How can I make sure my kids aren't stupid like me?

[Elmo311]

Hi everyone,

I've got two children under 3yrs old.
I am not very intelligent at all, and I struggled so much in school and did very poorly in exams, which affects my life so much as an adult.

I am a SAHM and I really want to make sure my kids aren't stupid like me...how can I help them?

Their father did not do well in school but he managed to get into University (just!) and now has a very good job and he is doing well, so he is definitely brighter than I am.

We play with toys, I show them things when we are out etc but I mean more academically.

Please help! I struggle terribly with low self esteem and I often feel like I have nothing to offer and I don't want my kids to be like me!

First I am absolutely sure that you offer them tons as a mum, and your post makes it clear that you are a loving and supportive parent who wants the very best for them.

I am no expert but I think one of the most important things you can do with young children is read to them. That's how they learn language and important pre-reading skills like knowing which way text goes, starting to recognise some letters, etc. You can point out letters and sound out some simple words - they won't suddenly be able to read but over time the idea that you put letters together to make words might start to sink in. Even babies love listening to books so it's never too young to start.

Also, with your toddler, when you read the stories you can also chat to them about why the people in the story behave as they do, why particular things happen, etc. E.g. 'Meg needs to make a spell to make it rain to make the plants grow. Plants have roots in the soil which suck up the water like a straw. And their leaves turn sunlight and water into food for the plant. How clever is that!'. Kids really seem to love that stuff, my daughter is always repeating random things like that that I've said to her, so it does go in.

With your toddler, introducing basic concepts like counting when you're playing is helpful - e.g. Wow your lego tower is so tall! Let's count how many bricks high it is. 9! Can we add another brick to make it 10! etc.

Kids are like little sponges, they are designed to learn through play. I am sure you are doing a great job so please don't be so hard on yourself.

@irecitethegruffaloinmydreams Thank you so much for replying to me.
It really means a lot and I had tears in my eyes whilst reading your comment.

I do read to them a lot, but the eldest seems to get bored and walk off a lot of the time! Of course I'll keep trying! I'll do anything to make sure they're not like me x

I agree with the previous poster and they had excellent suggestions. The idea is to teach them without them even realising that they are being taught. For example, if teaching them colours then introduce colours in everything you say, instead of saying "shall we play with the bus?" you would say "shall we play with the red bus?" you can even use "the big red bus" to introduce the concept of big/small. At this age, talking/reading to them is by.far the best way.to teach them. And try not to be so harsh on yourself, you sound really caring and patient, some of the many positive qualities that they learn from you which will serve them well in later life.

Everyone is a genius.

But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Not my quote but trust me, you're not stupid.

Just keep reading, chatting and singing to them and they'll be fine 🙂

@poisson428 You're a kind person aren't you?

Thanks to the helpful and kind comments made by others on this thread. I will continue to sing and teach as best I can and get them a tutor jf it is all going wrong!

I have similar concerns about my own child. I'm quite academic but she's adopted and both her BPs have a degree of learning difficulties. I honestly don't know whether anything I'm doing is helping or even whether there's anything to really be worrying about but she's so far at age 2 coming across as really quite bright tbh. The things I have been doing are talking and singing relentlessly. I mean commenting on literally everything to a point I'm driving myself mad. We read a lot of books too. This is hard when they're really active but it's just about picking the right times. We have at least 2 stories just before bed, usually quite a few more and then some just before nap time. Having the books easily visible too and maybe even a couple laid on the floor in her usual playroom is a good way to spark interest. It's about instilling a love for books as much as actually learning anything from them at this age. We also always had lots of open ended toys to try and encourage creativity and thinking skills eg stacking cups and other stacking toys, puzzles and shape sorters etc. A few simple toys like this and dolls are really all they need and too many toys in a cluttered room will likely just mean they're more likely to be overwhelmed by the mess and infinite number of toys than actually playing with them in a meaningful way. I also count lots with her and have started teaching her letters for just a few minutes a day and she recognises most of these now and can sound out quite a few. I'm planning on starting to teach her phonics in a few months too (again just for a few minutes a day) as one of the single largest predictors of a child's academic success is reading ability. It's important to remember though that although academic success undoubtedly opens doors it's not the only thing that will allow them to live a happy and successful life. Emotional stability and good life skills will take your child much further and they will learn this simply by being raised in a loving and stable environment. If you give them a loving and happy childhood then there's every chance that the rest will fall into place. It sounds like you're more than capable of offering them this so just enjoy them and stop putting yourself down. They will be what they will be and you'll love them no matter what and their childhood is already too short so try not to stress and just be the amazing mummy it sounds like you are x

PS you're really not stupid!!! If you were you wouldn't be here so eloquently asking for advice and having such in depth insight into your child's needs ... I think I you're all gonna be fine x

Play, talk, read. Show them things, ask questions, let them ask questions.
Make sure your children are supported and try to be more positive about yourself (PS that's a do as I say not as I do thing)

Hi. My children are brighter than me. I read to them literally from the day the were born and they always had 3 stories at night time until around 8/9. We still read to them now when they want us to -Lord of the rings to the 11 year old and older sci fi to the 13 year old. They are both obsessed with books and read constantly.I honestly think books are the best thing you can do for them.
They are on screens a lot now but up until around 10 neither really used screens. They had audible at bedtime on an ipad but never played computer games. They watch TV but not unlimited and we had them watching David Attenborough, Deadly 60 , sSringwatch etc when really little and now they are really into nature and wildlife,
Don't get me wrong - they are Minecraft obsessives now! But both are smart and intelligent. I also think doing a hobby they love helps with confidence which in turns means they will ask for help in class if they need it and means they don't worry about making mistakes.
Playing lots of roleplay when they are tiny is great too -shops, cafes, writing menus, playing schools etc.

You sound like a very loving caring, mum. The best thing you can do with your children is play with them and spend time with them, talk to them constantly while you play explain things, ask them questions and encourage their imaginations. Read to them, so much learning is done through play, I work in a school and you can tell who's parents have invested time and effort into them.

The best thing you can do is help them develop a growth mindset so they don't give up at setbacks and keep persevering. Give them the confidence to keep trying, let them know it's Ok to make mistakes as that is part of the learning process. Praise their successes, however small. Focus on the little accomplishments rather than the big picture because the little things quickly add up.

Part of all of that is not using words like 'stupid' to describe yourself, OP. That sends a bad message to your kids.

I’m sure you have plenty to offer as a mum! But if you’re concerned particularly about academic skills (which are not the only skills!):

Read. Read. Read some more. Talk to them about what they are seeing and hearing. Later on you can point out sounds in words and link them to particular letters, but that’s much less important than story comprehension. Ask them questions BEFORE you read a page “what do you think is happening here? What do you think is on the bowl? How is the little boy feeling?”. When you’ve finished a story, ask them to tell you what happened or what they think might happen next (these questions are REALLY hard for under 5s, so don’t expect sensible answers!)

Act out familiar stories with their toys to teach the concept of representation “one day, Goldilocks (a barbie or something) was walking through the woods, and she saw a house (cereal box). Out of the house came daddy bear (teddy), mummy bear (paw patrol character, doesn’t matter!)”......

Sing. Pick songs with actions and encourage your kids to do them with you. I actually tended to use Makaton signs for songs, but honestly it doesn’t matter at all what you use as long as you are consistent each time you sing the song!

“Small world play” - any role play. As much as you can bear to do without wanting to slit your wrists (if you’re anything like me!)

Honestly though, the best thing you can do to help your children be successful is to notice what they are interested in and praise effort rather than achievement. This is particularly important with siblings around!