My Son the Tyrant

[zebra]

Sometimes feels like I'm hollering at or scolding my nearly 3yo all the time, lately. I hate it. But, OTOH, DS can be such a little cretin. Gets into things, perpetuates violence, absolutely won't cooperate. We have the same tantrum most days, about coming home he hates coming home. He's getting too big to force into a pushchair eek!! I am staying in all day, more and more, just so I don't have to deal with the hassle about heading for home. And that will only get worse if there's no way I can keep DS in a pushchair, I can't be sure about getting him home, so safest not to go out at all.

But at home... we used to restrain him (in pushchair) if he was starting to try to break things or threaten his sister, but now he can Houdini out of the harness, so don't know how we're going to contain any future violence.

Much of the time, DS is lovely. He can play beautifully with his baby sister or help me tidy up with enthusiasm. He's an easy child to take to new places or meet new people. I really didn't want DS to view us as the constantly scolding parents. We do play a lot, too. There are just a lot more bad moments than I had truly expected. What is normal, anyway? Do most nearly 3yo have at least one crying fit/tantrum most days, and some days 3-4 of these angry fits?

Sorry for the ramble. Maybe I'm just looking for some moral support. I almost put this in the 'hate toddlerhood thread' but by now (nearly 3), I thought DS should be getting more docile, not more bolshy. DS is really upsetting me, and it feels like he's a real tyrant in my life, sometimes.

zebra, do you live near me?
Bring him round to my house and we can stick him in a room with my 3 year old son (who sounds exactly like yours) and let them get on with it

zebra, dd1 used to be like this. The bad news is, she was like it until she was 4. The good news is, she grew out of it then, and is soooo much more calm now.
As to how to deal with it, I know it's what everyone always says, but ignoring it always seemed to work best for us. Looking back, my problem was that I just couldn't stop myself getting imbroiled in an argument with her. If I refused to get drawn in, stated my case and left IMMEDIATELY, the tantrum would continue, but for a little less time, and I wouldn't be half as stressed.
Lots of people also told me it was because she was so intelligent, and was frustrated with not being able to "keep up" with herself. Don't know if it's true, but it made me feel a little better to believe it.
Be reassured, it really will pass.

Zebra, my youngest dd was also like this, and it colours your whole life because you're dreading what's coming next. We did the same as Emsiewill, and tried to avoid getting into any arguments, although the temptation is huuuuge! Once she started school she was so much better, thank goodness.

I know you say you didn't think it appropriate in the toddlerdom thread but I suspect treating it as toddler tantrums is your best way forward.The NCT Book of Tantrums is supposed to be useful or maybe you could look in your local library (if you dare go out again!) for other books. Meanwhile, cling on to the thought that you're not alone.

Could my ds and yours have been separated at birth? They are about the same age....

Agree that ignoring the situation is best option when possible. I try a number of things - if ds is being beastly I tell him that I don't want to be friends with him if he is going to be horrible and just walk off. On days that this works he then follows me around the house asking to be picked up and given a cuddle. I tell him only if he's going to be nice and say sorry. He invariably does, we have a big cuddle and move on. But I'd be a big, fat liar if I said this works all the time!!

What I have noticed is that shouting at him is useless. (Although it can make me feel better). He is more likely to snap out of it if I make him laugh - eg: making ridiculous faces, tickling him etc - or simply change the subject and suggest we do something else that I know he will like - jigsaw, drawing etc.

Which makes me sound like a pretty good parent - which is another big fat fib. I am as stubborn as my ds and find my temper working up to boiling point at least half a dozen times a day. Think I am having as much difficulty learning not to blow it as he is! There I am, jaw clenched tightly, silently calling him a little shit (or worse) in my head. Again, best thing to do is remove yourself from the situation. It's worth remembering that this is a crucial developmental stage. Your ds has to win some battles - just not all of them. I am making a real effort to let mine win the ones that aren't important (even if it does mean a bit of mess or him doing something that doesn't quite fit in with what I want to do at the time). I know that I wouldn't like it if the situations were reversed and someone was constantly telling me what I could and couldn't do. Remember also that some kids take longer to come through this stage than others - I know loads of 3 and 4 year olds that still regularly have these sort of battles.

Also, don't let your ds' behaviour stop you getting out. It's vital for them to let of steam each day - is there a park or somewhere you can go to do that. I know that if we're stuck in the house all day my one is invariably harder to live with.

Have to admit that it's easier to remember the last paragraph once little darling is in bed and I have a glass of pinot grigio in my hand.

Hope this rambling reply is helpful. To be honest, just writing it down has helped me to clarify the best way to go about today!!

I think you should definitely try to go out zebra. Could you use bribery to get him home again?

No answers but I am having the same problems with my ds (3y 8m) although his behaviour is almost certainly linked to the fact that my second is due in 4 weeks. I also feel like I am shouting at him all the time and in fact yesterday we ended up taking away all his toys and videos as it was the one thing we were threatening him with all day so we had to go through with it. Felt like Cruella Deville

I take it all back. Have had the day from hell - from the moment I tried to get him to put on his shoes we have been at war. And I only wanted him to put the bloody things on because I was going to take him out to a local activity centre to meet with his friends. (Personally I can take or leave bouncy castles).

Anyway, lost the plot when he refused to get in his car seat (we had stopped so I could get some money - he spotted Smarties and wasn't going to take no for an answer). I tried talking nicely, explaining that I would get him a treat later if he was a good boy now. I tried all the things they tell you to do.

Finally I screamed at him with such fury that he shut up and got in his car seat.

No, it didn't make me feel good but it sure as hell did the trick. Am now contemplating a zero tolerance regime. Anyone tried it??? Aaargh.

Willow2 -

Brings back so many memories!!

Message withdrawn

Willow2

I am going through this stage with my 6 year old twins. My ds started it and then his sister who is usually good has picked up on it and started as well!!!!
We have had to withdraw all treats, stop pocket money etc. It is really hard to deal with constantly I know
Have you tried the sticker system for good behaviour, if you can manage it and it is hard work to keep going, you have to be one step ahead all the time, but I found it turned what could get so negative into positive, and also if you can try to make things fun, ie the everyday tasks like getting ready etc.

I sometimes have trouble getting mine to go to bed, so instead of saying "right its bedtime, go"
I count to 10 and they say chase me mummy and I follow them upstairs like it is some sort of game, it sounds mad, but I find I do whatever I have to or else I can easily get stressed.

I find that what works with our 3 year old is if I stay calm and just sit down in silence and don't move until he has put his shoes on, tidied up his toys or agreed to go home. Although on occassions this has taken over 30 minutes it seemed to do the trick as he now knows that he may as well just do it straight away as he isn't going to get away with it.

Thank you all -- the replies have cheered me up.

Bribery doesn't work. I wanted to make video privileges contingent upon good behaviour coming home, but DH forgets & lets DS watch vids, anyway -- [SIGH, MEN]

We are very consistent about ignoring the tantrums, & I wondered if that made things worse, because then DS feels like he has to go to new heights of violence to get any response.

I sometimes pull the ultimate emotional string & threaten to walk off & leave DS in the park (or wherever we are) if he won't cooperate coming home, which leads to many tears. And as DH observes, DS will probably start calling my bluff, soon. I don't like this tactic, either.

When my daughter really plays up and won't co-operate, I either do Bells thing of just sitting and waiting, it always works and is definitely produces the calmest toddler at the end.

But if we need to leave somewhere and she won't go, I often say 'well, I'm going now, bye' and that works immediately.

Enid, your message brought back memories of me trying to persuade my ds to leave his day nursery. He wasn't going to come with me and I ended up doing as you said, "Bye, I'm off now". You can imagine my face when ds smiling brightly, picked up a toy and said "Bye, see you later!!" - He was 3. Fortunately, things are looking up now - he's 6½ years and most of the time he comes when I call.

I can sympathise with this all too well. Today we've had major tantrums over the top he's wearing (he wanted to change it) and then his shoes. In the end gave in over the shoes as it was only 8.30am and I was already worn out by it all! Also we were late.
I have never shouted at ds really, maybe twice and he's nearly 3, but yesterday I really yelled at him and was shocked at how angry I was and how ineffectual it was to him! In the end, the only way I could get him dressed was to threaten to withdraw 'Brum' which was on yesterday morning! That got me an immediate apology and dressed him in no time!!
Last night dh did the tough line on bedtime, checked he's done all the normal routine stuff (all the engines in their sheds to sleep, soft toys all in his bed etc) then left him to it. I must admit I find it really hard but he was asleep within 10 minutes and if I had given in and gone up like he'd wanted to, then the whole routine would start again with me!
I also ignore tantrums and often tell him I'm off if he's stalling, does work wonders but also feel bad doing it too.
Ho hum, I guess he'll grow out of this right???!!!

I'm now on my second toddler and I feel realy differently about tantrums this way round. Or is it that my two sons are different people? anyway, I really don't get so wound up about tantrums now. I say to myself whatever tricks you try to pull I have seen it all before with your oldest brother.

I second the ignoring and saying 'bye bye I'm going' approaches. Also try some creative lying. 'Toys are round the corner I think' is good for getting hdsto walk a long distance. etc. Or 'the TV is broken' when I decide to unplug it.