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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help! in the middle of a crying baby/sleep routine situation and need someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing!!

39 replies

Niccers · 24/09/2007 22:17

Our 5 month old is not able to go to sleep on her own - have put her down for the first time without falling asleep on my breast and she is letting me know about it!! I'm on the 15th time of going into to reassure her, she is NOT happy and I just need to know people have come out the other side of this...I'm so tempted to just go in and comfort her with the breast which is what I know she wants...she ISN'T hungry, I know that..she won't take a dummy...I know its just a case of getting through this...please tell me I'm doing the right thing!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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chankins · 24/09/2007 22:57

No no you are not terrible mother because you want to go out once in a while! It sounds to me like you really want and need her to go to sleep by herself, and that is totally fine. My dd1 was younger than yours, and I didn't think it was mean or cruel, it just depends what your general strategy for parenting is! Some people admit they are softer, and can't listen to them cry, so prefer to feed them to sleep, or co-sleep or whatever works for them. And that is fine, because it works for them and keeps them and their family happy. But if you are not currently happy with your situation - and I'm guessing you're not or you wouldn't have started the routine - then you are right an following your instincts to change things. There is nothing wrong with that and I don't think she'll be emotionally damaged because of it ! You can still bf for as long as you like, cuddle her all day, love her as much as ever! I personally like my kids to settle themselves and this works for us. Everyone is of course different.

juliewoolie · 24/09/2007 22:59

I too sympathise but I believe you are doing the right thing - stick with it.

My Lo 16wks has also totally changed his sleeping routine and we are doing a little bit of sleep training ourselves. You are doing a great job!

lornaloo · 24/09/2007 23:01

Niccers your not a terrible mum. I can sympatise with you and your dh. Must be awful for him not being able to settle her. Visit the baby whisperer website read up on the best thing to do for her age, I think its picking her up gently patting her back then placing her back in the cot when shes stopped crying. Decide exactly what your going to do and stick to it. It will be hard at first but stay strong and make sure you have dh support. Good luck.

lornaloo · 24/09/2007 23:02

Think your dd may be having a growth spurt might be the cause of extra night wakings.

haychee · 24/09/2007 23:07

Good god, you have not damaged your baby or are you a bad mother! I did this with my two from birth! Shes just gotton used to falling asleep with you and cant handle it any other way because thats all she knows. In my experience, the sooner new things are introduced the better. They become so attached to certain ways and things its incredible and they do not like change! I think your doing the right thing and if you want it to work then stick at it, slowly but surley she will get used to it.
My two both sleep well, and did so from 6weeks(dd1) and 13weeks(dd2). An older female relative said to me when dd1 was born, "the best thing you can do for her, is to get her used to going to sleep by herself" and i did and i reapt the reward. Friends of mine have spent god only knows how many hours rocking their babies to sleep. This is all very well when they are tiny and cuddly but when they are a toddler and your expecting your second it wont be so cute.
Of course, im not the authority on this or how you choose to manage it yourself but i have done this and it worked well although i did do it from birth so they kinda have always known that thats the way it is.

dd1 is 7 and dd2 is 4 now, our relationship is not damaged or in any way affected by this perhaps, lack of bonding. I cuddle them to death all day long, they know i love em regardless.

Niecie · 24/09/2007 23:10

I must admit we were advised not to leave the baby to cry before 6 months as they are too small so I would go and pick her up and feed her. We did CC with my DS1 but I refused to do it for DS2 and he didn't sleep any worse than DS1 and possibly even better as he started to sleep through the night a couple of months earlier.

That said, if you have to do it for your own sanity and because you need to rather than because you think you should, then grit your teeth and hope she falls asleep soon, knowing that it will be easier tomorrow. The first night is always the worse.

Good luck.

seeker · 24/09/2007 23:23

Of course you haven't damaged her - she's fine. BUT the fact that your posting this thread at all means that you aren't happy with how things are going - the only person likely to suffer any emotional damage is you!

ILovePudding · 25/09/2007 05:09

I bf dd to sleep until about 10mo, by which time I'd had enough of getting up every two hours through the night !

We didn't go straight from bf to leaving her in cot awake. First we started to rock her to sleep. Then we patted her to sleep in cot. After that we'd just sit by the cot, patting her intermitantly so she was calm, saying repetitive things like 'time to sleep, lay down now' (by this age she could stand in cot just to make things more complicated). Gradually moved away from cot over period of a couple of weeks until we were able to leave room with her awake without freaking out.

DP had to be the one to settle her for the first few days until she got used to not having a bf.

At bedtime I used to feed her to sleep in her room then put her down. We changed that to final bf in living room after her bath, then dp take her to bed still awake.

I think taking it slowly meant that DD didn't get as distressed, and it wasn't as stressful for us either.

Hope you're getting some sleep soon whatever you decide to do!

BroccoliSpears · 25/09/2007 08:53

UrbanDryad - yes, she started biting a bit as she got older. I took it as a signal that she was a bit bored / restless with the feed. It was the biting that started the gradual switch from putting her down milk-drunk and fast asleep to putting her down full of milk but still awake and she'd drop off on her own. I think I was quite lucky though as I know dd's biting was not as bad as some of my friends babies - more of a nip than a chomp.

They do say that you should pull them towards you when they bite - smother them with the boob so they (a) let go, and (b)learn that it doesn't get a fun reaction.

Original poster

Niccers · 25/09/2007 09:53

Hi - thanks to you all for the words of advice and encouragment...baby went to sleep twice, the second time until 6.30 this morning (from 10.30pm), which isn't entirely unusual for her but we'll see what happens tonight...I am kind of following baby whispering technique of picking her up, patting her on the back and calming her down then putting her down each time..not sure whether to stay in the room so she can see me as I'm convinced this makes her worse?
I just wanted to make it clear I'm not withholding food from her, she uses me as a dummy (although will not have a dummy which is typically odd for her..) and although I do love breastfeeding, I think it will be healthier in the long run for her if she can go to sleep on her own - she is getting double hugs today to compensate by the way...be prepared for more posts tonight when we try again...

OP posts:

theUrbanDryad · 25/09/2007 10:34

Niccers - if you think about it from the other end, she isn't using you as a dummy. babies whp use dummies are using them as a breast substitute. there's a reason they're shaped as they are. she's only 5mo, and if my ds had slept from 10:30-6:30 at 5mo i would've been ecstatic! she sounds totally normal. even if she is using the breast as "just" comfort, what's wrong with that? what a credit it is to you that your dd turns to you for comfort and that you can give it, with no fuss??!

if you want your dh to be more involved, maybe he could do the night wakings, see if he can settle her without milk, but if she won't settle for him, get him to pass her to you for milk. that way, when you go out, she'll be more used to seeing him when she wakes!

good luck!

juliewoolie · 25/09/2007 13:49

great idea getting DH involved my DP went in last night and settled my LO in 10 mins where as I knew if I had gone in he would have been rooting for a little suck

uberalice · 25/09/2007 14:02

There's some really good strategies for breaking the feeding to sleep habit in a book called the No Cry Sleep Solution. It's not a quick fix, but it is working for us.

jellybelly25 · 25/09/2007 15:27

Niccers

I think you might be trying to run before you can walk, IYSWIM. It is possible to do this without leaving to cry uf you are feeling awful about it. I also KNEW dd2 was not hungry but had to feed to sleep, soemtimes literally just a two second suck would send her back off when she woke up!

FWIW I tried these things with dd2 and they did work after a few days, but it took a bit of time, and in steps, i.e. now at 5mo she can fall asleep on her own in the cot sometimes with dummy usually without, but that didn't happen straight away. First I did pick up and put down so she got used to falling asleep in my arms but NOT feeding, i.e. rocking instead (I had a rocking chair in the room which was good), and being put down asleep (about a week, and it really did improve after a couple of days, I was v surprised).

Then she got used to the same thing with dp, then we tried putting her down still half awake but still with a heavy hand or stroking/patting her whilst in the cot until she fell asleep (about another week of this) then eventually we were able to put her down in whatever state of sleep/wakefulness and usually that was it from about 9pm until morning. THen after that she naturally shifted her bedtime earlier.

And there was no 'leaving her to cry' for ages. I think this is nmostly stuff in that No Cry Sleep Solution book but I never bought thebook just got the general gist from stuff I read online.

Good luck!

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