I can't go through this again....tics

[Somuchstressing]

My DS had 1 (possibly 2 looking back) but one main tic from the ages of just before 2 and 7. He is 14 now and hasn't displayed tics since.
My world crumbled when it first started, I coped by alienating myself and my son when his tics were bad, they were very on/off so for months he would have none and then for weeks it would be bad so other than school we just wouldn't go out. I'm pretty sure I was suffering from depression at the time. His dad wasnt around and only my family were really aware of the tics, he doesnt even remember he had it.
I decided not to have anymore children but fell pregnant while on the pill with my now 1yr DD. She started showing symptoms of a tic at 7 months which trailed off and has now come back much worse in the last few days.
I just don't know what to do, I spent my sons whole childhood worried and stressed, I didn't enjoy it at all.
I know it's not all about me and the fact that its hereditary and it's my fault is killing me.
My partner doesnt know anything about tics and he has a huge family that are a big part of DD's life. I cringe when I think of how they are going to react when they find out. I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this all again, it nearly broke me the first time around.

Can anybody relate? 😥

It's totally not your fault. My ds has tics and no one else in the family does. He does have asd though and am sure my DH does, but he has no tics.
It's nothing for you to be ashamed of. If people react badly surely that is a sign of their ignorance?
I feel the same as you to an extent, worried about my dc childhood, and get the dread and feeling of doom in my tummy each time a new tic arrives, and self blame with it, but can I ask if you could possibly be a bit depressed? Please don't be offended, I'm only asking because although I totally get the feeling helpless etc about it, I feel concerned that you want to die?
Your little dd is not the sum of her tic, I bet she is lovely and has so many interesting aspects to her as she grows?
I'm not wording this right, but my ds has both asd and tics but he also loves animals, and is very funny. This helps me through the tough aspects.
Hand hold for you anyway, it is a difficult time x

Thank you so much for replying! I'm sure I'm overthinking it way too much and people wont react in the way I am thinking but it's just filling me with so much anxiety. I am sure that I probably do suffer depression on/off but never diagnosed.
She is a complete character and much more than the tic but it's so hard to focus on that at the moment. She is so young aswell that I'm angry I didn't get to enjoy more of her childhood before this developed.
I'm just struggling to tell anyone in RL at the moment, my partner works late and literally has been getting home at bath time so he sees her for 30 mins or so and hasn't noticed. With lockdown I haven't been seeing my family much so have made excuses if they've wanted to see me this week. I cant bring myself to tell them as it just makes it more real.
Thank you for the hand hold, sounds like your DS has a lovely supportive mum 🙂

It's hard isn't it. I completely get you about wanting them to have a chance at a 'normal' childhood. It feels like it has been whipped away before you even get to know them properly, especially as your dd is so young still, and that they are now defined by tics.
It must be like you are back in the world of having to try and smooth the way for your dd, and worrying ahead already, like you had to do for your older dc? But you know, they may not have the same path.

I hope you can find a way forward with this, maybe a start could be looking after yourself and seeing a GP about your depression? If you can get that treated it might help take the edge off things a bit, help you see things more clearly etc and that might help you cope?
I have found that helps me a little, and reduces my anxiety; and also trying not to think too far ahead- I end up almost writing my ds off if I do that, if that makes sense, when rationally I don't know what his future holds, he will probably do better than I think.
At the same time you are now forearmed with knowledge, and you can perhaps push for and get support in your dd early years and nursery, in a way that you hopefully won't let yourself be fobbed off the way I was!

I know it should be the opposite really, I mean I've been through it before so it should be easier this time around. I just thought that part of my life was over and its hit me like a tonne of bricks. With my DS I read about ignoring it and convinced myself that if it was completely ignored and never spoke about it would go away so I refused to discuss it beyond the basic yes I've noticed it with family etc. But I think that approach made it all fall to my responsibility and it meant I had nobody to discuss my worries with and to reassure me that things would be ok when I needed it.
Yes i think you might be right, when things go back to normal I will go to the gp about my own mental health and that may help me see things more clearly.
I'm sure in 10 years time we'll look back and things won't seem as big of a deal as they do now just wish I had a crystal ball to see how things pan out!