Advice! What do you do when 3 year old misbehaves?

[andtellyouofmydreaming]

Wanted to know what others do when your 3 year old does something they've been told not to do or misbehaves in a way they know they shouldn't.

I have a 3 year old son and 6 month old daughter. Mostly my son is delightful (!). He's happy, sociable, chatty etc etc. And pretty compliant.

But he has just discovered he doesn't have to do something when I ask/tell him to!

For example this evening, I asked him to shut the door quietly. He said he was going to slam it. I said no you're not. And he then deliberately slammed it twice.

The only times I've done something for negative behaviours is whenever he is unkind to his baby sister (occasionally he'll be deliberately rough... Or sit on her...!) I send him out of the room and then he comes back when I say he can, apologises, and it's done. My thinking is that if he can't behave in safe way with her and I am doing something with her then he can't join in.

But I don't know what to do about the deliberately being defiant as not quite the same.

I feel really uncomfortable with confiscating toys/naughty step/behaviour charts etc but need to have some way to respond. And I'm a teacher and find it tricky to work out the parent way of doing behaviour!! My husband thinks there needs to be some punishment like being sent to room or corner or having toys taken. But I really don't want to do this - I'd prefer a negative consequence than a punishment if you see what I mean. So we're trying to work out what to do.

What do others do?

For the door slamming thing you could get down on his level, take his hands and say, we are gentle with our things so they don't break. We treat them nicely. Can you come through the door again and show me how gently you can shut it?
And when he does, praise him for treating the door nicely.
Negative consequences work well when they're natural and don't seem to come as a choice of the parent. If the parent imposes them it is more like a battle and the kid will become defensive and not want the parent to win, so may act out even harder.

I believe in attachment parenting, so I would say he needs more of you, one-on-one.

Thanks @TigerQuoll getting him.to redo the door closing or whatever is a good idea, I agree about the negative consequence being a natural or logical response, that's why the timeout/confiscation etc doesn't sit easily with me.

Anyone else got any good ideas?

@AustinDeVille I agree about making sure spending time one on one, but I do still need to have a solution for when something like the door slamming happens!

He said he was going to slam it. I said no you're not.

He made a prediction to prompt a reaction from you. You made a different prediction in response. It makes perfect sense that he would fulfill his prediction to see what the outcome would be.

I would recognise his power to do something you don't want him to do and interrupt it by asking him questions; why do you want to slam the door or what do you think might happen if you do that?

You can often use these conversations to lead a distraction and a redirection. I'd make sure it also led to a smile, hug, some one to one time if the redirection worked. My logic being that I'd rather he got attention he was feeling he needed from saying he would do something he shouldn't than actally doing it. You can model other ways for him to express his emotions verbally so it becomes a learning process for him.

Some really brilliant suggestions from TigerQuoll and Popinjay. Basically, for you his deliberately defying you comes with a whole host of negative associations and potential fears for the future (what if I can't control him when he's bigger?). For him, he is finding out about his world. Managing this in such a way that he (usually) ends up doing what you want is the best way for him to learn.

Thank you @corythatwas. Yes you're right about it being a bigger worry about whether I am laying the groundwork for my instructions not to matter to him or to need to be followed. And also sometimes timing, eg getting baby to sleep or similar so needing quick compliance from 3 year old! Really helpful suggestions that I have been using, it is definitely a discovering of his autonomy that he's working out so I'm working hard to match it to what I want him to do without undermining it!