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Sensitive issue - Racism from 4yo

6 replies

AnnonymousMum · 10/07/2020 10:45

Firstly apologies if this triggers a reaction in anyone. This post discusses racism. I've created an annonymous account because I'm worried about backlash. Please be kind, as I consider myself an antiracist person and this has troubled me deeply.

When my then 3 year old started nursery last year, she made lots observations about the skin colour of her classmates. Despite growing up in a multicultural area, going to toddler groups etc with children from diverse backgrounds, nursery seemed different to her for some reason. She began to say things like "I don't want X on my tricycle because she has brown skin", or "X can't be Elsa because her skin is the wrong colour", I don't know if she ever said anything at nursery because no-one mentioned it but this was at home after.
I tried not to make a big deal of it but explained that everyone is different, but not on the inside, different skin is just like different eye colour etc. We have always had diverse books, so we read more of these, I bought her more dolls with different skin tones etc and encouraged positive relationships and friendships with children and families from different cultures. I had hoped that we had moved on but recently she told me to give one of her black dolls back to Granny (this dolly was mine when I was little and much treasured!) because she "doesn't like the look", and admitted that even though she's "not bad to them" , she "doesn't like the look" of her friends with dark skin. She hasnt seen friends since March so it's not something she's heard recently. I don't know how to deal with this. I always believed that racism at this age began at home, but this has not come from us. My older son's best friends are a very diverse bunch, and he has no issues with prejudice.

I need to tackle this before she starts school in September, but I don't want to risk making it a bigger deal.

Please please help.

OP posts:
Murphy07 · 13/07/2020 08:53

You should probably talk to the nursery about it as she may have heard it from somewhere?

You should tell her off and make sure she knows comments like that are wrong. Talk to her about how all people are equal and how all skin colours are beautiful. Ask her why she doesn't like the look of people with brown skin - has she had a fight with one of the kids?

And maybe try getting her to watch films/tv with heroines of colour. It sounds like she doesn't get enough exposure to this from her Elsa comment. Princess and the frog and Moana are good - Disney needs to up their game with representation though!

Buy books with main characters from different cultures and read these with her.

Good luck and I hope this phase passes!

crazychemist · 14/07/2020 14:50

I feel like she must be repeating something she’s heard somewhere, those don’t sound like the sorts of things 3 year olds come up with by themselves. Worth speaking to your DD about it? (Bear in mind you might not get any useful answers)

I’m not sure I’d tell her off about it though. 3 year olds are very malleable, and pick up attitudes very easily. I wouldn’t want to make it a huge big deal needlessly, I imagine she doesn’t really understand why what she’s saying is wrong. Correct it gently, but focus on positive things - arrange play dates with a variety of different children if possible, keep exposing her to lots of different cultures (as it sounds like you have been doing in the past)

@Murphy07 out of curiosity - any recommendations for books with main characters from different cultures? My DD is also 3, and I haven’t come across many that are pitched at her level.

Murphy07 · 14/07/2020 15:18

@crazychemist

Here's some I'm planning on buying a few of these for my 1yo, though she might be a bit young:

  • Ruby's worry
  • Happy in our skin
  • The Mega Magic Hair Swap
  • Mae among the stars
  • The proudest blue
  • Shine
  • Julian is a mermaid
  • Pink is for boys
Smile
Pujabee · 14/07/2020 18:06

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AnnonymousMum · 15/07/2020 06:21

Thank you all for your advice and support. I did ask my daughter at the time whether someone else had said this to her and she said no, which is why I didn't bring it up at nursery. Of course she may have heard it somewhere, but she certainly didn't seem to remember. I told her that it is wrong to treat anyone differently based on how they look. Now I'm largely focusing on positive representation and hoping that this will improve things.

Some books we have with diverse protagonists:

Izzy Gizmo by Pip Jones
So Much by Trish Cooke and Helen Oxenbury
Handa's Surprise by Eileen Brown
Goldilocks by Nick Sharratt
The Magic Paintbrush by Julia Donaldson
Princess Mirror Belle by Julia Donaldson
Ellie's Magic Wellies by Amy Sparkes

OP posts:
kellybean18 · 15/07/2020 08:15

She must have picked it up from somewhere, I would definitely raise it with the nursery.

I’d be inclined to be a little bit firmer on this (sorry) and explain that these comments are ‘racism’. Tell her that it’s not Ok and she can upset people very much. You don’t have to scold her but as you say if she starts school and says these things I would imagine that is what would happen.

I think combining the books, movies etc with a zero tolerance of any racist comments is probably the way to go.

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