Very sensitive toddler

[Ghosty]

I am a little bit worried about my ds (3 in November) and wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom for me.

The thing is that he is very sensitive and fearful about a lot of things. For example, he hates any loud noises: motorbikes, big lorries, lawnmowers etc. He cries like his heart is breaking if he hears any classical music. The same happens when he hears any kind of sad sounding song - he weeps when he hears 'Dance to your Daddy' on his nursery rhymes tape. There is a scene in our Teletubbies video where there are some baby swans and from a young age (12 months) he used to get really sad and cry when one of the baby swans goes to sleep. He is terrified of animals (cats and dogs mainly) - likes to look at them but if one comes near him he loses the plot. He used to like slides but for some reason now will not go near them. Last week I took him to a lego exhibition but he was terrified of all of the models and wouldn't go in. He hates churches and church music and won't go into church with me (I find that creepy!). He is terrified of those cars in shopping centres that you put money in (I thought kids loved them). He is terrified of strangers (not a bad thing really but can be difficult when we have visitors round). Our house makes a lot of creaks at night and if he is vaguely awake he will scream in terror. He has nightmares (the other night he thought there was a Dragon in his room - he watched a Bob the Builder that had a dragon in it so that particular video has had to be shelved.) The latest thing is that he refuses to have a bath - he used to love having a bath but the last 4 nights he has screamed in terror at the mere mention of bathtime. I could go on and on!
He seems so hypersensitive about so many things and I just don't know what to do about it. The reason I am concerned is that every other toddler I know his age seems to have no fear at all and I just don't know where he has got these insecurities from. I wouldn't mind if it was just a couple of things but it seems to be everything. He is also a big bruiser so everyone we know laughs at how sensitive he is.

Is this normal? If any one has any ideas on why he is like this and what we can do about it I would be so grateful!

My ds is 15 months and also has lots of fears - I'm not too worried at this stage - he is generally quite happy-go-lucky, but he is very afraid if a cat or dog comes up to him, and clings on to me whilst screaming at the dog. He is afraid too of the ride-on machines - ok as long as you don't put any money in but if it starts moving he screams in terror. He gets very upset at me leaving him, and is afraid in a situation where there are a lot of other children. He doesn't like the lawnmower or electric drills etc.

I'm trying to get him over these fears, by showing him animals etc. and just holding him very tightly to look at the animal, but so he knows I'm still there. DH was very sensitive as a child, so I think it is genetic!

So I guess my advice is to introduce him to his fears but make sure he knows mum is still there. HTH

Hi Ghosty

When I read your post it bought back a flood of memories. My ds was exactly the same at your ds's age. He was terrified of loud noises, even someone mowing their lawn with an electric lawn mower would send him hysterical. He hated those coin-operated rides and fairground rides(he was fine just watching them but if you tried to put him on one he went bananas. He used to cry at certain songs on his nursery rhyme tape. The list goes on. My dh used to say we should take him to a child physichiatrist as he thought it just wasn't normal .

Anyway all I can tell you is this. Sit tight and he will grow out of it. My ds now loves all rides(which is a pain cos it costs me a fortune),loves going to the cinema (which is really noisy!!) and is completely relaxed . I have to say things did improve when his sister came along and he saw her going on things that he previously wouldn't and decided to join in. So perhaps if your ds knows any other little boys around his age you could do things together and let him see how much fun they are having.

Your little one sounds gorgeous. He also sounds very much like my cousin's son. He was sooooo sensitive as a toddler, but he grew out of it of his own accord. By the time he was a teenager he played rugby and rollerhockey, and now he's 17 he's got his glider pilot's license and wants to join the RAF! (But he still cried his eyes out when his cat died!) I'm sure that your little lad will be fine, just give him time!

I agree that he sounds lovely.

Cherish these times and remember back when he is a big, bad (in the nicest possible way) teenager. I think it's lovely for boys to be sensitive.

More constructively, we have had these fears too but in phases. Off rides, on slides, off sounds on climbs etc. Don't worry, men usually don't like their sons too wussy, but I think it's lovely.

Musica, Lynne33, Ionesmum and Clucks

Aw gee thanks! (blush, blush) You're right, he is gorgeous and sweet and what you have all said has made me feel a lot better. I have been over reacting maybe (and there I was saying I didn't know where he got it from!). I just needed someone to say that their ds had been the same as all the others we know seem to be so confident.

We discovered to today what the problem is about the bath - he thinks that he and his bath toys are going to be sucked down the plughole! How funny is that?

Thanks for being so nice, Mumsnetters! was - am now - !

Ghosty I posted something similar about my ds about six months ago. I too was very concerned about his fears and couldn't believe he was scared of those coin operated rides in shopping centres, just like your ds! He was also frightened of certain noises and terrified of insects or anything that crawled. I was sitting on the floor with him one night and I noticed a spider a few feet away. I said to ds "Look, a spider!" Just as I said that, the spider ran towards him and he couldn't move quickly enough to get away from it, so it ran right underneath him. He screamed so hysterically that you would think he was being murdered, and it took me ages to calm him down. Anyway he's 26 months old now and is better than he used to be, so I'm sure it's just a stage that passes. Your ds does sound sensitive, but I don't think there's anything to be too worried about.

It was very funny when you said about being sucked down the plughole. I am now a confident mature 36 yr old (!) but I remember being 4 or 5 and scared of sitting at the plug end of the bath in case I got sucked down. I made my brother sit there and protect me ! My most recent endeavours have included abseiling and white-water rafting !

I really enjoyed reading all these messages. I posted a message on Mumsnet last year, just when my (now) 19 month old was at the peak of hating hoovers, other children screaming and general loud noise. Although not entirely convinced about our very loud Hurricane Hoover (well, why do they make all that noise!?), he is now much better and is the loudest, most mischievous boy in his class at nursery. All these things are phases, but are so difficult to handle when you are in the midst of them. If only we had a crystal ball each, then we'd be able to see into the future and would KNOW that everything is going to be fine!!

Hi ... I am resurrecting this thread as things have got worse and it is beginning to affect much of what we do...

We recently stayed at a friend's house at xmas in the UK... she has a puppy and a cat. The poor dog had to spend the whole two days in his cage as DS lost the plot and screamed like his throat was being cut whenever the dog came near him and ditto with the cat who ended up having to spend his whole time out in the cold ... it was really difficult - my friend was understanding but it got to the point that DS just wouldn't go and play because he was worried that the cat would be there.
I have another friend who has a cat and the other day when we went there DS spent the whole morning sitting on my knee because he was scared of the cat ... even though we showed him that the cat was outside.
We live near the sea and we can't go to the local swings now because of the seagulls ... and we have to have all the doors and windows shut, despite the fact that it is mid summer here at the moment (and it is baking hot), because he is frightened that a bird is going to come in!

He is even scared of flies ... which is a problem in the summer here as there are loads!

What can I do to boost his confidence? Do I need to get a pet (not a problem ... would personally love a kitten) or will that backfire? We can't even go to the zoo because he is terrified of EVERYTHING!!!!

I am trying really hard not to tell him that he is being silly because I know that that does not help but it isn't easy to not be irritated!

Maybe getting a kitten would help him as he would see how little and harmless it is. He'll see it growing up and so will get to know the cat properly. Does anyone you know have a kitten to see if he's still scared if them.
Could your DH hold him when he's scared while you stroke the cat/dog and maybe he'll start to see that if it's okay for you to stroke the animal then it's okay for him too.
Good Luck

Is a kitten a good idea (scratching, biting etc) would you perhaps be able to get an older cat from the local pound or RSPCA? I'm just thinking that an older cat would be more inclined to just sit on your lap and be petted rather than running around and trying to play with ds especially if he's very nervous?

My dd is now 5 but at 2 1/2 she was frightened by our previous dog. When we got a new one we had all sorts of dramas at the puppy stage. She wouldn't go near him and would become quite hysterical.

I waited mostly until puppy was asleep (which was lots at 7 weeks old) and got her to sit beside me on the lounge and stroke him while he was asleep. This progressed to him sleeping on her lap, now he is a big boof head labrador and they are best mates and she tries to sit on him and he looks at her with adoring eyes!!!! (quite sickening really).

We had older rescue cats before children and they were terrified of the boys when we had children. If you went for an older cat you'd need to make sure it was comfortable with children. Would a kitten get used to growing up with children around?

Our 2 cats certainly weren't prepared to sit on laps and be petted when the children were born - all DS1 saw of them was their tails disappearing out of the cat flap. It got so bad they moved in with a neighbour and we left them there when we moved

You need to choose your cat carefully if you decide to get one

You say you can't take DS to a zoo but how about a pet shop where the (much smaller) animals are caged? Try a few times, gently getting him used to the animals, reassuring him that they can't get out etc. You may be able to build him up to stroking something in the future. Maybe talk to him about the animals, look at pictures in a book and then go and look at the real thing?

I bet he'll grow out of it and this will be something to remind him of when he's a strapping 6' rugby playing teenager

Oh Ghosty, what a nightmare. Have you spoken to your doctor? This is affecting your lives in a big way - as you say it is restricting going out and even staying in.

Good luck in finding a solution

ghosty, i agee with not getting a kitten if your son is frightened, I went round my friends last month and they had a new kitten, we stayed for dinner and by the time we left dh and i were both covered in scratches, luckily ds didn't come with us.

Hi,
I aggree that getting a pet would be a bad idea. He will probably wonder why mum is doing that to him and might become more insecure.
My son who is now 7 was quite similar. He wasn't frightened of as many things but we were always treading on eggshells with him. Someone would say the wrong thing and the screaming would start. " I am upset me now " was the most common sentence he uttered! He is much better these days although still sensitive to certain things and very old headed. Still doesn't like heights or rides much.
It may just be his nature and in time the intensity of it all might lessen but i really would recommend speaking to your health visitor or doctor. You need some support. Having kids is hard enough without all that aswell.
Take care, hope things improve soon.

Hi Ghosty.
This does sound very hard and I really sympathise, as I myself have a 3 yr old son who is sometimes scared of the oddest things- a particular Fireman Sam book comes to mind- and also can be very "particular" about how he likes things to be and tries to insist that those around him comply, though thankfully this has eased somewhat lately.
I think my advice may come across as a bit mean or tough but for what it's worth I would try dealing with this by refusing to go along with unreasonable requests, whilst acknowledging and sympathising with the fears behind them. For example, if your son wanted the window closed, I would say something like: "I know you're scared of a bird coming through the window. That's very unlikely to happen. I'm really sorry that you are scared but it is too hot to close the window." I would try very hard not to be so affected by his fear that I closed the window but would offer lots of support in the form of cuddles and reassurance. This sort of approach works over time with my son, I hope because I am giving the message that:

1. I understand he is scared and upset and that is ok
2. I don't share this fright and believe he will be fine if he sees the Fireman Sam book/doesn't have the green cup/spots a shadow on the wall/goes near someone with a broken arm or leg/whatever is the issue sending him batty at the time!

I think that it's so hard for us to see our kids really inconsolable with fear that it's easy to fall into the trap of validating and reinforcing that fear by doing what they want. I was so upset by my son's fears sometimes that it just didn't occur to me to say "No!" to his demands. By putting the Fireman Sam book away, which was what I did when this type of problem first arose, I was telling him "Yes, XXX, you're right. This is too scary for you. You can't deal with it." And that just reinforced his fears, IMO... I wonder if something similar could be happening with your son? You've always struck me as a v nice person like me so it's possible that we are both prone to being too nice to our bubbas when it's sometimes necessary to ride out the tears and upset for the greater good! I do agree with the others that a visit to the GP might be a good idea if this seems to persist strongly over time but also think that getting a bit tougher- while always remaining sympathetic and open to hearing about his fears- is worth a try and might help. Do HTH and best of luck, Ghosty.

Hi Ghosty
This does sound hard for you, but everyone seems to have good advice. Was just thinking about the kitten idea as we have just got one. My ds2 is 3 and not at all frightnened of cats, so has been fine, but his 2 friends are very scared of them, and screamed when she first ran out of the kitchen and down the hall where they were standing. However, when I was holding her firmly, one of the girls did come over and stroke her, the other managed a quck pat from the safety of her Mum's knee. Am just writing all this I suppose beacuse its so hard to know how yr ds might react, but I tend to agree that actually getting a cat at this point might be risky. The ideal might be to try and find people with kittens (and children if possible) so that you can visit while the kittens are tiny and see how it goes. Easier said than done I realise. The petshop idea was a good one, and I really liked what Scummymumy wrote, that madea lot of sense to me. If you are in a hot place, it surely is essntial to have the windows open and in the long run better for your ds to learn to cope with that.Sorry, I'm just rambling really, but hope that things get better for you soon

Thank you soooooo much for all your lovely advice! I did think that actually getting a pet would at this stage would probably be a bad idea although I am keen to get a cat eventually ... a good home needs a pet IMO!!!

Thankyou for your lovely post Scummy and you are right ... I am a nice person ... No, seriously, I was getting to a point before xmas where I was pandering to him but since we got back (a week ago) I have been much tougher and have not let him work his little will on me to that extent. There is this great parenting book here (everyone I know has a copy) by an NZ writer called Diane Levy which is called 'Of course I love you ... now go to your room'. (Might start a thread on it somewhere as it should be published in the UK ... it is fantastic!) Although it doesn't focus on our particular problem I have seen the sense in not belittling my DS' fears. I have had to work hard on DH to stop him saying crossly ...'Oh for goodness sake, you are being silly, it is only a blooming cat' etc as Diane Levy's theory is to try hard to tell him that we know he is scared and that is ok, we understand but 'Mummy is here and so nothing will happen' etc etc. It does seem to work at the time but each new place we go to we have to start again and I am beginning to recognise the blood curdling scream that comes to me when I am settling down for a good old natter with a mate that tells me that some animal (probably an ant) has dared to crawl into my son's range of vision!

Anyway ... I will work on what you say Scummy (are you Diane Levy by any chance?) and will hold the rush to the pet shop to buy a cat!

Thanks again for the advice ... glad my DS isn't the pet lamb around!

Interesting this pet issue as I have always been scared of dogs (still am) and so my mother got a puppy to "help me". In fact, I adored the puppy and later, the 2 following dogs we had. However, and this is the bit that doesn't make sense to me, I was still the same scared of other dogs (and still am).

Our dd was the same with rides, until last summe when she was almost 4, she just sat on a ride and unbeknown to her we out some money in and off it went - well 3 seconds of screams that would make your blood curdle followed by 'this is great can I have another go?'

Sometimes worth forcing the issue I think, but only with things that are not life changing, hence agree not get a cat at this point just in case this doesn't work!

My 3 year old is very "wussy" about lots of the same things as your ds! I find it a bit irritating but everyone else says "aaah, she's only three".
I think its very reasonable to have fears at that age, and they probably develop alongside the rest of the child's growing awareness and understanding of the world. I am trying to be less dismissive!
Scummy's advice sounded really good. I also try to explain the difference between "real" and "pretend", and explain why various things couldn't really happen, eg the monsters can't get you because they are not real, they are pretend, only in stories and on TV. DD chants this real/pretend distinction back and seems to find it reassuring (not sure if she has totally grasped it or not though).

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It occured to me (as with a lot of thigs about people) that if you strip us down to our animal instincts (very Desmond Morris) past the "human" bit, being afraid of things is very primal, and very life saving (esp. if you consider we once live outside with nature more than we do now - best to stay away from crawling, biting things). I think these fears stem from deep down in our brains, and as with most things about children, they do in time learn to merge these things into their lives.

Have you tried taking him to a petting zoo? Perhaps feeding a sweet baby lamb or seeing little chicks (thinking warm, fluffy and non threatening here) might help to alleviate fears? Never, of course, forcing him to go near something he is scared of, in case you re-enforce the fear. Otherwise, I agree with what most people are saying - chances are he will grow out of his fears, and one day you will think fondly of his sensitive times when he was afraid of the plughole! I used to think I would fall down the toilet, and used to get my mum to hold onto me tightly for a while until I got over it!