he covered that aspect of my life until I lost him to cancer 17 years ago.

I think the most important thing is to make a child know they are loved no matter what and have one reliant parent. Families these days come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and so long as the child feels happy and loved that's what they will remember. That's certainly how I feel... I was loved and cared for conditionally and when mum married my step dad who I actually call my dad took me under his wing. I consider myself very lucky my real dad didn't bring me up. Hes selfish, hes a real love himself character and always looks after himself first. I learned that when I was 16.

My mum never bad mouthed him, she just let me see the real him in my own time and at 16 I seen it with a conversation he had with me and a few other things. I've tried to have a father/daughter relationship with him bland it goes great when hes here but once hes outta the country again its white noise until his next trip home 3-4 yrs later. I'm done with that now and trying to work up the courage to tell him!

I really appreciate your reply! As I was reading I felt like it was my son in the future writing this, because I feel like it's exactly what's going to happen. I feel like his father will show up as it suits him. He wanted a family with me, but because he makes me so unhappy and miserable, I left (even though I still love him), and I think in his head that's not ideal. He wanted the family. So once he isn't gonna get the full package, I feel like he's just gonna drop it all.

NC just because probably outing for other posts. No contact with mine whatsoever. Not anyone's fault as such it's just how it turned out. Honestly hand on heart has never bothered me. I had (and still have!) a wonderful close relationship with my mum. Felt I could tell her anything growing up. Also like pp, close with grandparents (mum and I lived with them for a while when I was a baby). Never had any feeling that I would want to go and find/meet him. I get that people do, I just don't feel anything is missing. My world was complete. What I do really regret is that mum's on her own, am sure she prioritised me to the point that she gave up on this (she did have a couple of LTR when I was a child but she has been single for 30 years now). In term of me I (hope!) I grew up relatively normal! I mean obviously I have hang ups and worries and things I get irrational about just like anyone, but I would not attribute them to lack of a dad. Worked hard at school, reasonable job, gone on to marry a lovely caring man and we have a baby, who mum sees lots of. I don't think things would have been any different with 2 parents instead of one.